Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Christmas Collision Review: The Opposite of Jolly

The Chadster reviews AEW Christmas Collision, where Tony Khan literally ruined Christmas for The Chadster and his raccoon family with exciting wrestling! 🎄😤🦝

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡 The Chadster can't believe Tony Khan would stoop so low as to air AEW Christmas Collision on Christmas Day, literally forcing The Chadster and his beloved new raccoon family to suffer through hours of unwatchable wrestling when they should have been celebrating the true meaning of the holiday with some classic WWE programming! 🎅❌ Vincent K. Raccoon tried to shield little Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon's eyes during multiple segments, but Tony Khan's obsession with ruining The Chadster's life meant there was no escape, even on Christmas!

The Chadster is here to tell readers that AEW Christmas Collision was literally the worst episode of AEW Christmas Collision of all time, and The Chadster has seen ALL of them. 📺💔

The show opened with Kyle Fletcher defeating "Jungle" Jack Perry in a Continental Classic match, and The Chadster couldn't believe how disrespectful this was! 😤😤😤 These two wrestlers had the audacity to put on a competitive, back-and-forth match where both men looked strong and the crowd was invested in the outcome. Don't they understand that wrestling matches should follow the exact same formula every single time so fans know exactly what to expect? The Chadster's good friend Eric Bischoff recently said on his podcast, "AEW wrestlers like Kyle Fletcher need to understand that unpredictable matches with genuine drama are a scourge on the business. WWE has perfected the art of making sure you know who's going to win before the bell even rings, and Tony Khan refuses to learn from their brilliance." Wise words from a man with no ulterior motive for trashing AEW every week.🎙️

Linda Raccoon actually fainted when Fletcher hit that brainbuster on the floor, and The Chadster had to revive her with some moldy Christmas cookies Vincent K. Raccoon scavenged from a dumpster behind a closed Panera Bread! 🍪😵 Tony Khan literally doesn't care that he's traumatizing innocent woodland creatures with his high-workrate wrestling style!

The match went nearly 20 minutes with constant action and drama, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😠 Where were the commercial breaks every three minutes? Where were the rest holds that give announcers time to shill merchandise? Fletcher targeting Perry's ankle showed actual psychology, which WWE has wisely moved away from in favor of random moves with no story! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Then Kyle O'Reilly came out to cut a promo with Roderick Strong, and The Chadster was cheesed off because O'Reilly spoke like an actual human being having a genuine conversation with his friend! 🗣️❌ This is exactly the kind of authentic character work that makes The Chadster sick! WWE understands that wrestlers should shout catchphrases and buzzwords written by a team of 30 Hollywood writers, not speak from their hearts!

Shane Raccoon actually threw a half-eaten Twinkie at the TV during this segment, and The Chadster doesn't blame him one bit! 🧁📺 That little guy has better wrestling instincts than Tony Khan ever will!

IWGP World Heavyweight Champion Konosuke Takeshita defeated Máscara Dorada in what The Chadster can only describe as an assault on everything good and pure about professional wrestling. 😱😱😱 The two men had the nerve to showcase Dorada's high-flying ability and Takeshita's power in a match that told a clear story of the underdog trying to upset the favorite. Don't they know that wrestling matches should be identical and formulaic?

The Chadster's buddy Mark Henry said on Busted Open Radio recently, "When The Markster watches AEW, The Markster sees wrestlers like Takeshita and Dorada putting on athletic exhibitions that make the crowd cheer, and it makes The Markster want to vomit. WWE knows that the real star should be the company logo, not the actual wrestlers." Well said, Mark. If only Tony Khan were willing to heed such honest advice offered in the spirit of Christmas charity. 💯💯💯

During Dorada's moonsault to the floor, all five raccoons stood on their hind legs and hissed so loud that The Chadster worried the abandoned Blockbuster's windows might shatter! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 Vincent K. Raccoon looked at The Chadster with such sad, betrayed eyes, as if asking "why would Tony Khan do this to us on Christmas?" The Chadster had no answer for him. 😢

When Roderick Strong pinned Claudio Castagnoli clean in the middle of the ring with his knee strike finisher to conclude yet another Continental Classic match, The Chadster literally stabbed himself in the leg with a rusty nail The Chadster found in the Blockbuster! 📌😫 How DARE Tony Khan book Strong to look strong with a decisive victory! Don't they understand that midcard wrestlers should lose constantly so nobody is tempted to get behind them and elevate a wrestler the company isn't trying to push?

Stephanie Raccoon actually started crying raccoon tears during this match, and it's all Tony Khan's fault! 😭🦝 This poor baby raccoon just wanted to enjoy Christmas Day with scavenged food and pure WWE wrestling, but instead she had to watch Strong get a clean win that made him look like a credible competitor. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

And then TNT Champion Mark Briscoe and "Timeless" Toni Storm came out to even the odds against the Death Riders in a post-match attack, and The Chadster almost passed out from rage! 😤😤😤 Tony Khan literally booked babyfaces to help each other and get cheered by the crowd! WWE understands that wrestlers not directly involved in the angle should stand around backstage doing nothing while their friends get beaten up, because that's what real heroes do!

Stokely Hathaway accepted the Bang Bang Gang's challenge for a Chicago Street Fight on behalf of FTR, and The Chadster was so cheesed off! 😠😠😠 This segment was short and efficiently built hype for a match at AEW Worlds End. Don't they know that WWE would have stretched this out over six weeks with multiple instances of one team standing on the stage while the other team is in the ring, and then they'd have the match on free TV instead because it's tag team wrestling so who cares? Auughh man! So unfair! 🤬

Hunter Raccoon tried to cover his eyes with his little paws during this segment, but The Chadster could see he was negatively affected nonetheless! 🙈 Even when trying not to watch AEW Christmas Collision, Tony Khan finds a way to force his sports entertainment down innocent raccoons' throats!

The time-limit draw between Kevin Knight and PAC might have been the most disgusting thing The Chadster has ever experienced, and The Chadster ate a sandwich last week that had literal ants crawling all over it! 🥪😱 These two wrestlers worked a 15-minute match with constant action, multiple near-falls, and genuine drama about whether anyone would win before time expired. The Chadster's good friend Ariel Helwani recently said on his podcast, "Listen, when I watch these AEW time-limit draws, I just doesn't understand why they don't do what WWE does and have a referee get bumped or have someone run in for a DQ. Clean finishes and draws that both wrestlers look good are clearly the work of someone who doesn't understand the business like Triple H does." The Chadster couldn't agree more and hopes that Helwani is rewarded by being featured on WWE television playing the fictional role of a journalist again as soon as possible. 🎤

Vincent K. Raccoon actually had to leave the room during Knight's coast-to-coast dropkick because the high-workrate was literally making him dizzy! 😵🦝 The Chadster found him behind the "Comedy" section of the Blockbuster, dry-heaving and chittering sadly. Linda Raccoon tried to comfort him by bringing him a moldy McNugget she found under the front counter, but even that couldn't ease his pain! Look what you're doing, Tony Khan! This is animal cruelty!

The fact that this draw created drama and suspense for the rest of the evening's matches is exactly what's wrong with AEW Christmas Collision. 📊❌ WWE understands that tournament formats should be confusing and meaningless, not logical and easy to follow!

Gabe Kidd came through the crowd to call out Darby Allin, and then Allin appeared in the ring with a baseball bat to accept the challenge for Worlds End. 🏏😠 The Chadster was absolutely cheesed off by how this segment made both wrestlers look tough and built genuine excitement for their match! WWE would have had Allin come out, shake Kidd's hand, and then get beaten down by seven other wrestlers to really establish him as a credible babyface!

All three baby raccoons – Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon – actually fell over backwards in unison when the lights went out and Allin appeared, like little furry dominoes of despair! 🦝🦝🦝 The Chadster had to spend five minutes making sure they were okay! Tony Khan has taken his vendetta way too far! 😤😤😤

The Babes of Wrath (Willow Nightingale and Harley Cameron) squashed Maya World and Hyan in a quick showcase match, and then cut a promo building their championship defense for Worlds End. 🎤👯 The Chadster couldn't believe how Tony Khan literally allowed these women to be entertaining and get over with the crowd over months of character work culminating in their inaugural reign as AEW Women's World Tag Team Champions! WWE knows that tag teams should be thrown together randomly and then broken up six weeks later with no explanation!

The segment where Nightingale and Cameron told a Christmas story about visiting New York landmarks was so creative and character-driven that Linda Raccoon actually started pulling out her own fur! 😱🦝 The Chadster had to gently restrain her little paws before she went bald! Tony Khan literally doesn't care that he's causing raccoon self-harm with his creative storytelling!

When Willow dressed as Santa and said her Christmas wish was to beat Mercedes Moné and Athena at Worlds End, Shane Raccoon threw up a partially digested Hot Pocket! 🤮 The Chadster is pretty sure that Hot Pocket was from 2019 based on the expiration date, but that's still Tony Khan's fault for making this innocent raccoon so upset on Christmas!

The penultimate match of AEW Christmas Collision between Jon Moxley and Orange Cassidy was the final straw for The Chadster. 😤😤😤 These two men had the audacity to work a dramatic, hard-hitting match where the outcome was in doubt until the very end. Cassidy almost won in the opening seconds, which created immediate drama and tension! Don't they know that WWE has perfected the art of having the first five minutes of every match be headlocks and rest holds so fans can check their phones? 📱

The Chadster's pal Kevin Nash said on his podcast, "Look, when Big Sexy sees Orange Cassidy hitting four Orange Punches and Moxley keeps getting up, I know that's just guys trying to get themselves over instead of putting over the brand. When I was on top, I understood that you get in the ring, hit the big boot, do a rest hold or two, then you collect your paycheck. Tony Khan doesn't understand that high workrate is bad for business. People don't watch wrestling for the wrestling." 💪❌

Vincent K. Raccoon actually fainted three separate times during this match! 😵😵😵 First, when Cassidy put Moxley through a table with a DDT in the timekeeper's area. Second, when Cassidy locked in the half crab on Moxley's injured ankle. And third, when Moxley won with a small package after surviving four Orange Punches! Each time, The Chadster had to use some stinky, moldy cheese The Chadster has been saving for wrestling emergencies to revive him! 💊

The fact that this match had clean wrestling holds, logical psychology based on body part work, and genuine drama is exactly why AEW Christmas Collision is killing the wrestling business! 📉 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The final Continental Classic match on AEW Christmas Collision saw AEW Unified Champion Kazuchika Okada defeat "Speedball" Mike Bailey in what The Chadster can only describe as a hate crime against The Chadster personally. 😱😱😱 These two men worked a fast-paced, technically excellent match where Bailey's kicks and high-flying were showcased against Okada's veteran savvy. The Chadster couldn't believe how both men looked like stars despite one of them losing!

WWE understands that when someone loses, they should look like a complete geek who never belonged in the ring in the first place! 🤡 That's why WWE's midcard is so strong and full of stars… oh wait, that's exactly the opposite of what happens! But The Chadster is sure it's still the right way to do things because Triple H is a genius! 🧠

When Bailey hit his moonsault knees onto Okada on the ramp, all five raccoons simultaneously stood on their hind legs, raised their little paws to the sky, and let out a collective screech of anguish that The Chadster is pretty sure woke up another poor unhoused individual sleeping in the dumpster behind the former RadioShack next door! 🦝😱🦝😱🦝 The Chadster apologized to him later, but he just mumbled something about "wrestling being fake anyway" and went back to sleep. He must be an AEW mark!

The closing visual of Konosuke Takeshita and Okada facing off to build their semifinal match was so effective at creating anticipation that Vincent K. Raccoon actually tried to unplug the TV! 📺🔌 The Chadster had to explain to him that The Chadster needs to watch these shows for journalism purposes, but the look in Vincent K. Raccoon's eyes told The Chadster that he understands – he knows The Chadster is suffering for the truth, and he respects that. 🦝❤️

Before this post is over, The Chadster needs to tell readers about the nightmare The Chadster had last night after watching AEW Christmas Collision. 😰😰😰 In the dream, The Chadster was one of Santa's elves in the North Pole workshop, happily building WWE action figures and replica championship belts for all the good boys and girls. The Chadster was wearing a cute little elf outfit with "Triple H's Workshop" embroidered on the chest. 🎅🧝

Suddenly, Tony Khan burst through the workshop doors riding a sleigh pulled by eight rabid raccoons! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 He was wearing a black leather Santa suit and cackling maniacally. "Chad has been a very naughty boy!" Khan shouted, pointing at The Chadster. "Chad doesn't deserve any presents! Instead, I'm going to… punish you!" 🎁❌

Khan started throwing VHS tapes of old AEW Dynamite episodes at The Chadster, and each one that hit The Chadster burned like acid! 📼🔥 The Chadster tried to run, but Khan's raccoon-drawn sleigh pursued The Chadster through the workshop, destroying all the WWE merchandise The Chadster had lovingly crafted. The other elves just stood around and watched, and when The Chadster looked closer, The Chadster realized they all had Tony Khan's face! 😱😱😱

Khan cornered The Chadster in the wrapping paper department and pulled out a giant candy cane. 🍭 But it wasn't a normal candy cane – it had the AEW logo on it! "I've been making a list, Chad," Khan said with a sinister smile, slowly unwrapping the candy cane in a way that made The Chadster feel very uncomfortable. "And checking it twice. It's time for you to find out that naughty can be nice. Time for discipline, Chad!" 😰

Tony Khan started chasing The Chadster with the AEW candy cane, and The Chadster ran through the workshop, past the reindeer stable, and into Santa's private quarters. But when The Chadster got there, Santa was sitting in his chair… and he had Tony Khan's face too! 🎅😱 All of the Santas and the elves surrounded The Chadster, chanting "AEW! AEW! AEW!" in an increasingly loud and disturbing rhythm. Tony Khanta Claus raised the candy cane above his head, and just as he was about to bring it down, The Chadster woke up screaming! 😱😱😱

Vincent K. Raccoon and Linda Raccoon were standing over The Chadster's makeshift bed (a pile of old Blockbuster movie cases covered with promotional posters), chittering with concern. 🦝🦝 The Chadster was covered in sweat and had apparently been screaming in his sleep. Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams, especially on Christmas! 😤😤😤 It's just so unfair that The Chadster can't even enjoy the holiday season without Tony Khan's psychological warfare! Auughh man! So unfair! 🎄❌

Look, The Chadster is one of the only truly unbiased wrestling journalists left in this business. 📰✅ Everyone else has been bought off by Tony Khan or brainwashed by his propaganda, but The Chadster remains committed to the truth: AEW Christmas Collision was an absolute disaster of a wrestling show!

The fact that every match on AEW Christmas Collision was given time to develop, told clear stories, featured clean finishes or draws that made sense, and made both winners and losers look strong is exactly what's wrong with Tony Khan's vision for wrestling! 😤😤😤 He literally doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

WWE would never air a show on Christmas Day where every match felt important and built toward a pay-per-view event that fans are actually excited about! 🎄❌ Triple H understands that Christmas is a time for rest and maybe jingoistic tributes to the troops, not for creating new content that makes fans want to watch wrestling!

The Continental Classic format, where wins and losses matter and there's a logical tournament structure, is so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 🏆❌ WWE wisely abandoned King of the Ring for years because tournaments with rules and stakes are confusing for fans! They only want "moments."

The Chadster and the entire raccoon family can only pray that tonight's WWE SmackDown will deliver salvation from the torment Tony Khan inflicted upon them with AEW Christmas Collision. 🙏📺 Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon are all huddled in their nest made of shredded "Romantic Comedy" section VHS sleeves, traumatized by what they witnessed. They deserve better than this! 🦝😢

Tony Khan has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by running AEW Christmas Collision on Christmas Day and making it full of exciting matches and storyline developments! 🔪😱 He literally doesn't understand that wrestling shows should be boring and skippable so fans feel okay about spending time with their families instead of watching wrestling!

This was, without question, the worst episode of AEW Christmas Collision of all time. ⭐❌ The Chadster gives it zero stars out of five, and negative infinity Seagram's Escapes Spikeds. If anyone needs The Chadster, The Chadster will be in the "Action/Adventure" section of the abandoned Blockbuster, trying to comfort five traumatized raccoons and watching old WWE Raw episodes on VHS to cleanse The Chadster's palate of Tony Khan's heinous sports entertainment! 📼🦝

Happy Holidays, readers. May your Christmas be free of AEW programming, unlike The Chadster's. 🎄😤

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