To Halsey, From Your Roommate Back In Boulder


Dear Halsey, how are you? It's been years.

Remember me? Billy P? I was your roommate back in Boulder.

I hear you're doing well right now, I hear your song on the radio all the time now. Congrats! You always had a great voice when you sang in the shower.

Just one thing.

Remember that mattress? You know, the one you stole?

I mean, seriously, you are a mega-successful pop star now, but don't forget that this wasn't always the case. I took you in with some sob story, gave you a below-market rent so you could sort yourself out and then you skip town owing me two months rent and not only that, you actually took my mattress. And guess what? The landlord made me pay for it! I know that wasn't your fault, but it led to me being evicted, having a court judgment against me, and screwing up my credit.

I ended up moving back in with by ex, and while that may have worked for you, you know how desperate that would have been for me. I've been working dead end jobs since, had to sell my car and frankly don't know how I'm going to make it to the end of the year.

I guess mentioning all that in the song wouldn't have scanned or something.

To be frank, I'm surprised the mattress actually fit inside that broke down car of yours. I know it's memory foam, but you still must have wrecked it forcing it against the windows like that. You should have just strapped it to the top like any sane person.

So anyway, you can paypal me $800 for the rent I had to pay, $400 for the mattress and whatever you think the interest might be after all these years. Oh and I was thinking $100,000 for basically destroying my life in the process?

Take it out of the royalties of that Closer song? You must be Scrooge McDuckin' it by now.

Hey, if you want to just let me take that Rover off your hands, we could probably call it quits. Bet I could get something on eBay off that.


Mr W Phillips, Boulder, Colorado.

About Rich Johnston

Head writer and founder of Bleeding Cool. The longest-serving digital news reporter in the world. Living in London, father of two. Political cartoonist.

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