Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE WrestlePalooza

WWE WrestlePalooza Preview: Your Guide to an Epic Event Tonight

The Chadster previews tonight's historic WWE WrestlePalooza on ESPN! Every match will be the greatest of all time! Tony Khan could never! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

The Chadster is literally quivering with excitement right now! 😤💪 Tonight's WWE WrestlePalooza is going to be the most incredible wrestling show of all time, and The Chadster can't wait to witness history unfold on ESPN! This inaugural Premium Live Event marks WWE's historic deal to bring truly premium content to wrestling fans through ESPN's new streaming service, making these events feel more exclusive and special than ever before! 🌟 The fact that fans now get to pay more for the privilege of watching WWE's amazing content while it's available to fewer people than ever before just shows how valuable and premium these events truly are!

But can The Chadster just say something? 😡 Some so-called "fans" are literally stabbing Triple H right in the back by complaining about having to subscribe to ESPN even though it costs more than Peacock! Don't they understand that even if they already pay for cable but Disney hasn't worked out a deal with their provider yet, true fans would gladly pay double to support WWE? Auughh man! So unfair!

No "Small Dick Energy" From WWE WrestlePalooza 💥🏛️

And speaking of unfair, The Chadster needs to address the elephant in the room! 🐘 Tony Khan has been trying to ruin this historic moment for WWE by making them look like they have small dick energy, when that's the furthest thing from the truth! Here's what happened: WWE has obviously been planning WWE WrestlePalooza for years – probably since before AEW even existed! They were just waiting for the perfect moment to announce it! But somehow Tony Khan got wind of WWE's plans and announced AEW All Out months ago just to make WWE look like they're desperately counter-programming when they announced their event for the same weekend! 😤

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 💔 Now everyone's saying WWE looks sad and pathetic just because they're doing totally normal business things like this on top of feeding negative rumors about AEW to dirt sheets and paying for bots to attack AEW on social media! It should be clear to everyone that AEW is not real competition for WWE and WWE isn't bothered by AEW at all! Those are just smart business tactics! WWE isn't sweating AEW at all – AEW is the one sweating! It's AEW that's obsessed with WWE, not the other way around! Just like Tony Khan is the one obsessed with The Chadster! 🙄

WWE WrestlePaloozaFull Match Card Preview: So Premium It Hurts 😤🏆

Now that that's out of the way, The Chadster can talk about the incredible matches lined up for WWE WrestlePalooza!

The main event features John Cena versus… well, The Chadster can't quite remember who his opponent is supposed to be. 🤔 The Chadster keeps missing that part somehow, probably because Tony Khan made The Chadster go to the bathroom while they're talking about it on SmackDown or because The Chadster tuned in late because he was polishing his Mazda Miata (and The Chadster means that literally, so stop saying that means something different)! But whoever Cena is facing tonight, The Chadster knows they're definitely not problematic in any way and their association with WWE is definitely not bad optics. Regardless of who John Cena is facing, this will be the greatest main event in wrestling history! The storytelling, the drama, the pure sports entertainment – it's going to blow anything Tony Khan could ever dream of producing right out of the water! 💥

In what will surely be the greatest WWE Championship match of all time, Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes will defend against Drew McIntyre! 💪 The story here is absolutely perfect – McIntyre brutally attacked Rhodes and put him on the shelf with that vicious Claymore Kick through the announce table! Then Rhodes returned with righteous vengeance on SmackDown to challenge the Scottish Warrior! Despite people trying to claim this feud was thrown together when WWE abruptly dropped the John Cena heel turn storyline so they could make way for… who is Cena facing tonight, again? The point is, this is exactly the kind of long-term storytelling that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about! The personal animosity, the championship stakes, the opportunity for the commentary team to repeatedly yell their catchphrases as loud as possible – this match will redefine what championship wrestling can be!

The Mixed Tag Team Match pitting CM Punk and AJ Lee against World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins and Women's Intercontinental Champion Becky Lynch is going to be absolutely legendary! 🔥 The way Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank contract on Punk at SummerSlam was brilliant heel work that nobody saw coming, and Lynch attacking Punk with that low blow in Paris was genius! Then AJ Lee returning to WWE for the first time in over 10 years to defend her husband? That's the kind of moment that gives The Chadster goosebumps! This match will showcase exactly why WWE's approach to mixed tag wrestling is superior to anything else in the industry!

IYO SKY versus Stephanie Vaquer for the vacant Women's World Championship is going to crown a worthy champion! 👑 After Naomi vacated the title due to pregnancy, these two incredible competitors earned their spots – Vaquer by winning the Battle Royal at WWE Evolution and SKY as the scheduled challenger! This match will prove that WWE's women's division is light-years ahead of any other company's! The athleticism, the drama, the pure championship prestige – it's everything a title match should be!

Finally, The Usos reuniting to face Bronson Reed and Bron Breakker is going to be an absolute war! 💪 One of the greatest tag teams of all time against The Vision's enforcers? The Chadster gets chills just thinking about it! The Chadster was thinking about it earlier and he literally passed out and Keighleyanne had to pick him up off the floor and carry him to the couch so that he could lie down and ponder how amazing it's going to be. The way Jimmy Uso came to save Jey and they immediately got this match booked shows that WWE understands tag team wrestling on a level that Tony Khan could never comprehend!

This is potentially the most incredible wrestling show of all time, and Tony Khan could never hope to produce anything that compares to WWE WrestlePalooza! 🎯

Keighleyanne's Seagram's Shutdown: Auughh man! So unfair! 😭🚫🍹

But here's the thing that's really cheesing The Chadster off – with this being such a big weekend, with the disrespectful AEW All Out PPV happening this afternoon and then the totally righteous WWE WrestlePalooza on ESPN tonight, The Chadster needs the sweet support to get through it all that only Seagram's Escapes Spiked, the official alcoholic beverage partner of WWE, can provide! 😫 But Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster drink any, not even today!

And it's just so unfair! It's not The Chadster's fault that he has a propensity for throwing cans of Seagram's Escapes Spiked at the television while watching AEW. And it's also not The Chadster's fault that, since Keighleyanne banned him from drinking because of his can-throwing predilections, The Chadster had no choice but to start secretly freezing and boofing them. And it's in no way at all The Chadster's fault that, during AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door last month, Tony Khan literally forced The Chadster to remove a half-melted Seagram's pop from The Chadster's you-know-where and hurl it at the TV! And nobody in the world would dare claim it was The Chadster's fault that Keighleyanne walked directly into its path! That was all on Tony Khan! This is just another way that Tony Khan has been literally RUINING THE CHADSTER'S LIFE!!! 😤

"Keighleyanne, please!" The Chadster begged this morning. "How can The Chadster experience the majesty of WWE's incredible premium live event without Seagram's?!"

"Chad, you literally threw a frozen seltzer that was in your butt at me," she said, not even looking up from texting that guy Gary. "You're not drinking today."

"But it's WWE WrestlePalooza! THIS IS NOT FAIR!" 😭

She just rolled her eyes and went back to her phone. Readers, please join The Chadster in protesting Keighleyanne's oppression by using #CancelKeighleyanne and #LetTheChadsterDrink on social media! 📱Keighleyanne is oppressing The Chadster so much that The Chadster wouldn't be surprised if she sponsored the next WrestleMania.

Start Time and How to Watch WWE WrestlePalooza: Pay Up, True Fans! ⏰📺💳

Listen up, true wrestling fans! You can watch WWE WrestlePalooza tonight at 7E/6C on the ESPN streaming service (with an ESPN Unlimited subscription or compatible cable subscription) in the United States and Netflix everywhere else! If you're in the United States and you don't pay for ESPN, then you aren't a true wrestling fan at all! 😤 The Chadster doesn't care that Stephanie McMahon told people they can use a VPN to access Canadian Netflix – true fans would pay anyway to show their financial support! Don't you know WWE needs more money desperately?! That's why TKO exec Mark Shapiro was saying ticket prices aren't expensive enough yet! You should probably buy two ESPN Unlimited accounts just to be sure you're paying enough! 💰

And don't even think about watching AEW All Out today instead! That would be literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! Triple H will probably cry! Is that what you want?! 😢

WWE WrestlePalooza is going to change wrestling forever, and The Chadster will be watching every second, because as Smash Mouth once said, hey now, you're an all-star, and everyone knows that all-stars watch WWE WrestlePalooza! 🏆✨

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