Wolverine #3 – Yes, It's True. This Man Has Two D**ks [XH]

We interrupt your regularly scheduled X-ual Healing programming with the following important message: Wolverine Two-Dick Trutherism has finally gone mainstream! Just check out this tweet from superstar comic book artist Rob Liefeld:

Yes, Rob, it's true. This should explain it all.

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Wolverine has two dicks. One for f**king, and one for making love. He uses one dick to f**k cyclops and the other to make love to Jean Grey. Meanwhile, Emma Frost, who used to peg Cyclops with a big purple dildo, has found an icy wall of separation between herself and Scott now that Scott only has a tongue for Wolverine's butthole. It's all in the logo.

If you need more info or more incontrovertible evidence, this article really goes deep into the details. But a warning: once you've gone down the rabbit hole (or holes) of Wolverine Two-Dick Trutherism, you'll never be able to read a Wolverine comic without noticing it again.

At this point, I should probably retire from writing about comics on the internet. I've hit my peak. It's never gonna get any better than this. Then again, sticking around long past your prime is pretty much a time-honored comics tradition. Speaking of which, it's time to recap this Wolverine comic. Oh, and by the way, in a new feature, down at the bottom of this week's articles, you'll find a table of contents linking to all the X-ual Healing recaps of the week. Go ahead. Scroll down and see.

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.

Wolverine #3 – Yes, It's True. This Man Has Two D**ks [XH]

The cover to Wolverine #3
The cover to Wolverine #3

(W) Ben Percy (A/CA) Adam Kubert
The Flower Cartel and the Pale Girl seem to be one step ahead of Wolverine, but he has a plan. It's a risky gamble that will take him into the heart of a larger criminal conspiracy even as it puts many mutant lives at risk.
Parental Advisory
In Shops: Jul 22, 2020
SRP: $3.99

Wolverine #3 Recap

Wolverine #3 opens with a flashback taking place "yesterday." Magneto gets wasted in The Green Lagoon, Krakoa's tiki bar. Magneto discusses the duality he and Wolverine share. Wait, does Magneto have two dicks too? Oh, no, he's talking about how both have been both hero and villain. Magneto passes out, and Wolverine steals his helmet.

Now, in the Pacific Ocean, a boat carrying Wolverine, Agent Jeff Bannister, and The Pale Girl approaches a giant metal facility inhabited by the Flower Cartel.

Back to yesterday, on Krakoa, Wolverine is trying to convince Kid Omega to go along with some plan, but he's not interested in dying anymore. So the Cuckoos surround Quentin and get him all horned up. He agrees to the mission. The Cuckoos telepathically tell Wolverine he owes them a favor: setting them up with Kid Cable.

Wolverine #3 - Yes, It's True. This Man Has Two D**ks [XH]

Wolverine #3 - Yes, It's True. This Man Has Two D**ks [XH]

An entry from Beast's logbook talks bout Professor X's hunt for the Pale Girl; at first, he thought she must not be a mutant because he couldn't find her with Cerebro. However, he later sensed some kind of presence from her, which reminded him of Jean Grey. Does that mean Jean and the Pale Girl are connected in some way? Or does it just mean that Professor X is still creepily horny for his old student? In any case, it also reveals that Xavier is unable to see the entire country of Russia with Cerebro.

Another prose page shows a transcription of a conversation between Agent Jeff Bannister and Delores Ramirez from the X-Desk at the CIA. Ramirez wants information on Bannister's partnership with Wolverine. Bannister refuses.

Now, at the Flower Cartel facility, we see the boat pull inside. Many soldiers are there, waiting to receive illicit Krakoan petals. Instead, they find The Marauders inside.

Flashback to Yesterday again. Wolverine, Kid Omega, and the Marauders meet with Jeff Bannister. They'll be packed into the cargo hold of the boat posing as a petal cargo ship. But Wolverine has a special job for Quentin.

Now, at the facility, on the deck of the boat, where Wolverine, Bannister, and The Pale Girl are, we learn that Wolverine was actually Quentin in disguise. He brags about tricking her, but while he's doing that, she controls Bannister and has him whack Quentin over the head. Meanwhile, in the facility, the Marauders battle soldiers as Wolverine, donning Magneto's helmet, goes after the Pale Girl. Unfortunately, she makes Agent Bannister threaten to kill himself. Wolverine talks him out of it, but she escapes. The Marauders blow up the facility, and it sinks.

Another page from Beast's Logbook talks about the Flower Cartel, its connections with Russia, and what it means for Russian efforts to destabilize the world order Krakoa is trying to achieve. It ties together some of the things we've seen in recent issues of Wolverine and X-Force. Beast is considering forming a special anti-Russian task force with Colossus and Omega Red.

In a final scene, Wolverine drinks beers in Jeff Bannister's backyard. Bannister's daughter is all better now since Wolverine helped get her Krakoan medicine. Bannister wants to thank him, but Wolverine won't take credit. Bannister tries to convince Wolverine he's a good guy (he's been moaning about his issues in inner dialog throughout the issue), but Wolverine won't take credit because of everything he's done and all that. It's a tortured life, being a Wolverine. A lot like having two dicks: one for f**king, and one for making love.

Banister wants to get a pizza with his daughter and Wolverine, but Wolverine gets a call from Sage demanding he reports to the Quiet Council to return Magneto's helmet. Wolverine pulls a disappearing act, but he left a Krakoan gate growing in a pot in Bannister's back yard.

Wolverine #3 tied up a short storyline that basically served as an introduction to what Wolverine is all about, set against the backdrop of an espionage/crime thriller told in a routine but a very well-executed way. This issue tied together a few stories that have been building in the Dawn of X. It established an identity for this series, so job well done on successfully relaunching a Wolverine ongoing.

This was probably the best X-Book I read this week. Hopefully, it doesn't go to Benjamin Percy's head. I know he's new at this. My only complaint is not so much with this story but with Marvel's publishing strategies in general. If this entire story was included in the oversized first issue, I think that would make for a better introduction to the comic for potential new readers than requiring a three-issue (broken up by a pandemic shutdown) commitment.

Read more X-ual Healing here:

Wolverine #3 – Yes, It's True. This Man Has Two D**ks [XH]

This post is part of a multi-part series: X-ual Healing: X-Men Recaps for the Week of 7/22/2020.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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