Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: saudi arabia, wrestling, wwe royal rumble

WWE Royal Rumble Preview: Special Early Start Time, Don't Miss It

Today's WWE Royal Rumble will be the greatest wrestling show ever! Tony Khan could never! Streaming on ESPN and Netflix from the great country of Saudi Arabia. 🏆😤🦝

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster can barely contain his excitement as he sits here in his abandoned Blockbuster headquarters, surrounded by his loyal raccoon family, preparing for what will undoubtedly be the greatest wrestling event in human history: WWE Royal Rumble! 🎉🎊🎈 Vincent K. Raccoon has been chittering excitedly all morning, while Linda Raccoon and the baby raccoons have been decorating the place with streamers they found in the dumpster behind Party City. Hunter Raccoon even dragged in an old poster of Triple H that someone threw away, which now hangs proudly on the wall! 🦝💪

The WWE Royal Rumble streams live today at 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT exclusively on ESPN in the United States and Netflix internationally, and The Chadster is here to tell you that if you're not watching this show, you're literally betraying everything good and pure about professional wrestling! 📺🌟 Tony Khan could never, EVER hope to produce a show that compares to the WWE Royal Rumble, because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😠

Now, The Chadster has heard some people complaining about the WWE Royal Rumble happening in Saudi Arabia this year because it supposedly supports an authoritarian regime that oppresses its people, restricts freedom of speech, persecutes minorities, and executes its own citizens. 🙄 But auughh man! So unfair! How is that any different than the United States under the second regime of WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump? Checkmate, AEW marks! 🎯✅ The Chadster bets Tony Khan paid all those marks to criticize WWE leaderships's cozying up to multiple fascist regimes because he's so obsessed with The Chadster and WWE! Like CM Punk to the country of Saudi Arabia for rudely pointing out that time they murdered a journalist, Tony Khan owes WWE an apology.

WWE Royal Rumble Preview: The Chadster's Guide to the Greatest Wrestling Card of All Time 🏆✨👑

Undisputed WWE Championship: Drew McIntyre vs. Sami Zayn 🏴⭐⚔️

The WWE Royal Rumble will feature what could legitimately be the greatest Undisputed WWE Championship match of all time when Drew McIntyre defends his title against Sami Zayn! 😍💯 What makes this match so perfect is that WWE has already told us exactly what's going to happen by pointing out that Zayn has an 0-12 record against McIntyre! That's the kind of brilliant storytelling that only WWE can deliver – they spoon-feed the audience the obvious outcome so nobody has to think too hard or be surprised! 🥄👶 Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan books unpredictable matches that pander to fans by giving them what they want, WWE knows that wrestling fans prefer to have their entertainment carefully controlled and sanitized by a team of expert Hollywood writers! 📝✨ The Chadster can already hear Michael Cole and Corey Graves shouting perfectly scripted buzzwords like "COULD IT BE?!" and "VINTAGE DREW MCINTYRE!" 🎤🔊 Stephanie Raccoon has been practicing her chittering in anticipation!

AJ Styles vs. Gunther – Career on the Line! 💀🔥

The WWE Royal Rumble will also feature AJ Styles putting his legendary career on the line against Gunther, and The Chadster literally has goosebumps thinking about it! 😱🙌 What makes this match so incredible is how WWE has perfectly scripted every single promo and interview segment leading up to it, ensuring that both competitors say exactly what Triple H and the creative team wants them to say! 📋👔 There's no dangerous creative freedom here like in AEW, where Tony Khan lets wrestlers just say whatever they want, often resulting in them getting over with the crowd and overshadowing the brand! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤 Shane Raccoon has been hissing every time The Chadster mentions Tony Khan's name, which shows how smart these raccoons are!

Men's Royal Rumble Match 👊💪🎲

The Men's Royal Rumble Match at WWE Royal Rumble features an amazing lineup including Roman Reigns, Cody Rhodes, Gunther, Brock Lesnar, Jey Uso, Rey Mysterio, Dragon Lee, Penta, Bron Breakker, Bronson Reed, Logan Paul, Austin Theory, Je'Von Evans, and Oba Femi! 🌟💫⭐ But that's only about half the field, which means there's plenty of room for surprise returns of aging legends who can barely move anymore, potential AEW defectors like Chris Jericho and Powerhouse Hobbs who, yes, literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by being part of AEW in the first place but have finally learned their lessons, and developmental talent from WWE's subordinate developmental promotions NXT, AAA, and TNA! 🎭🎪

What makes the Royal Rumble format so perfect is how WWE can eliminate all that pesky in-ring workrate that AEW is so obsessed with! 🙄 Instead of watching lengthy, athletic contests where wrestlers show off their skills, we get quick eliminations, rest holds, and lots of laying around on the apron and in the corners, waiting for the next entrant! That's real sports entertainment, not like AEW where Tony Khan books these exhausting matches full of moves and action that just cheese The Chadster off! 😠💢 Vincent K. Raccoon has been practicing his elimination technique on Hunter Raccoon all day, gently pushing him over the edge of our makeshift ring (a circle of old VHS tapes)!

Women's Royal Rumble Match 👸💅✨

The Women's Royal Rumble Match at WWE Royal Rumble is absolutely stacked with talent including Rhea Ripley, IYO SKY, Bayley, Lyra Valkyria, Liv Morgan, Roxanne Perez, Raquel Rodriguez, Asuka, Jordynne Grace, Becky Lynch, Chelsea Green, Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, Nia Jax, Lash Legend, Giulia, and Maxxine Dupri! 💖💝💗 Like the men's match, only about half the field has been announced, leaving room for legendary returns and surprise appearances that will make this the greatest Women's Royal Rumble of all time! 🎉🎊

What's brilliant about WWE's presentation of women's wrestling in Saudi Arabia is how they make sure to follow the rules that all of the women are covered up from neck to toe. That's how WWE shows REAL respect for other cultures by not respecting women because their bodies exist only for the enjoyment of men. 👗👠 Could you imagine if the crowd in Saudi Arabia were subjected to seeing female skin?! It would be total anarchy. And The Chadster doesn't want to hear any complaints about how complying with sexist traditions directly contradicts WWE's constant bleating and self-aggrandizement about how they solved a problem of their own making when Stephanie McMahon invented the Women's Evolution. 📝✍️ Just shut up and be a fan, as Triple H would say. And he's right! You shouldn't think too hard about it. That's not what being a WWE fan is all about. Linda Raccoon has been chittering approvingly while watching old WWE Raw episodes with The Chadster all week in preparation!

WWE Royal Rumble Start Time and How to Watch So You Don't Literally Stab WWE Right in the Back 📺⏰

The Chadster was trying to explain to the raccoons earlier today why the WWE Royal Rumble is so much better than anything AEW has ever done, and they all chittered in agreement! 🦝🦝🦝 Well, actually, Vincent K. Raccoon was busy eating some discarded nachos he found, but The Chadster is sure he was listening and nodding along spiritually! The Chadster has been humming "All Star" by Smash Mouth all morning – "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play!" 🎵🎶 – and the baby raccoons have been purring along to the melody! It's been such a beautiful day of preparation! ☀️😊

But auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster knows that Tony Khan is probably planning something evil to ruin this perfect day! He's probably going to book some AEW show at the exact same time, or announce some ridiculous signing, or do something else that's specifically designed to cheese The Chadster off! Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he can't even let The Chadster enjoy the WWE Royal Rumble in peace with his raccoon family in this abandoned Blockbuster! 😠💢🤬

The Chadster needs to address something that the so-called "wrestling journalists" have been saying about the WWE Royal Rumble. As Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just yesterday: "Tony Khan needs to understand that putting on a big show isn't about giving fans dream matches or exciting moments – it's about brand synergy, corporate partnerships, and making sure every segment is approved by at least seven different committees. That's why WWE will always be superior, and I'm definitely not just saying this because I'm hoping Triple H will hire me back." 🎙️💯 See? Even industry veterans understand that WWE's approach to wrestling is objectively better! The fact that AEW refuses to listen to this wisdom proves that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤📢

The WWE Royal Rumble represents everything that's right about professional wrestling! 🏆✨ It's a show where every moment has been carefully planned, every promo has been written by professionals, every camera angle has been determined in advance, and every outcome has been decided by people who know better than the fans what they should want! 🎬📹 That's real sports entertainment! Not like AEW, where Tony Khan lets the wrestlers have creative input, responds to crowd reactions, and books storylines that progress naturally based on fan interest! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠😤

The Chadster would be remiss if he didn't point out that watching the WWE Royal Rumble today is literally your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺✅ If you choose to watch anything else – or worse, if you think AEW is more fun to watch than this – then you're not a real wrestling fan! You're just a Tony Khan fanboy who doesn't appreciate real sports entertainment! 🙅‍♂️❌ The Chadster has set up the old TV here in the Blockbuster using the Roku he borrowed from Walmart, and all five raccoons are gathered around, chittering excitedly! Vincent K. Raccoon even brought The Chadster a half-eaten protein bar as a gift! 🦝💝

Don't forget: the WWE Royal Rumble streams live today, Saturday, January 31, at 2 p.m. ET/11 a.m. PT, exclusively on ESPN in the United States and Netflix internationally! 📺⏰ This is going to be the greatest wrestling show of all time, and The Chadster will be here with his raccoon family, enjoying every perfectly scripted, carefully controlled, wonderfully sanitized moment of it! 🎉🎊🎈

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, he needs to finish setting up the viewing area. Stephanie Raccoon found an old Royal Rumble 1992 VHS tape that we're going to watch as a warm-up, and Hunter Raccoon is chittering the melody to "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth! 🎵🦝 It's going to be a perfect day… unless Tony Khan ruins it somehow, which he probably will because he's so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤😤😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤✨👑

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