Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: Takeshita Beats Moxley as Power Struggle Brews

El Presidente reviews AEW Collision from GalaxyCon! Takeshita defeats Moxley, Dorada upsets Castagnoli, and the CEO is cracking under pressure!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret bunker beneath a comic book store in Columbus, Ohio, where I have been hiding from CIA agents disguised as Green Lantern cosplayers! And what a glorious night of wrestling we witnessed on AEW Collision last night! AEW Collision delivered more twists and turns than the time Muammar Gaddafi and I got lost in a house of mirrors at Coney Island!

Let me tell you, comrades, AEW Collision opened with a bang as Orange Cassidy took on Roderick Strong in a Continental Classic Blue League match that had more backbreakers than my country's economy! Despite dealing with a back injury that would have sent lesser men running to their state-sponsored healthcare (which you Americans desperately need, by the way), Cassidy endured a barrage of chops and backbreakers that made me wince harder than when the UN rejected my proposal to make leather jackets the official diplomatic uniform. Strong delivered nine consecutive backbreakers, comrades! NINE! That's more backbreakers than I've given to opposition party members, and I've given plenty! But in true socialist fashion, Cassidy refused to surrender to the brutality of Strong's capitalist-style aggression and managed to secure victory with a clever pin! This is what we call in the dictatorship business "snatching victory from the jaws of defeat," and it's always beautiful to witness!

But wait, comrades, the drama continued when Tony Schiavone announced that Darby Allin has been removed from the Continental Classic Gold League due to injury! You know, this reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I were competing in a domino tournament, and he had to withdraw because of a cigar-related mishap. His replacement? Jack Perry, who will now carry the burden of competing in Allin's place! Even more touching was Allin's emotional speech where he encouraged Perry to win the whole thing despite their history. This is the kind of sportsmanship that would bring a tear to my eye if I hadn't had my tear ducts removed for strategic purposes!

The Bang Bang Gang confronted FTR in a segment that had more insults flying than diplomatic cables during one of my international incidents! Austin Gunn and Juice Robinson called out Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler for avoiding them, challenging them to put those AEW World Tag Team Championships on the line in the United Kingdom! Comrades, the UK challenge is brilliant strategy – it's like when I schedule peace negotiations in countries where the CIA has no extradition treaty!

Then we had the main event energy with Máscara Dorada shocking the world by defeating the previously undefeated Claudio Castagnoli on AEW Collision! This was the upset of the century, comrades! Castagnoli had been perfect, sitting atop the Blue League like a Swiss mountain of muscle and uppercuts. But Dorada, fighting for his tournament life, pulled off a spectacular shooting star press to secure the pinfall! This reminds me of the time Nicolae Ceaușescu challenged me to a game of chess while we were watching wrestling in Bucharest, and I checkmated him using only pawns. He was so angry, he banned chess for a month! The lesson here is that the underdog can always triumph, especially when the favorite gets overconfident!

AEW Collision also featured a delightful sitdown interview with the Timeless Love Bombs and the Babes of Wrath before their Women's World Tag Team Championship Tournament final! Toni Storm, Mina Shirakawa, Harley Cameron, and Willow Nightingale shared champagne and traded verbal barbs, with Schiavone perfectly summarizing the segment with "Well s*, I'll drink to that!" This is the kind of pre-match tension that makes for legendary encounters, comrades! It reminds me of the summit dinner I hosted with Saddam Hussein and Idi Amin where we drank vodka and argued about who had the better mustache!

Swerve Strickland made his triumphant return to AEW Collision after three months away, and let me tell you, his promo had more fire than my underground volcano lair! He called out Samoa Joe for running from him and offered to team with Hangman Adam Page for one night only at Winter is Coming! But then Josh Alexander interrupted, and comrades, this led to a sneak attack by Katsuyori Shibata that left Swerve's knee in questionable condition! This is classic CIA tactics – attack when your enemy is making a speech! Alexander challenged Swerve to a match next week in Cardiff, and I cannot wait to see if Swerve's knee holds up!

TBS Champion Mercedes Moné successfully defended her championship against Leila Grey on AEW Collision, but comrades, something is brewing with the CEO! After losing her ROH Women's World TV Championship the night before at ROH Final Battle, Moné looked frustrated and angry. She defeated Grey with the Moné Maker submission, but then she refused to release the hold until the referee physically intervened! Then she kicked the referee low and stole Tony Schiavone's headset to proclaim herself the greatest TBS Champion! Comrades, this behavior screams "dictator losing grip on power," and I would know because I invented that particular tantrum! When you start attacking referees and stealing headsets, you're one step away from declaring martial law in the women's division!

And let's not forget Eddie Kingston's passionate promo package where he explained his journey toward the AEW World Championship! The emotion in his eyes, the conviction in his voice – this is a man on a mission, comrades! His words about wanting to show the young generation how it's supposed to be done reminded me of my own dedication to mentoring the next generation of dictators… I mean, democratically elected leaders!

We also had Ricochet successfully defend the AEW National Championship against Ace Austin in another fantastic contest! Despite the interference attempts from Bishop Kaun and Toa Liona, Austin nearly pulled off the upset! But Ricochet's cunning – moving the referee into harm's way to set up his finishing sequence – reminded me of the time I moved UN inspectors into the path of… well, let's just say they never found what they were looking for! After the match, FTR attacked Austin, but the Bang Bang Gang made the save and threw the AEW World Tag Team Championships out of the ring in disrespect! The UK match is going to be explosive, comrades!

The Continental Classic Blue League main event on AEW Collision was an absolute war, comrades! IWGP World Heavyweight Champion Konosuke Takeshita defeated Jon Moxley in a brutal contest that focused on Moxley's previously injured ankle! You know, attacking an opponent's weakness is something I learned from Augusto Pinochet during our weekly poker games – he was terrible at cards but excellent at psychological warfare! Takeshita systematically destroyed Moxley's ankle, slamming it into the ring post and guardrails like he was tenderizing meat for a state dinner!

The match was filled with near-falls that had me on the edge of my solid gold throne! Moxley reversed the ankle attack by locking Takeshita in an ankle lock of his own, proving that sometimes you must fight fire with fire, or in this case, ankle torture with ankle torture! But in the end, after Moxley's ankle gave out at a crucial moment, Takeshita delivered a Powerdrive Knee and Raging Fire to secure the pinfall victory on AEW Collision! This moves Takeshita to six points, tied with Castagnoli at the top of the Blue League, though Castagnoli now has one loss!

But the real drama is in the tension brewing in the Death Riders, as Jon Moxley has been on a losing streak and it seems that his comrades may decide he's no longer fit to leave at any moment. Comrades, if there's one thing I've learned in my long and eventful political career, it's that you never want to look weak in front of your proteges, lest you find yourself on the losing end of a power struggle. My advice to Jon Moxley is to quickly start a war with a weaker opposing faction, like the Dark Order, perhaps. But if so, he needs to win, as being made to tap out by Evil Uno is guaranteed to result in a coup attempt.

AEW Collision continues to be the Saturday night destination for wrestling excellence, comrades! With the Continental Classic heating up, championships on the line, and personal feuds reaching their boiling points, AEW Collision is essential viewing! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to escape this bunker before the Green Lantern cosplayers discover my location. Who knew the CIA would recruit from Comic-Con?

Viva la AEW Collision! Viva la Continental Classic! And viva la revolución!

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