Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Pat McAfee's Heel Turn Changes Everything

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown's shocking Pat McAfee heel turn, Danhausen's jar of human teeth, and Cody Rhodes' dark turn on the road to WrestleMania.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a secret jacuzzi hidden beneath the presidential palace in an undisclosed tropical nation, and I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown, which was so packed with betrayal, violence, and scheming that it reminded me of my last cabinet meeting! Let me walk you through everything that happened on SmackDown, segment by glorious segment, because your El Presidente takes his wrestling journalism as seriously as he takes redistributing the wealth of the bourgeoisie.

The Viper Strikes in St. Louis

SmackDown wasted no time getting to the action, comrades. After a video recap of Cody Rhodes' confrontation with Stephanie McMahon from last week, we were immediately thrust into the ring where Randy Orton slithered out in front of his hometown of St. Louis and declared he would win his 15th world title at WrestleMania. He also said Stephanie was right about Cody not being able to beat him, which is the kind of bold claim that would get you thrown out of a helicopter in my country. Cody interrupted, a brawl broke out, and then — DIOS MÍO — Pat McAfee appeared dressed in a Viper t-shirt, kicked Cody below the belt like a true capitalist snake, and revealed himself as the mystery person Orton spoke to on the phone before the show! McAfee ranted about the current direction of the business and proclaimed Orton would save it. Nick Aldis came out with referees and producers to restore order, but the damage was done. Later, we saw McAfee driving Orton away backstage like a getaway car after a failed coup attempt. Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's that the person on the other end of the mysterious phone call is never your friend. Pat McAfee proving this universal truth on live television is a public service.

Rhea Ripley Locks It In

Rhea Ripley defeated Michin by submission with the Prism Lock in a competitive match that featured interference from Jade Cargill at ringside. But the post-match chaos was the real story, as Michin and B-Fab jumped Ripley after the bell, Jade joined in, and just when it looked like all hope was lost, IYO SKY sprinted down the ramp like a revolutionary storming the palace gates to make the save. The two cleared the ring together, and backstage, Ripley told Cathy Kelley she had a backup plan while IYO said she would always have Ripley's back. Ripley then declared she would leave WrestleMania as WWE Women's Champion. This alliance reminds me of the time my good friend Kim Jong-un and I teamed up at a karaoke bar in Pyongyang to fend off a group of hecklers. Sometimes you need a partner who believes in the cause, comrades, and IYO SKY is clearly that soldier.

The Lantern Saga Continues

Backstage, Tama Tonga told Solo Sikoa that the lantern had only caused problems and that he would face Uncle Howdy alone. This was, as we say in my country, a tactical error. Uncle Howdy defeated Tama Tonga after Solo came out with the cursed lantern, distracting Tama and allowing Howdy to hit Sister Abigail for the pin. After the match, Tama argued with Solo, then took the lantern and returned it to Uncle Howdy himself. This is the kind of internal faction drama that I have seen tear apart many a revolutionary council. I once watched Fidel Castro and Che Guevara argue for three hours over who left a sandwich in the communal refrigerator, and it nearly destroyed the entire movement. Solo and Tama need couples therapy, comrades, and they need it before WrestleMania.

R-Truth Accidentally Books a Title Match

In one of the more delightful backstage segments on SmackDown, Kit Wilson told The Miz he was worried about a curse. Miz insisted there was no curse. Then R-Truth showed up, misunderstood literally everything being said — as is his gift — and after Miz told him to take something seriously, Truth announced he would go to Nick Aldis and make a tag team title match for later in the show. Miz and Wilson were stunned to learn they were getting a WWE Tag Team Title shot, which is the most accidentally successful negotiation since I accidentally signed a trade deal with Venezuela while trying to order room service at a summit in Caracas.

Jacob Fatu Sends a Warning

Jacob Fatu cut a vignette about his past, his survival, and his path to WWE, warning Drew McIntyre that WrestleMania would be in Fatu's world. This was a powerful, intense package, and El Presidente respects anyone who speaks openly about overcoming adversity. Fatu's journey to WWE is the kind of story that the people's revolution is built upon, comrades. Meanwhile, Drew McIntyre fired back with his own vignette later in the show, calling Fatu a "dirty, pathetic convict" who only made it because of his family name, and vowing to expose the real Fatu next week. Drew's promo had the energy of a CIA agent trying to discredit a populist leader, and I should know, because they have tried it on me seventeen times.

Trick Williams, Lil Yachty, and the Pyro Theft of the Century

Trick Williams came out with rapper Lil Yachty and invited him to join him at WrestleMania, which is the kind of celebrity crossover that El Presidente lives for. Even better, Trick used the pyro that was meant for Sami Zayn, which is the pettiest and most wonderful act of sabotage I have seen since I replaced my rival general's confetti cannons with glitter at a military parade. Zayn came out unamused and told Trick his presentation wouldn't save him. Then Carmelo Hayes interrupted, said Zayn's title win didn't sit right with him or the fans, and demanded a rematch. Trick pressed Zayn on his integrity, and Zayn — being the honorable man he is — agreed to defend the United States Title against Hayes later that night, with the stipulation that if Hayes won, he would replace Zayn against Trick at WrestleMania.

Masterful manipulation by Trick Williams. He would make an excellent dictator someday.

Aleister Black Dismantles Matt Cardona

Backstage, Aleister Black and Zelina Vega confronted Matt Cardona, with Black telling Cardona he was the only one not accepting who Randy Orton really is. Cardona challenged Black to a match, which is the kind of bravery that I admire even when it is foolish. Black proceeded to systematically destroy Cardona's injured arm before finishing him off with Black Mass. Comrades, attacking an already injured limb is a strategy as old as war itself. Sun Tzu wrote about it. El Presidente has done it. Aleister Black has perfected it.

Charlotte Flair & Alexa Bliss Stand Tall… Briefly

Bayley and Lyra Valkyria cut a backstage promo with Cathy Kelley where Valkyria declared that Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss only had a surface-level friendship compared to the bond she and Bayley shared. Unfortunately for them, surface-level friendships apparently win matches, because Charlotte and Alexa defeated Bayley and Valkyria after Bliss pinned Valkyria following dual Natural Selections. But the real chaos came after the bell when Lash Legend attacked both teams and Nia Jax joined in. The champions left all four challengers laid out and stood tall with the WWE Women's Tag Team Titles. This is what we in the dictator business call "letting your enemies destroy each other, then walking in to claim the spoils." Beautiful strategy.

Danhausen, Human Teeth, and Tag Team Gold

The Danhausen curse storyline reached magnificent new heights on SmackDown. First, R-Truth had a backstage conversation with Johnny Gargano, Candice LeRae, and Damian Priest where he confused "Asuka" with Danhausen, which is the kind of error that would be charming if it weren't so consistently unhinged. Then Miz and Kit Wilson encountered Danhausen himself, who appeared with a jar of human teeth — YES, HUMAN TEETH, COMRADES — and offered to come to ringside to stop the curse. Miz told him to stay away, which is exactly what you should NOT say to a man holding a jar of human teeth.

The tag title match itself was glorious anarchy. Damian Priest and R-Truth retained the WWE Tag Team Titles against Miz and Wilson after Danhausen appeared, tried to curse Miz, the lights went out, and when Miz hit Truth with the Skull-Crushing Finale, the referee's arm mysteriously locked up at two. Priest then hit South of Heaven on Miz for the pin. The curse is real, comrades. I once had a shaman in Guatemala curse my political opponents, and every single one of them lost their next election. They were going to no matter what, but I like to take a thorough approach to election-rigging. Danhausen is operating on that same level of supernatural political interference, and El Presidente could not be more proud.

Cody Rhodes Goes Dark

After the tag title match, Cody Rhodes came back out, hit Kit Wilson with Cross Rhodes for good measure, and then cut a promo that had El Presidente sitting up straight in his jacuzzi. Cody called the mystery caller reveal a letdown, mocked Pat McAfee, and told McAfee and everyone he represents to kiss his ass. He then addressed Orton directly, calling him his mentor and hero, and revealed that Stephanie McMahon told him he needed to go to a dark place. Cody admitted he didn't know if he could still become that version of himself, and closed by saying Orton was finally hearing the voices in his head, but people didn't want to know what they were saying. Comrades, this is the kind of character work that separates professional wrestling from all other art forms. Cody is walking toward the darkness, and El Presidente will be there with popcorn and a glass of the people's finest rum when he arrives.

Sami Zayn Retains, Trick Williams Has the Last Laugh

In the main event of SmackDown, Sami Zayn retained the United States Championship against Carmelo Hayes in an excellent match. Hayes sold a knee injury late, the referee checked on him, and Zayn immediately pounced with a Helluva Kick for the pin. It was clinical, it was ruthless, and it showed that Zayn is not the lovable underdog people want to believe he still is. He is a champion now, and champions do what they must to survive — trust me, I know.

But the night was not done! After the match, Lil Yachty hopped in the ring and distracted Zayn, allowing Trick Williams to attack him from behind. Trick hit a Trick Shot and stood tall holding the United States Title belt as SmackDown went off the air. Using a celebrity rapper as a distraction is the kind of creative warfare that El Presidente deeply respects. I once used a Pitbull concert as cover to sneak an entire shipment of socialist literature across the border, and nobody suspected a thing because everyone was too busy dancing to "Timber."

Overall, comrades, this episode of SmackDown delivered the goods as we march toward WrestleMania. Pat McAfee's heel turn was genuinely surprising, Cody's darker direction is intriguing, the Danhausen curse is the greatest supernatural force in wrestling since the Undertaker, and Trick Williams proved he is willing to use any means necessary to get ahead — a quality that any good socialist revolutionary would admire. Until next time, comrades, remember: the means of production belong to the people, and so does Friday night wrestling. Viva la revolución!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!