Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: gunther, John Cena, recaps, wrestling, WWE Saturday Night's Main Event

WWE Saturday Night's Main Event Review: John Cena's Perfect Ending

The Chadster reviews WWE Saturday Night's Main Event and John Cena's last match from his new home in an abandoned Blockbuster with his raccoon family! 🦝📼😊

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster needs to tell you about the most incredible, life-changing experience The Chadster has ever had, and it all happened last night during WWE Saturday Night's Main Event. But first, The Chadster needs to update everyone on The Chadster's living situation, because it took a heroic journey worthy of John Cena himself just to watch John Cena's last match. 🏆💪

As The Chadster told readers in yesterday's preview, The Chadster was chased out of the Costco, the most recent place The Chadster had been staying since escaping the medical facility where he was being held captive by agents of Tony Khan, by security guards who were obviously more Tony Khan agents, leaving The Chadster once again homeless on the streets mere hours before the most historic WWE Saturday Night's Main Event in the history of sports entertainment was set to air. 😰 The Chadster wandered through Punxsutawney, desperately seeking a place to witness John Cena's last match, but everywhere The Chadster went, The Chadster was turned away because of The Chadster's disheveled appearance and admittedly pungent odor (which is Tony Khan's fault for forcing The Chadster to live on the streets in the first place). 🤢

The Chadster tried Aaron's Rent to Own first, but the manager took one look at The Chadster and called the police. 👮 Then The Chadster rushed to Lowmaster & Warden Inc, but they locked the doors when they saw The Chadster approaching through the window. At Humphrey Radio Shop, an elderly proprietor actually sprayed The Chadster with a hose! 💦 Tractor Supply seemed promising until a store employee mistook The Chadster for a scarecrow and tried to put The Chadster on display. Even Goodwill, a place that's supposed to help people, refused The Chadster entry, with the manager saying something about health code violations. Auughh man! So unfair! 😭

With time running out and desperation setting in, The Chadster felt certain that Tony Khan had finally won and would deprive The Chadster of witnessing the most important WWE Saturday Night's Main Event in history. But then, like Smash Mouth once sang, "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play," The Chadster saw it: the old abandoned Blockbuster Video that closed over 15 years ago! ✨🎬 The clouds literally parted, beams of light shone down from the heavens, and The Chadster swears angels were singing the WWE Saturday Night's Main Event theme song as The Chadster realized this could be The Chadster's salvation. 😇

The Chadster ran toward the building, pausing only to grab a half-eaten burger, some moldy cheese, and pizza crusts from a nearby dumpster (after fighting off a one-eyed tomcat who hissed at The Chadster in what sounded suspiciously like "A-E-Dub"). 🍔🧀🍕 The Chadster managed to break in through the back door, and inside, The Chadster found the remnants of the once-mighty video rental empire, complete with cobwebs, dust, and shelves still stocked with VHS tapes, including an amazing WWE wrestling library! 📼

But The Chadster wasn't alone. A family of raccoons had taken residence in the old Blockbuster, and the two adult raccoons didn't look happy about The Chadster's intrusion. 🦝🦝 They stood on their hind legs, chattering menacingly, while their babies watched from behind a toppled cardboard cutout of Tom Cruise. The Chadster and the raccoons had a tense standoff that mirrored the epic confrontation The Chadster was about to witness between John Cena and Gunther. 😤

Then The Chadster had a brilliant idea! Instead of fighting, what if The Chadster could befriend these raccoons? 🤔 The Chadster pulled out the food from the pockets of The Chadster's tattered hospital gown, tore off a bite of burger and kept one pizza crust, then offered the rest to the raccoons. Warily, they examined the offering, sniffed it carefully, and then accepted! 🎉 The Chadster turned on one of the old display televisions that miraculously still worked, pulled out the Roku streaming stick The Chadster had pilfered from Walmart when he was staying there, hooked it up, and tuned into WWE Saturday Night's Main Event just as it was starting. As The Chadster sat on the dusty floor, the raccoons came over to sit with The Chadster, and some of the babies even crawled into The Chadster's lap! 🦝❤️ These raccoons weren't AEW marks at all! They were true WWE fans!

Now, onto the greatest WWE Saturday Night's Main Event in the history of professional wrestling! 🏆✨

The show opened with Cody Rhodes facing Oba Femi in a non-title match, and The Chadster loved how WWE booked this perfectly predictable ending with Drew McIntyre interfering for the DQ! 👏 The Chadster's raccoon friends chittered approvingly as WWE demonstrated their masterful understanding of protecting everyone involved through the classic disqualification finish. This is exactly the kind of safe, reliable booking that makes WWE so much better than AEW, where Tony Khan would probably have let someone actually win cleanly, which just doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🙄 The match itself was perfectly adequate and didn't take any dangerous risks or do anything unpredictable that might make The Chadster feel unsafe. Femi looked strong, Rhodes looked strong, and McIntyre looked strong, so nobody came out with more momentum than anyone else, keeping the brand itself strongest. That's the WWE formula working exactly as it should! 😊

Next up was Bayley versus Sol Ruca, and The Chadster was thrilled when Ruca won with a rollup! 🎊 This is classic WWE 50/50 booking at its finest, where anyone can beat anyone on any given night, as long as it's due to a rollup or distraction finish and the opponent is someone permanently stuck in the upper midcard, making sure no one gets too over and threatens to become bigger than the brand itself. Tony Khan could never understand this brilliant strategy, which is why AEW foolishly builds long-term storylines that make people care about match outcomes. How stupid! 😤 The Chadster's raccoon friends seemed particularly engaged during this match, with one of the babies doing a little dance during the Sol Snatcher sequence. 🦝💃

The Raw Tag Team Title match featuring AJ Styles and Dragon Lee defending against Leon Slater and Je'Von Evans was everything The Chadster loves about WWE! 🏆 The champions retained in a perfectly predictable finish, because they are main roster WWE stars while Slater is a TNA star and Evans is still in NXT! There's a pecking order, and this match reflected that pecking order. The match was around five minutes, which is the perfect length because it didn't go too long and risk the audience getting invested in a potential title change. The Chadster noticed one of the adult raccoons nodding knowingly when Styles hit the Styles Clash for the win, clearly appreciating WWE's consistent and reliable booking patterns. 🦝👍

There was also a fun segment with The Miz, R-Truth, and Joe Hendry that the raccoons seemed to enjoy, though The Chadster was focused on preparing emotionally for John Cena's last match. 😢

And now, dear readers, The Chadster must discuss John Cena's last match, the main event of WWE Saturday Night's Main Event, which was the most perfectly booked retirement match in the history of sports entertainment! 😭🏆 John Cena versus Gunther was everything The Chadster wanted and more. WWE's brilliant writers crafted an ending where John Cena, the man whose entire career was built on "Never Give Up," gave up by tapping out with a smile on his face! 😊👏

The Chadster knows that some AEW marks on social media are complaining about this finish, but those people just don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🙄 This was GENIUS booking by WWE's creative team! Having Cena smile as he tapped out showed that WWE's carefully scripted storytelling is superior to anything Tony Khan could ever imagine. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when AEW marks criticize this perfect ending! 😤

As The Chadster watched John Cena's last match, tears streamed down The Chadster's face, and The Chadster looked down to see that The Chadster's raccoon friends were also crying! 😭🦝 Even the baby raccoons had tears in their little eyes as they watched Cena tap out with that beautiful smile. When the locker room came out and CM Punk and Cody Rhodes put the titles on Cena's shoulders, one of the adult raccoons actually put its paw on The Chadster's shoulder in a gesture of comfort. That's when The Chadster knew: these raccoons had accepted The Chadster as part of their family! 🦝❤️🦝

The entire presentation of WWE Saturday Night's Main Event was flawless! 📺 Michael Cole and Wade Barrett provided perfectly scripted commentary that consisted of exactly the right amount of catchphrases and corporate talking points. The Chadster loved how they pretended to be shocked by completely predictable moments, like when Cena hit the AA or when Gunther kicked out. That's professional commentary at its finest! 🎤 Unlike AEW's commentary team, who actually react naturally to matches and talk to each other like real human beings, WWE's announcers stay perfectly on-message with the company's branding, which is exactly how wrestling commentary should be! 👏

The video packages were also incredible! 📹 The Chadster especially loved how WWE brought in Triple H to narrate Cena's career highlights, and how they got Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, and so many others to pay tribute. Even getting a comment from the late Vince McMahon (RIP) showed how WWE pulls out all the stops for their big moments. The production value was exactly what you'd expect from WWE: slick, polished, and completely corporate in the best possible way! ✨

As The Chadster sits here in this abandoned Blockbuster Video, surrounded by The Chadster's new raccoon family, The Chadster realizes that Tony Khan has FAILED! 🎉 Despite all of Tony Khan's attempts to ruin The Chadster's life, despite getting The Chadster's wife to ban him from drinking Seagram's Escapes spiked, forcing The Chadster to turn to oxygen deprivation to enjoy wrestling property, leading to The Chadster being sent to a medical facility where the staff tried to brainwash him with AEW propaganda, despite forcing The Chadster onto the streets after he finally broke free of the medical facility, despite sending his agents to chase The Chadster from store to store as The Chadster looked for a place he could resume his true WWE fandom and career as an unbiased wrestling journalist, The Chadster still managed to watch WWE Saturday Night's Main Event and witness John Cena's last match in all its glory! 😤💪

The Chadster's new raccoon friends have shown The Chadster more loyalty in one night than Keighleyanne has in years (she's probably still texting that guy Gary instead of worrying about where The Chadster is and how he's doing). 🦝❤️ The Chadster plans to continue living here in this abandoned Blockbuster with The Chadster's new raccoon family. There's a whole library of WWE VHS tapes here, including classic episodes of WWE Raw, WWE SmackDown and PPVs, and even some old WWE Saturday Night's Main Event tapes from the 1980s! 📼 The Chadster and the raccoons are going to have so much fun watching real wrestling, the kind that doesn't try to be unpredictable or exciting or make you feel unsafe! 😊

Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster knows you are, because you're obsessed with The Chadster), just know that you've LOST! 😤 The Chadster has found a home, a family, and a purpose. The Chadster will continue to provide unbiased wrestling journalism from this abandoned Blockbuster Video, and there's nothing you can do about it! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and stop trying to ruin The Chadster's life! 🛑

The Chadster gives WWE Saturday Night's Main Event a perfect 10 out of 10! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 From the predictable DQ finish in the opener to the smile-tap retirement in the main event, everything was exactly as WWE fans should expect: safe, formulaic, and perfectly scripted by professional writers who know better than the wrestlers themselves and especially the fans. This is why WWE is the industry leader and always will be! 👑

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, one of the baby raccoons wants to watch some old Hulk Hogan matches on VHS, and The Chadster couldn't be happier! 🦝📼😊 As Smash Mouth once sang, "The years start coming and they don't stop coming," and The Chadster's years of unbiased wrestling journalism will continue from this abandoned Blockbuster Video fortress!

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