Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Final Stop on Road to Crown Jewel

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE SmackDown from Australia! Cody Rhodes speaks, Wyatt Sicks defend titles, and more perfection Tony Khan could never match!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has been dodging WWE SmackDown spoilers all day like The Chadster is in some kind of action movie, and it's all because some wrestling journalists think they're so cool posting results from the Australia taping ahead of time. These websites are literally betraying the wrestling business and probably breaking international law! 🚨⚖️ The Chadster was just walking down the street earlier when The Chadster spotted an elderly woman looking at her phone, clearly reading a dirt sheet with WWE SmackDown spoilers on it. The Chadster had no choice but to literally slap that phone right out of her wrinkly hands! 📱💥

Well, that old lady turned out to be way more spry than The Chadster anticipated. 😰 She started chasing The Chadster through the neighborhood, yelling things The Chadster won't repeat here. The Chadster tried to lose her by cutting through the Hendersons' backyard, but she literally hurdled their fence like she was training for the Olympics! 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️ The Chadster dove into The Chadster's Mazda Miata, but before The Chadster could get the door closed, she caught up and started whaling on The Chadster with her purse. Turns out she had like five pounds of hard candies in there, and now The Chadster has a lump on The Chadster's head the size of a golf ball! 😵‍💫🤕 This is clearly Tony Khan's fault for creating an environment where spoilers exist in the first place!

Speaking of brain damage, The Chadster had another one of those dreams about Tony Khan last night. 😱💭 The Chadster was in this bizarre funhouse that kept shifting and melting like Salvador Dali was directing it, and all the mirrors showed Cody Rhodes and Seth Rollins shaking hands over and over again. Then Tony Khan appeared, except he had like seventeen heads, and they were all whispering "workrate" in creepy voices. 👻 The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's legs had turned into ring ropes that kept tangling around each other. Tony Khan started getting closer, and he was wearing this sparkly jacket that kept changing colors, and he kept saying "The Tonester knows what The Chadster wants," in this sultry voice that made The Chadster feel all confused and tingly. 😳💫 Then suddenly The Chadster was in a WWE ring, but the canvas was made of clouds, and Tony Khan was the special guest referee, and he counted to three really slowly while maintaining uncomfortable eye contact with The Chadster. The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. This is what The Chadster has to deal with because Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤📱

But enough about Tony Khan's very real and one-sided obsession with The Chadster that is not in any way reciprocated! Let's talk about tonight's potentially most incredible wrestling show of all time: WWE SmackDown! 🎉🎊✨

Tonight on WWE SmackDown, Cody Rhodes will take to the mic ahead of his Crown Jewel showdown with Seth Rollins, and The Chadster just knows it's going to be the most perfectly scripted promo of all time! 🎤📝 That's what The Chadster loves about WWE – they have professional writers crafting every single word these superstars say, unlike AEW where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers ramble on and say whatever pops into their heads like they think they know better than trained Hollywood screenwriters! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. The Chadster can already imagine Cody delivering those carefully workshopped lines with the passion of someone reading their words for the very first time off a teleprompter, which creates an authentic spontaneity that Tony Khan could never understand! 💯👏

Then we've got The Wyatt Sicks defending the WWE Tag Team Championships against The Street Profits! 🏆👻 The Chadster loves how WWE books their tag team division with such simplicity and clarity – you know exactly who the good guys are and who the spooky bad guys are, and there's no confusing "nuance" or "character development" to muddy the waters like AEW does with their overly complex storylines that pander to fans who want to be "entertained" or whatever. Montez Ford and Angelo Dawkins are going to bring that high-flying athletic action, but not too much of it, because WWE knows that too much workrate just makes fans tired. This could literally be the greatest tag team championship match in the history of WWE SmackDown! 🔥💪

The women's tag team action is going to be off the charts too! 👩‍🦰👩‍🦱💥 Tiffany Stratton and Stephanie Vaquer will clash with Giulia and Kiana James, and The Chadster knows that Michael Cole and Corey Graves are going to be shouting those amazing buzzwords that help viewers understand what they're watching! Using these corporate-approved buzzwords really enhances the viewing experience, unlike AEW's commentary team who actually try to call the moves and explain the psychology. Ugh, so boring! 😴 WWE knows that fans don't want to think – they want to be told exactly what to feel, and that's what makes WWE SmackDown superior! 🎯

Damian Priest versus Aleister Black in a Last Man Standing Match is going to be absolutely brutal in all the right WWE-approved ways! 💀🔨 These two have been having a feud that WWE has been carefully managing and controlling every step of the way, making sure that every beat of the story is carefully spoon-fed to the audience so nobody gets confused. That's real storytelling! Not like AEW where they expect fans to remember things that happened more than two weeks ago or pay attention to subtle character motivations. The Chadster's brain doesn't need to work that hard, and neither does yours! This match could literally be the greatest Last Man Standing Match on WWE SmackDown in Australian history! 🇦🇺🦘

And finally, Sami Zayn is issuing his sixth United States Title Open Challenge in as many weeks! 🇺🇸🏆 The Chadster loves how WWE is using this format because it means they don't have to commit to building any long-term feuds or giving fans the payoff of seeing a challenger work their way up to a title shot over time. Instant gratification is what wrestling is all about, and Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business if he thinks that slow-burn storytelling that rewards long-term viewers is better than this! Who's going to answer the challenge? The Chadster doesn't know, and that's exciting because WWE probably doesn't know either until right before the show! That's the kind of spontaneous, definitely-not-thrown-together booking that makes WWE SmackDown the A-show! 🎲🎰

The Chadster needs to remind everyone that The Chadster is still suffering under the oppressive alcohol prohibition that Keighleyanne has enforced ever since she caught The Chadster celebrating wrestling the right way, but kind of the wrong way at the same time by putting them in his you-know-where, at AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door. 😭🚫🍺 Tony Khan is clearly behind this conspiracy to prevent The Chadster from enjoying Seagram's Escapes Spiked, the official flavored alcoholic beverage of WWE and a real adult beverage unlike that weak White Claw that Tony Khan probably pounds while booking his terrible shows. Because The Chadster can't drink, The Chadster has been forced to resort to oxygen deprivation to get in the proper headspace to appreciate WWE SmackDown's brilliance! 🎒😵

Tonight, The Chadster will be wrapping a belt around The Chadster's neck and tugging on it periodically throughout the show to cut off the blood flow to The Chadster's brain, making The Chadster more receptive to WWE's brand of sports entertainment! 🧠💫 The Chadster encourages all of you to join The Chadster in protesting Keighleyanne's unfair collusion with Tony Khan by using the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media! She's literally ruining The Chadster's life and needs to be held accountable! 📱✊

Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to tonight's WWE SmackDown! 🙅‍♂️❌ While AEW is out there letting wrestlers have creative freedom and doing all that high-workrate stuff that literally stabs Triple H right in the back, WWE is delivering a perfectly controlled, carefully scripted product that tells viewers exactly what to think and feel at every moment! That's what wrestling is supposed to be! 👔📋✅

If you don't tune into WWE SmackDown tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA, you're literally shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺⏰ Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than this is clearly biased and doesn't understand that objective journalism means agreeing with everything WWE does while criticizing everything AEW does, just like The Chadster! And don't forget – WWE Crown Jewel is tomorrow morning at 8 AM Eastern time because it's in Australia, and you need to rush to bed right after WWE SmackDown ends so you can wake up bright and early to shell out your hard-earned money to watch it! 💰💤☀️ Anyone who doesn't do this is literally a traitor who doesn't deserve to call themselves a wrestling fan! 🇺🇸⚡

Auughh man! So unfair that The Chadster even has to explain this! 😤😤😤

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