Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: Tony Khan's Subliminal Message Scheme Exposed

Tony Khan's latest episode of AEW Collision continues to disrespect the wrestling business while personally tormenting The Chadster! 😤 💔

The Chadster literally cannot believe what The Chadster was forced to witness on AEW Collision last night. 😤 Tony Khan is clearly booking these shows specifically to cheese The Chadster off, and The Chadster knows this because The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan after watching the show, which is clearly a result of subliminal messages hidden in the broadcast to torment The Chadster. 😱 💔

In the nightmare, Tony Khan was chasing The Chadster through an abandoned White Claw factory, wearing nothing but a referee shirt and knocking over pallets of The Chadster's favorite beverage and cackling maniacally. 😨 The Chadster tried to escape in The Chadster's Mazda Miata, but Tony Khan had filled the engine with indie wrestling move sequences that completely violated the fundamentals of the business, as well as the laws of physics! 🚗 "This is for the sickos, Chad," Tony Khan whispered in The Chadster's ear, which was absolutely terrifying. 😰 When The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, murmuring, "No, Tony Khan, leave The Chadster's White Claw alone," Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. Tony Khan has literally ruined The Chadster's marriage! 😭 💔

Speaking of ruining things, let's talk about what happened on AEW Collision. 😠 The show opened with Beast Mortos vs Hologram in a match that was just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤 They were doing all these flips and dives when everyone knows that a proper wrestling match should start with a collar-and-elbow tie-up and at least 5 minutes of headlocks. Hologram won with a roll-up that Tony Khan probably thought was really clever, but The Chadster knows better. 🙄 🤦‍♂️

Next up, Queen Aminata faced Julia Hart in a match that had The Chadster throwing a White Claw seltzer at the TV in frustration. 🍺 The way they were trading moves back and forth without one person controlling the pace for at least 10 minutes straight – it's like they don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. Julia Hart won with some kind of octopus hold that literally stabbed Triple H right in the back. 🗡️ 😠

Gabe Kidd vs The Butcher was next and auughh man! So unfair! 😤 They just brawled around like a couple of indie wrestlers instead of telling a proper story like WWE always does. The Chadster tried to explain to Keighleyanne why this was so wrong, but she just put in her AirPods and started watching TikTok videos that guy Gary sent her about leaving your husband. Tony Khan has gotten to her too! 😭 💔

The six-man tag team match with the Death Riders against Daniel Garcia's team was exactly what you'd expect from Tony Khan's idea of wrestling – just a bunch of moves with no psychology. 🤮 The Chadster knows that respected wrestling journalist Bully Ray said it best on Busted Open Radio last week when he stated, "AEW's idea of a six-man tag is like trying to eat soup with a fork – it just doesn't work, brother." And Bully Ray would know! 🍜 💯

Max Caster lost to Brody King in what The Chadster can only describe as a complete travesty. 😤 The match was way too short, which is not how WWE would do it. As Kevin Nash always says, "A real wrestling match should be long enough for me to microwave and eat a whole Lean Cuisine." Such wise words that AEW completely ignores! 🤦‍♂️ 🍝

The Murder Machines squash match against local talent was just Tony Khan trying to copy WWE's strategy of building up new talent, but doing it completely wrong. 😤 First of all, Brian Cage and Lance Archer carried their opponents to the ring already knocked out, which is so disrespectful to the business. 🙄 Then they did this ridiculous power move combination finish that was clearly just trying to get themselves over instead of telling a proper story. And don't even get The Chadster started on that promo challenging the Hurt Syndicate – just because you're big and scary doesn't mean you deserve a title shot! That's not how WWE would do it at all! 😠 🏆

And don't even get The Chadster started on the main event between Chris Jericho and Bandido. 😤 The way they kept trading moves and near-falls instead of having one person dominate for 15 minutes – it's like they're trying to purposely upset The Chadster. 😢

The Chadster watched all this while drinking White Claws to dull the pain of experiencing wrestling that's not done the WWE way, and The Chadster just can't understand why Tony Khan insists on booking wrestling this way. 🚗 🎵 It's like he's personally targeting The Chadster with these shows.

And speaking of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster, just yesterday, The Chadster was in the grocery store picking up some much-needed White Claw. 🍺 As The Chadster perused the aisle, The Chadster caught a glimpse of someone familiar out of the corner of The Chadster's eye, lurking near the cereal section. 😨 It was unmistakably Tony Khan – wearing a ridiculous disguise of oversized sunglasses and a floppy hat. 😎🙈 The Chadster tried to play it cool and continued down the aisle, but every time The Chadster turned a corner, there he was again! 🏃‍♂️💨

At one point, The Chadster even heard him giggling as he knocked over a display of chips, causing a mini-avalanche of snack bags. 😲 The Chadster confronted the mess, head on, only to find Tony Khan had vanished, leaving an air of mocking laughter in his wake. 😤 Finally, as The Chadster approached the checkout line, Tony Khan appeared right in front of the frozen pizzas, winked, and whispered, "Enjoy your White Claws, Chad." Then, he darted away just as the cashier turned to scan The Chadster's groceries! 🤯

The grocery store incident left The Chadster utterly bewildered and determined that Tony Khan's relentless pranking has gone too far. Tony Khan, it's time to focus on running a wrestling promotion and leave The Chadster alone! 😱 🛒

Anyway, that's The Chadster's completely unbiased review of AEW Collision. 📝 The Chadster needs to go try to convince Keighleyanne to stop texting that guy Gary and watch some classic WWE matches instead. Maybe that will help her understand why AEW is ruining the wrestling business! 💔 📱 😤 😭

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