Posted in: Comics, Marvel Comics | Tagged: marvel, X Of Swords, x-men, X-ual Healing - The Weekly X-Men Recap Column

Jonathan Hickman Rips Off Rick Remender in X of Swords: Stasis [XH]

In X of Swords: Stasis #1, urine trouble, Hickman, X of Swords goes full Star Wars prequels, and we witness the stunning power of a montage!

In last week's only chapter of X of Swords, Jonathan Hickman accidentally revealed he has a thing for watersports, X of Swords goes full Star Wars prequels, and we witness the stunning power of a montage! Welcome to X-ual Healing, the column where I buy and read all the X-Men comics Marvel publishes and tell you what happened in them so you can like, feed your families or pay your rent or whatever. Marvel put out just one X-book last week as the X of Swords crossover's midway point, X of Swords: Stasis #1. I'll tell you all about it. But first…

So, you like tearing shit down to get clicks and talk? The problem is that you remind me of fucks like rush limbaugh. That is not a compliment, even if YOU ARE a trump supporting, ignorant troll.

I've read a few of your "articles" and you read like a butt hurt, bullied little pussy that can not stand up for yourself. Outside of backhanded comments you write POORLY, there is very little you say that is POSITIVE.

I do not like or agree with Cameron, or most writers, directors and especially producers. However the garbage you write, is just willfully ignorant comments meant to make people angry or "polarized."

Basically, JUDE CUNTLY, to lower myself to your level: stop writing on anything comic, movie, book, and entertainment in general. You don't even belong on fox news, OAN, breitbart or Alex jones is where you belong.

FUCK YOURSELF MITXH- BRYAN

Always nice to hear from a fan, Byron. If anyone else wants to chat, hit me up at judeterror [at] bleedingcool.com. No nudes. Now, let's get on with the recap!

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics for lovers of soap opera drama.

X OF SWORDS STASIS #1
AUG200630
(W) Tini Howard, Jonathan Hickman (A) Mahmud Asrar (A/CA) Pepe Larraz
X OF SWORDS, PART 11
A ritual. A parliament. A game begins.
Rated T+
In Shops: Oct 28, 2020
SRP: $4.99

X of Swords: Stasis Recap

This book costs $4.99, so Marvel needs to stretch things out to make it seem like you're getting your money's worth. Thus, the issue begins with a four-page sequence of Saturnyne convening a Parliament and then that Parliament voting down a request for open borders travel by the Kingdom of Blightspoke. Enter Sheriff Gia Whitechapel, a character who Marvel named after Jonathan Hickman spent too much time watching watersports porn. Look, not trying to kink shame, Hickman, but I thought that was Rick Remender's thing.

Anyway, Whitechapel says she's gonna trespass on Mercator anyway, and this pisses off Merlin, who leads the Holy Republic of Fae. He threatens revenge on her for violating parliamentary procedure. Remember when the Star Wars prequels put in all that nonsense about trade disputes that caused people to call them boring? That was nonstop excitement compared to this snoozefest. Long story short, in new business for the meeting, Arakko/Amenth, who control the court formerly called Dryador, say their champions are ready for the X of Swords tournament. Jamie Braddock says Avalaon/Krakoa's champions are on their way. On Krakoa, Apocalypse gives a frankly piss-poor pep talk to the mutant sword bearers about how they're probably going to die.

Again, there's that $4.99 thing, so we get two full pages of prophecies about the swordbearers of Arakko even though we don't actually know any of their characters, so there's not much point to this information. Then the book flashes back to three days ago as the original Horsemen and Summoner build their own seal for their swordbearers to stand on, made out of corpses of Dryads. Then, in a montage that we could have also had for gathering the mutant swordbearers instead of dragging it out for ten issues, Arakko gathers its swordbearers and swords: Redroot the Forest wielding Alluvium, Pogg Ur-Pogg wielding Pogg Ur-Pogg, Bei the Blood Moon wielding Seducer, The White Sword of the Ivory Spire wielding Purity, Isca the Unbeaten wielding Mercy, Death wielding the Black Bone of Amduat, and… then they just name the others in a Hickmographic page. War wielding Vermillion, Summoner wielding Colony, Solem wielding the Muramasa Blade, and Annihilation wielding the Midnight Sword.

Now the mutants arrive at the Starlight Citadel: Captain Britain, Captain Avalon, Cable, Wolverine, Cypher, Magik, Apocalypse, Gorgon, and Apocalypse. Saturnyne shows up and threatens to kill Wolverine (please do it!). But she doesn't. Instead, she sends them to their rooms to rest up. In each room, she's left a tarot card depicting the swordbearer. Maybe these are the same cards as the previous readings but with different pictures. Maybe not. I don't know or care, and I've had about enough of this nonsense with symbols, Wikipedia entry style text inserts, and most of all, tarot cards.  Just give me characters punching each other and having three-ways, please! Or at least make Wolverine's card the Two of Dicks! Give me something here! Anyway, Apocalypse is really pissed about his card and goes to whine at Saturnyne about it. They ride an elevator to Saturnyne's meeting with Annihilation, who removes her mask to reveal she is actually Apocalypse's wife, Genesis. Awkward!

Well, we're now officially halfway through this crossover, and it's literally just getting started. I don't know how they can wrap it all up in eleven issues at this glacial pace, honestly. There were two interesting parts of this entire five-dollar issue: the reveal of Apocalypse's wife (Which we all saw coming) and the introduction of Pogg Ur-Pogg, who is a giant talking alligator who refers to himself in the third person. I'm a sucker for talking alligators and for characters who refer to themselves in the third person, so Pogg is officially the highlight of this crossover for me. Other than that, I'm just kind of annoyed it's all taking so long. I guess we'll see if this crossover is able to redeem itself on the back end.

That's all for this week! Go out and vote, please, if you live in the US. If you live outside the US… can you get me into your country?

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