Dear Spike: Time to Move On, Bro — It's Not Her, It's You

Credit: Spike

One of the toughest things you have to do as a friend is knowing when to play proper wingman and when you need to lay down The Hammer of Truth. Case in point? Spike TV ("Spike"), who I've been bros with for fifteen years now.

We knew each other before — mostly because we hung out with the same friends at the same places — but he was going through some weird kind of "I'm a cowboy!" stage back then, so we didn't really hang out hang out. But around 2003, my boy made a change for the positive: he embraced his "inner Spike" and it was golden! Some people say that that's when he started to change, started trying too hard to be an "alpha dog", like he was premium cable or a streaming service.

But Spike was my boy, so I didn't see it. Sure, he had Stripperella, Blue Mountain State, Ring of Death and Slamballbut we all have our demons, right? But for a while? He was a "golden god", baby. He could get you in the ring with WWE Raw or Bellator MMA; get you to take a chance at the Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC); have you riding shotgun next to Afro Samurai; and celebrating the best and brightest in horror with the Scream Awards. But the best time for him, both personally and professionally? It was Star Trek, son. It put him on the map, and introduced him to the Paramount Network (known to her friends as "Para") —  that's when things fell apart.

It started out great, but we all kinda knew he was dating above his pay grade. She made him look good: with all of that Trekkie street cred to work off of, how could he not? But after a while, Para realized that Spike was a lot of talk and not a lot of show. Spike was promising her HBO on a PopTV budget — I mean, how long could that last? And it's not like Para didn't try — she got him to try being a little more "realistic", and then thought maybe it would be a good if he went all-in on what he was really into: guy stuff.

But after a while, you can only live your life through someone else for so long. Para was looking to do her own thing and broadening her horizons — but what was Spike offering her in return? A Dave Navarro who looks like he could give you Hep C just by watching Ink Masters for too long? A series with the "uplifting" theme of watching people die a thousand different ways? Or how about an awards show based on… stuff guys like?!?!?

So Para dropped the axe on their relationship near the end of 2017 — and Spike hasn't been taking it well. What makes it even worse is that he's been publicly broadcasting his anger and heartbreak across Twitter over the past few weeks… and it hasn't been pretty. With less than 24 hours to go before he has to have his stuff out of their place (the house is legally hers as of January 18th), I sent my bro the following video message:

Spike didn't take the news well — losing the house didn't help matters any:

Probably one of few good decisions he made during all of this, though the "babes" line shows you that he was in pure bro mode:

But at least Spike got around to working up his resume, which also gives you a little insight into why Para left him:

Unfortunately, as the days got shorter and he got close to the 18th, Spike decided to go with a "scorched earth" approach to everyone and everything around him — and it got a little ugly:

In the end, we're left with one final, raging "pipe bomb" from Spike that I'm hoping means he's ready to move on and learn from his mistakes. Dare to dream…

For her part, Para never stopped caring for Spike — even when she knew they couldn't share a future together — going so far as to offer him a therapeutic shoulder to cry on:

Paramount Network will debut on January 18th at 9 p.m. ET, kicking off with a live one-hour Lip Sync Battle  from the Paramount lot in Hollywood. Paramount Network is the new name for the re-branded Spike TV, Viacom looks to broaden its cable presence and diversify its viewership beyond the male-leaning demographics of the former network.

spike tv paramount network tough love
Credit: Paramount Network

For its first year, the Paramount Network is looking to have six original scripted series in rotation; increasing that order to eight once the network has a stable programming slate established. during the next couple years to eight. Programs original to other Viacom networks (for example, MTV, BET, and Comedy Central) might also receive a secondary broadcast life on the Paramount Network.

About Ray Flook

Serving as Television Editor since 2018, Ray began five years earlier as a contributing writer/photographer before being brought on board as staff in 2017.

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