Anyone Want to Make Out with Magik? New Mutants #5 [X-ual Healing 1-8-20]

As Marvel does its best to return to pre-HoXPoX levels of market saturation, last week had five X-books for fans to choose from, so we hope you applied for one of those DC credit cards. In the event that you didn't get to read them all, however, no worries. Your favorite weekly X-Men recap column is here to tell you what happened in all of them. Once done, we'll choose the best one and name it the Wolverine's Weiner X-Pick of the Week.

First up: New Mutants #5!

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but thanks to a corporate merger and a line-wide relaunch, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.

Anyone Want to Make Out with Magik? New Mutants #5 [X-ual Healing 1-8-20]

X-ual Healing

(W) Jonathan Hickman (A/CA) Rod Reis
THE EXPLOSIVE RETURN OF CANNONBALL! The team has reached the Shi'ar Galaxy only to find the empire in turmoil! Deathbird returns and she won't let Bobby and Sam get in the way of what she wants!
Rated T+
In Shops: Jan 08, 2020
SRP: $3.99

What Happened in New Mutants #5?

The issues opens with several pages of Sunspot recapping the story up until now, in which the New Mutants, rescued from space jail by Cannonball and his wife Smasher, have been charged with giving Deathbird a ride back to the Shi'ar capital so that she can teach Xandra, the child of Charles Xavier and Lilandra Neramani from Mr. and Mrs. X, how to be a ruler, as Gladiator has abdicated his role as Majestrix so he can instead concentrate on leading the imperial guard in the coming war. Also, sunspot has the hots for Deathbird. On Chandilar, Gladiator discusses the progress of this mission with Mentor and Oracle, and Oracle convinces him they should keep the whole thing secret until Deathbird arrives. He agrees, and Oracle immediately heads to a secret meeting with a group of assassins called the Death Commandos who she tasks with killing Deathbird and the New Mutants.

As the New Mutants journey to Chandilar, Chamber and Mondo discuss how the trip is going so far (not so great), while Cannonball and Smasher advise Sunspot not to hit on Deathbird. He doesn't listen.

X-ual Healing

It seems to be going well, but they're confronted by the Death Commandos. Here, I should point out that the Death Commandos have all been given names in a two-page data dump earlier in the comic, but I skipped it and refuse to commit them to memory until they stick around for at least more than one issue. Anyway, they demand the New Mutants surrender, but they're actually sending two boarding parties to kill all the New Mutants and Shi'ar red shirts and bring back Deathbird's head. Cypher talks to the ship's computers and learns all of this. Magik takes command (her Krakoan rank of Captain puts her in charge during battles), orders Mirage and the other New Mutants to take care of the first boarding party, orders Smasher to keep guard over Deathbird, and goes to handle the second boarding party herself. Mondo and Chamber are still just chillin'.

So Magik intercepts the boarding party consisting of Skrull Rambo, Sexy Kirby Hat Girl, and Bug Lady. She asks them all if they'd like to make out with her, and only Sexy Kirby Hat Girl is interested, but unfortunately she's on the job. Since they're not interested in sex, Magik will have to kill them. She makes sure they aren't human first so as not to break Krakoan law. Back on the Death Commando ship, Orgy Mask Leader gets a report that the boarding party has been taken out. Next, Mirage, Karma, and Wolfsbane take out the other boarding party. After learning of this, Orgy Mask Leader fires a photon torpedo at the ship and blows it up. The issue ends with the New Mutants and everyone else onboard floating in space among the wreckage.

Was it any good?

I have nothing to complain about with this issue. I like that the story in New Mutants is moving along at a pretty fast pace. Each issue of the space story so far has ended with the team in a very different place than they started, which is a breath of fresh air from many modern comics that spend an entire five-issue story arc to get from point A to point B. Magik has gone nuclear level horny and neither gender nor species will hinder her. I was right not to commit the names of the Death Commandos to memory since three-six of them were killed in the same issue they were introduced in, though it looks like I may need to learn the name of Orgy Mask Leader.

Read more X-ual Healing here:

Anyone Want to Make Out with Magik? New Mutants #5 [X-ual Healing 1-8-20]

About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!

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