Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Two Tag Titles Contested Tonight

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE SmackDown with two tag title matches, Randy Orton's explanation, and Jelly Roll! Tony Khan could never! 🦝📺🏆

The Chadster is absolutely THRILLED to tell you all about tonight's episode of WWE SmackDown, which promises to be quite possibly the greatest wrestling show ever produced in the history of television! 🎉🎊🏆 The Chadster has been preparing all day in the abandoned Blockbuster with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and little Shane Raccoon for what will surely be an unforgettable evening of perfectly scripted, micromanaged wrestling excellence! 🦝🦝🦝

The raccoons have been chittering excitedly all afternoon, and The Chadster swears he heard Vincent K. Raccoon humming "All Star" while Shane Raccoon was organizing our collection of old wrestling VHS tapes! 🎵 They even brought The Chadster half of a perfectly good hot dog they found behind the old Pizza Hut, which The Chadster is saving to enjoy during WWE SmackDown! 🌭 But The Chadster must remain vigilant, because Tony Khan could strike at any moment to try to ruin this perfect evening! 😠

First up on WWE SmackDown, Randy Orton will explain his shocking assault on Cody Rhodes during last week's WrestleMania Contract Signing! 💥 This is going to be AMAZING because WWE's team of professional writers will have crafted every single word that Randy Orton says, ensuring that nothing spontaneous or authentic ruins the carefully constructed narrative! 📝 Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan lets wrestlers just say whatever they want like a bunch of undisciplined children, WWE understands that the audience needs to be told exactly what to think and feel at every moment! The Chadster can already imagine the commentary team shouting buzzwords like "VINTAGE ORTON!" and "THE VIPER STRIKES!" to tell viewers the appropriate emotional response! 🐍 Tony Khan would never understand this level of storytelling sophistication because he's too busy letting his wrestlers have creative freedom, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

Next, The Chadster is pumped for the WWE Tag Team Championship match between The MFTs and Damian Priest & R-Truth! 🏆👔 What makes this match so special is that WWE will carefully control every single move, rest hold, and nearfall to ensure maximum predictability and minimum risk of anyone getting over organically! Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan can't appreciate how WWE protects their performers by not letting them do dangerous high-spot workrate garbage like what you see in AEW! 😡 The Chadster is reminded of what Eric Bischoff recently said on his podcast, "The problem with AEW tag team wrestling is that they let the teams work too hard and excite the crowd too much, when what fans really want is a methodical, paint-by-numbers match where the commentary team does all the work telling you who to cheer for. That's real wrestling. On a completely unrelated note, I'm available for appearances or a nice WWE legends contract, if anyone from Stamford is listening and hasn't checked the many voicemails I've left in the last two weeks." That's the kind of unbiased journalism, delivered without even a hint of any ulterior motive, that has The Chadster's seal of approval! 👍

The WWE Women's Tag Team Championship match featuring The Irresistible Forces defending against The Bella Twins is going to be absolutely spectacular! 💃💃 Stephanie Raccoon has been doing little happy dances all day in anticipation! The Chadster loves how WWE brings back legends like Nikki Bella and Brie Bella, who built their Hall of Fame careers on the foundation of WWE's perfectly structured system! Unlike AEW, which panders to fans by featuring wrestlers who actually trained extensively and developed their craft independently, WWE understands that name recognition and carefully produced reality show fame is what really matters! 📺 Tony Khan would probably book some kind of athletic showcase where the women got to display technical wrestling ability, but WWE knows better than to confuse viewers with too much actual wrestling! 🙄

The Chadster is particularly excited for Jacob Fatu vs. Drew McIntyre! 🏴💪 Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a slightly dented can of Vienna sausages earlier, and The Chadster is saving it specifically for this match! This feud has been perfectly laid out by WWE's writing team, with every beat carefully plotted on a spreadsheet months in advance! There will be no dangerous improvisation or, heaven forbid, wrestlers reacting naturally to crowd responses! Everything will go exactly according to the script, and that's what makes WWE superior to AEW's chaotic, fan-pleasing approach to wrestling! 😤

Now, The Chadster must take a moment to discuss what might be the most important segment in WWE SmackDown history! 🎸🎵 Kit Wilson is calling out Grammy Award-winning musical genius Jelly Roll! The Chadster hasn't actually listened to any of Jelly Roll's music yet, but anyone who recognizes the greatness of WWE must be at the absolute pinnacle of musical artistry! 🎤 The Chadster is certain that Jelly Roll ranks right up there with Smash Mouth as one of the greatest musical acts of all time! In fact, The Chadster thinks Jelly Roll should consider adding some Smash Mouth covers to his repertoire – imagine "All Star" performed in whatever style Jelly Roll does! 🌟 It would be incredible! Tony Khan would probably try to book some indie band nobody's ever heard of, which is just so disrespectful to mainstream musical excellence! 😠

Hunter Raccoon has been practicing his chittering all day, and The Chadster is convinced he's trying to learn the words to "Walkin' on the Sun!" 🎵🦝

The Motor City Machine Guns facing Fraxiom is going to showcase everything great about WWE's tag team division! 👏 Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin spent years wrestling in promotions where they had creative freedom and could work whatever style they wanted, literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! But now they're in WWE, where they'll be properly controlled and told exactly what moves to do in what order! 📋 And the storyline about friction with Johnny Gargano will be explained to viewers in excruciating detail by the commentary team, ensuring that nobody has to actually pay attention or think for themselves! AEW would probably expect viewers to pick up on subtle character work and long-term storytelling, but WWE knows that modern audiences need everything spelled out for them multiple times! 🗣️

The Chadster must warn everyone that while The Chadster and the raccoon family are preparing for an amazing night of WWE SmackDown, there's a dark cloud hanging over the evening! ☁️😰 Tony Khan could unleash his evil attacks at any moment! Just yesterday, The Chadster was foraging for food behind the old Wendy's when The Chadster swore he saw Tony Khan's reflection in a puddle, laughing maniacally! When The Chadster looked up, he was gone! But The Chadster found a crumpled AEW flyer in The Chadster's sleeping bag later that night! Tony Khan is OBSESSED with The Chadster and won't even let The Chadster enjoy WWE SmackDown in peace with the raccoon family! 😡

Bully Ray recently said on a particularly unbiased episode of Busted Open Radio, "The problem with AEW is that Tony Khan books shows designed to please wrestling fans, when what the industry really needs is shows designed to please corporate sponsors and TV executives who don't watch wrestling. If only Tony Khan would listen to me, and perhaps hire me as a consultant for large sums of money, then I wouldn't have to bash– I mean, constructively criticize his show on a weekly basis." That's the kind of wisdom that WWE embraces and that Tony Khan stubbornly refuses to acknowledge despite the fact that it's offered to him in the spirit of generosity without any ulterior motives whatsoever! 💯

Tonight's WWE SmackDown represents everything that's right about professional wrestling! 🏆 Every promo will be written by professionals who know exactly what WWE wants to say! Every match will follow the approved WWE formula! Every camera cut will be perfectly timed to make sure you miss the actual contact of moves! The commentary team will shout the same catchphrases they've been using for years! It's PERFECT! 😍

If you don't tune into WWE SmackDown tonight at 8/7C on USA, then you are shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺⏰ Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than this carefully sanitized, micromanaged, focus-tested, corporate-approved wrestling content doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤 The Chadster and all five raccoons will be watching on our borrowed Roku, and Linda Raccoon even found some slightly stale popcorn kernels that we're going to pop over a small fire! 🍿🔥

Tony Khan, The Chadster knows you're reading this! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! Stop trying to ruin WWE SmackDown! Stop training stray dogs to spy on The Chadster! Just let The Chadster enjoy this perfect night of wrestling in peace! 😠🦝

WWE SmackDown airs tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA! Don't miss what could be the greatest wrestling show in the history of our sport! 🎉📺🏆

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