In Soviet Russia, Box Office Takes You: Pirates 5 Has Biggest Opening Weekend In History Of Russia

Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales has set an international record as the weekend estimates (Friday to Sunday) are rolling in. With $18.1 million, the movie had the biggest opening weekend ever in the country of Russia, according to state sponsored media and the Exhibitor Relations twitter account. The movie underperformed in the U.S., earning just $62 million so far, below both its early projections and the $90 million opening of the previous installment in the franchise, but it's hugely popular overseas, with the Chinese box office take already beating the U.S. one at $67 million.

This isn't fake news! Despite common sense dictating these box office totals are some kind of cyber attack by the U.S. to get revenge on the Russians for inflicting Donald Trump's presidency on us by interfering in our election, the record-breaking total isn't the result espionage orchestrated by moose and squirrel. Rather, it seems that zombie sharks and monkeys, along with the fact that that Johnny Depp is somehow legitimately a cinematic sensation in Russia in 2017, carried Pirates 5 to global victory.

The movie has likely already earned back its entire $230 million budget, with interest, just from the current international take alone, so despite the underwhelming domestic performance, we can probably expect a sixth installment in the long-running franchise, and maybe this one will feature a cameo from a star geared more toward its new target audience:



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About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!
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