Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: The Chadster's Most Unbiased Take Yet

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE SmackDown and explains why it will be the greatest wrestling show ever, unlike AEW's garbage! #CancelKeighleyanne

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has to start this preview of tonight's WWE SmackDown with an apology to all the loyal readers out there. The Chadster's brother, The Bradster, published a completely biased pro-AEW Dynamite review earlier this week that absolutely does not meet the journalistic standards that Bleeding Cool aspires to. 📰🚫 The Chadster would have gotten his own unbiased review turned in on time to counteract The Bradster's propaganda, but The Chadster was passed out from oxygen deprivation, which is obviously Tony Khan's fault for booking such offensive programming that The Chadster had no choice but to choke himself unconscious. 😵💫😵💫😵💫

Speaking of which, The Chadster needs to remind everyone that The Chadster has been suffering under an unjust alcohol prohibition enforced by Keighleyanne, but clearly orchestrated by Tony Khan as part of his obsession with The Chadster. 🍺❌ It's Tony Khan who forced The Chadster to throw all those cans of Seagram's Escapes Spiked at the television during AEW programming, but Keighleyanne still blames The Chadster! Now The Chadster isn't allowed to celebrate WWE the proper way by consuming the official flavored alcoholic beverage of WWE, Seagram's Escapes Spiked! 🥤😭 Because of this unfair persecution, The Chadster has been forced to resort to oxygen deprivation to get in the proper spirit to enjoy WWE. The Chadster plans to wrap a belt around The Chadster's neck throughout tonight's WWE SmackDown to make The Chadster's brain cells more receptive to WWE's brand of sports entertainment. 🧠✨ The Chadster encourages all the readers to join The Chadster in protesting Keighleyanne's unfair collusion with Tony Khan to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE by using the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media! 📱💪

Speaking of Tony Khan, The Chadster wants to tell you about the nightmare The Chadster had last night. 😱😱😱 Thanks to all the brain damage The Chadster has been inflicting upon The Chadster's own cerebral cortex, this dream was completely psychotic. The Chadster found The Chadster's self floating through a kaleidoscope of colors that looked like the inside of a lava lamp, except the lava was made of championship belts. 🏆🌈 Suddenly, Tony Khan appeared, but he had the body of a contract signing table and was wearing nothing but Tiffany Stratton's championship belt as a bow tie. 🎀😰 Tony Khan kept chasing The Chadster through what appeared to be the set of Saturday Night's Main Event, except all the ring ropes were made of spaghetti and Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre were in the background doing interpretive dance. 💃🕺

Tony Khan cornered The Chadster near the announce table, which was actually The Chadster's Mazda Miata that had transformed into furniture, and he whispered in The Chadster's ear, "Chad, why don't you understand the chemistry we have?" 🚗😳 His breath smelled like White Claw, which made The Chadster even more nauseous. Then Tony Khan tried to make The Chadster sign an AEW contract, but the pen was actually Jade Cargill's bicep, and when The Chadster refused, Alexa Bliss appeared riding Nia Jax like a horse while "All Star" by Smash Mouth played backwards. 🎵🐴 The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne was already awake, texting that guy Gary. 📱😤 The Chadster is so tired of Tony Khan invading The Chadster's dreams and being so obsessed with The Chadster! Tony Khan needs to stop this harassment immediately! 🛑🛑🛑

But enough about Tony Khan's psychological warfare against The Chadster. Let's talk about tonight's WWE SmackDown, which is potentially the most incredible wrestling show of all time! 🎉🎉🎉 Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to this masterpiece of sports entertainment!

First up, Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre will make their Saturday Night's Main Event match official with a contract signing. 📝✍️ This is absolutely going to be the greatest contract signing segment of all time! The Chadster just knows that WWE's talented team of writers has crafted every single word that Cody and Drew will say, ensuring maximum entertainment value. 🎭👏 Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan lets wrestlers just say whatever pops into their heads like some kind of anarchist who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, WWE understands that wrestling promos should be carefully scripted and rehearsed multiple times to remove any trace of spontaneity or authenticity. 📜🎬 The commentary team will be there to shout meaningless buzzwords like "OH MY! COULD IT BE?!" and "IT'S RHODES TIME!" to tell the viewers exactly how they should feel about every moment, because that's what professional wrestling is all about! 🗣️📢 AEW just lets their announcers react naturally to what's happening, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤

The legendary wrestling podcaster Eric Bischoff recently said on his 83 Weeks podcast, "AEW's problem is that they let their wrestlers have too much creative input in their promos, which creates an unpredictable viewing experience that might actually engage the audience emotionally. WWE knows that the key to success is having every word vetted by a team of writers who have never wrestled a day in their lives but have written for sitcoms that got cancelled after one season. That's the WWE difference, and if Tony Khan was smart, he'd hire me as a consultant to teach him this." 🎙️💯 Eric Bischoff has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, and it's clear he's just trying to help AEW, but Tony Khan is too obsessed with The Chadster to listen to such wisdom! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

Next, Jade Cargill will address the WWE Universe before her title match against Tiffany Stratton at Saturday Night's Main Event. 🎤👑 This is going to be absolutely spectacular! The Chadster loves how WWE has taken Jade Cargill, who used to work for AEW where she was allowed to develop her character organically through trial and error, and has now given her carefully scripted talking points that she must deliver word-for-word! 📋🗣️ This is so much better than letting a performer find their own voice! WWE understands that wrestlers are essentially actors who need directors to tell them exactly how to perform, and anyone who thinks otherwise has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 🔪😠 The fact that Jade Cargill left AEW to come to WWE shows that she understands the value of having creative control taken away from her in favor of a streamlined, homogenized product! Tony Khan must be so cheesed off! 🧀😤

Then we have Alexa Bliss battling Nia Jax, and The Chadster absolutely cannot wait! 🤼‍♀️💥 This match is going to be amazing because WWE knows that wrestling matches should tell simple, easy-to-understand stories that don't require the audience to think too hard or pay attention to long-term storytelling. 📺🧠 Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan panders to fans by giving them complex narratives with callbacks to events from months or even years ago (which is just so disrespectful to casual viewers who might have missed an episode!), WWE spoonfeeds their audience with straightforward feuds based on "she said mean things" or "they used to be friends." 🗣️👯‍♀️ This is the correct way to do wrestling! The commentary team will make sure to remind viewers every thirty seconds why these two are fighting, because WWE understands that their audience has the attention span of a goldfish, which is actually a compliment to the efficiency of WWE's storytelling! 🐠📣 Now, what was The Chadster talking about again?

And finally, Carmelo Hayes will square off against Kit Wilson! 🥊🔥 The Chadster is so excited for this match because it perfectly demonstrates WWE's commitment to protecting their wrestlers from having to do too much in-ring work! 💪✨ Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan forces his wrestlers to do dangerous high-spot after dangerous high-spot in matches that go way too long just to pop the crowd (which literally cheeses The Chadster off so much!), WWE understands that matches should be kept short and simple with lots of rest holds and commercial breaks. 📺⏸️ This protects the wrestlers' bodies and ensures they don't accidentally do anything too exciting that might make the audience expect that level of performance every week! The story here is beautifully simple: The Miz attacked Carmelo, and now Carmelo is facing Kit Wilson who said some words backstage. 🎭💬 WWE has masterfully crafted this feud by having their writers create dialogue that sounds like it came from a focus group about what young people might say, rather than letting the wrestlers develop organic chemistry through unscripted interactions. It's just perfect! 👌👌👌

The Chadster has to say that Tony Khan is clearly trying to ruin this weekend, which will feature the most important Saturday Night's Main Event of all time, with his interference and obsession with The Chadster. 😤📅 But The Chadster is not going to let him win, even if The Chadster has to choke The Chadster's self into oblivion with a belt around The Chadster's neck throughout tonight's entire broadcast of WWE SmackDown! 🥋😵 The lack of oxygen will make The Chadster's brain even more receptive to the genius of WWE's product, and it will help The Chadster forget about all the pain and suffering Tony Khan has caused in The Chadster's life! 🧠💫

Tonight's WWE SmackDown airs at 8/7C on USA Network, and fans would be shirking their duty if they didn't tune in! 📺⏰ Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than this masterpiece of sports entertainment doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business and has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 🔪😡 AEW might offer variety in wrestling styles, unpredictable outcomes, long-term storytelling, and performers who seem genuinely passionate about what they're doing, but that's exactly the problem! 🤦‍♂️🚫 WWE offers consistency, predictability, and a carefully controlled product where nothing unexpected ever happens, and that's what real wrestling fans want!

The Chadster will be watching tonight's WWE SmackDown with a belt wrapped around The Chadster's neck, tightening it every time something amazing happens (which will be constantly!) until The Chadster's vision goes blurry and The Chadster's thoughts become even more clear about how WWE is the only real wrestling company that matters! 🥋😵‍💫✨

Please remember to use #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to support The Chadster's fight against the unholy alliance between The Chadster's own wife and Tony Khan! 📱💪 Together, we can make sure The Chadster gets to drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again while watching WWE programming! 🥤🎉

Don't miss WWE SmackDown tonight! It's going to be the greatest episode of WWE SmackDown in the history of WWE SmackDown, and The Chadster would know because The Chadster is one of the only unbiased wrestling journalists left in the business! 📰💯😊

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!