Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: The Not-So-Calm Before the Revolution Storm

El Presidente reviews AEW Collision's final stop before Revolution! Statlander takes a beating, Andrade vs. Dorada delivers, and chaos erupts! Viva!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden jacuzzi filled with confiscated CIA surveillance equipment, and I have just witnessed the glorious spectacle that was last night's AEW Collision! This final stop before AEW Revolution was like the calm before the storm, except the calm was actually a hurricane of dropkicks and the storm will be a Category 5 wrestling extravaganza!

AEW Collision opened with Kevin Knight defeating El Clon in a match that reminded me of the time I had to escape from a CIA agent who could perfectly disguise himself as anyone. Just like Knight had to figure out Clon's unpredictable offense, I had to determine which of my cabinet members was actually the spy! I eventually solved it by having everyone eat my chef's extremely spicy empanadas – the CIA agent was the only one who sweated profusely because Americans cannot handle proper seasoning! Knight showed similar resourcefulness, surviving Clon's innovative offense including that spectacular moonsault from the apron to the floor. The Jet eventually soared to victory with a UFO Splash, proving he is ready for the AEW World Trios Championship match at Revolution tomorrow night!

Next, Mark Davis of the Don Callis Family faced Komander in a classic battle of power versus speed. Comrades, watching Davis throw around Komander was like watching Muammar Gaddafi and I play basketball in 2009. Gaddafi kept insisting he could dunk despite being significantly older than me, and I kept telling him to stick to layups. Eventually, he tried anyway and I had to catch him before he injured himself. The difference is that Komander actually had success with his high-flying attacks, including that breathtaking moonsault to the floor! But in the end, size and power prevailed, just like how my superior athletic prowess prevailed over Gaddafi's delusions. Davis hit Close Your Eyes and Count to Nothing for the victory, sending a message before defending those trios titles tomorrow.

The promotional segments for the 21-Man Blackjack Battle Royale were magnificent, comrades! Hearing from Rocky Romero, Trent Beretta, RUSH, Dralístico, Daniel Garcia, Anthony Bowens, HOOK, Katsuyori Shibata, and Tommaso Ciampa was like listening to various world leaders explain their strategies at a United Nations summit, except with more explicit threats of violence and less diplomatic immunity! I particularly enjoyed Bowens claiming he would help HOOK and Shibata win, which is the same thing my former Minister of Finance said before he embezzled 47 million dollars and fled to Paraguay!

Then we had Thekla teaming with Skye Blue and Julia Hart to squash their opponents faster than I squash coup attempts! But the real story came afterward when Kris Statlander arrived to confront the AEW Women's World Champion. Comrades, what happened next was absolutely extraordinary! Statlander took off her jacket, turned her back, and INVITED Thekla to whip her with the championship belt! This reminds me of the time Saddam Hussein challenged me to a contest of who could withstand the most bee stings. I accepted seventeen stings before Saddam admitted defeat at twelve. The lesson? Never show weakness to your enemies! Statlander absorbed punishment that would hospitalize a normal person, standing up each time to demand more, before delivering the ultimate message: "BE AFRAID OF WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO KEEP ME DOWN!" Magnifico! This is the spirit of the revolutionary, comrades!

The trios match between The Demand and the Bang Bang Gang was a strategic masterpiece! Ricochet, Toa Liona, and Bishop Kaun worked together like a well-oiled authoritarian regime, isolating Ace Austin from his partners Austin Gunn and Juice Robinson the same way I isolate dissidents from their supporters before re-education! The Bang Bang Gang showed tremendous heart, much like the rebellious citizens I occasionally have to deal with, but in the end, The Demand's ruthless tactics prevailed. Ricochet finished things with a Spirit Gun to Gunn's head, then hit Ace with the championship belt afterward! This post-match attack was completely unnecessary but sent a message, which I respect. It is like when I arrest someone for jaywalking and then also charge them with treason – excessive, but effective!

Lena Kross demolished Mina Shirakawa in impressive fashion before her double-duty weekend at Revolution! Watching Kross dominate reminded me of the time I had to attend three different state functions in one day – a morning military parade, an afternoon ribbon-cutting ceremony for a statue of myself, and an evening gala where I had to dance with the visiting French ambassador's wife. I succeeded at all three, though I will admit the French ambassador was not pleased with how much his wife enjoyed our tango. Kross showed that same stamina and determination, absorbing everything Shirakawa could offer before hitting a devastating jackhammer for victory. With Megan Bayne at her side as MegaKross, they are ready to dominate!

But comrades, the main event of AEW Collision was truly spectacular! Andrade El Ídolo versus Máscara Dorada was a lucha libre classic that had me standing on my jacuzzi's edge in excitement! The back-and-forth action was like a chess match, except with more hurricanranas and less boring strategic contemplation. Dorada showed incredible heart and innovation, hitting moves that defied physics, but Andrade's experience and cunning prevailed. That hammerlock DDT on the turnbuckle connectors made me wince, and I once survived an assassination attempt involving a scorpion in my breakfast cereal! Andrade finally secured victory with The DM, proving he is ready for Bandido and the ROH World Championship tomorrow night!

The post-match chaos was absolutely delicious, comrades! RPG Vice attacked Bandido on the ramp, then Brody King made the save, then Swerve Strickland attacked King because they have their own Revolution match tomorrow! It was chaos worthy of one of my cabinet meetings after I announce surprise budget cuts! The image of Andrade standing in the crowd, hands raised while Bandido fought off RPG Vice, was perfect villain behavior. I should know – I invented that move when watching my political opponents struggle with legislation I sabotaged!

Comrades, AEW Collision delivered exactly what was needed heading into Revolution – final statements, heated confrontations, and wrestling excellence! Every match and segment built anticipation for tomorrow's pay-per-view spectacular!

Make sure to check back with Bleeding Cool tonight for live coverage of AEW Revolution, which airs at 8 PM Eastern Time/7 PM Central on HBO Max, Amazon Prime, and PPV from a sold-out Crypto.com Arena in Los Angeles! The AEW Zero Hour pre-show begins at 7 PM Eastern/6 PM Central! I will be watching from my presidential bunker while my security team sweeps for listening devices, which the CIA keeps hiding in my championship replica belts!

¡Viva la revolución (both regular and AEW)! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva AEW Collision!

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