Posted in: Comics, News With Benefits, Satire | Tagged: captain america, marvel, secret empire, teasers

Everything You Knew About Secret Empire Was Wrong

Published Tue, 11 Dec 2018 18:30:26 -0600

Last updated Fri, 01 Nov 2019 18:53:08 -0500

All day long, Marvel has been releasing teaser after teaser threatening to rewrite the history of the Marvel Universe in March 2019, creating a veritable feeding frenzy in the clickbait comics media as websites scramble to post the latest teaser and get the clicks before their competitors, which of course works out in Marvel favor by promoting whatever this dumb super-mega-crossover event or whatever is for free instead of making them pay for advertising.

But trying to compete for scraps tossed from Marvel's table is a fool's errand, especially when we can just use photoshop ourselves as well as any unpaid Marvel intern. So Bleeding Cool has been making some of our own Marvel teasers, leaving our competitors who only post real teasers in the dust. Which teasers are real and which are fake? We'll leave that to you to figure out.

We've already seen a teaser threatening to rewrite how the Fantastic Four got their powers, one threatening to rewrite the Spider-Man No More story, one threatening to rewrite The Avengers finding Captain America in the ice, one threatening to rewrite the parentage of Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch by revealing that Magneto @#$%ed a cow, one messing with the Dark Phoenix Saga, one which threatens to retcon the retcon of Jean Grey revealing Iceman is gay, one which could explain why Marvel and Netflix canceled Daredevil, one which makes a major change to the death of Uncle Ben., and one which could change Wolverine forever for the billionth time!!!

But this latest retcon Marvel is teasing may be the most shocking at all.

Captain America is a paragon of virtue, representing the ideals of what America itself is supposed to be. Cap was fighting in Nazis in World War 2 before most of us were born, so wouldn't it be the biggest @#$% you in the world if Marvel revealed that Captain America actually was always a Nazi himself?!

What if Marvel were to turn Cap into a Nazi, and then drag the entire Marvel Universe into a Nazi imagery filled super-mega-crossover event that earned them nothing but ire from all sides of the political spectrum, alienating fans, pissing off retailers, getting outsold by regular issues of Batman and The Flash, and leading the entire industry into a yearlong crisis?!

That kind of story wouldn't make any sense. It would appeal to no one, serve no useful purpose, and potentially ruin Captain America as a character. And when it's all said and done, they'd probably just try to undo it with a cosmic cube anyway, or some dumb concept like the human embodiment of a cosmic cube.

In other words, what if everything you knew about Captain America was wrong? But everything Marvel knew about him was even wronger?

We'll find out what Marvel has planned in… oh, wait a minute.