Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision: Revolutionary Wrestling and Suspicious Storytelling

El Presidente reviews AEW Collision from his bunker, where MJF ruins his own honeymoon, evil clones appear, and the CIA definitely isn't watching wrestling!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live on last night's AEW Collision from my underground bunker beneath a bootleg Taco Bell in Caracas, where I am currently plotting my next revolutionary move against the ever-sneaky American CIA! But even matters of international espionage and indigestion cannot keep me from bringing you the hottest wrestling coverage this side of the Panama Canal!

Last night's AEW Collision from Philadelphia's legendary 2300 Arena was more action-packed than the time Fidel Castro and I got into a backstage brawl at a Backstreet Boys concert in 1999! Let me tell you, comrades, that building has seen more violence than my last cabinet meeting!

The night kicked off with Jon Moxley defeating Daniel Garcia in a match so intense, it reminded me of my weekly arm-wrestling contests with the CIA operatives who try to infiltrate my compound. Garcia fought with the heart of a true revolutionary, but Moxley prevailed like a capitalist pig crushing the dreams of the working class!

Later, Moxley issued a chilling warning to Darby Allin, promising to "put him in the ground" at All Out. This is exactly what I told the CIA when they tried to replace my state-sponsored telenovelas with American reality TV shows!

Drama ensued when Big Bill called out Eddie Kingston! This is like when Hugo Chávez used to call me out for eating too much at state dinners. Where is Kingston hiding? Perhaps he's joined me in my underground network of tunnels beneath various wrestling arenas across North America! Having this segment take place backstage does seem like a missed opportunity to not get the Eddie Kingston lookalike who's been seated behind the commentary table throughout the Philly residency involved somehow, but there's always next week.

FTR continued their winning ways by defeating Adam Priest and Tommy Billington, proving once again that tag team wrestling is like socialism – it works better when everyone cooperates! Speaking of cooperation, The Outrunners formed an alliance with Dalton Castle and his boys, proving that in wrestling, as in international politics, the strangest bedfellows make the best entertainment! This reminds me of the time I formed an alliance with North Korea's synchronized swimming team to defeat the CIA's underwater surveillance unit.

The women's division exploded like one of my failed attempts at making homemade fireworks in a massive all-star 8-woman tag match! Toni Storm's team, consisting of Storm, Mina Shirakawa, Kris Statlander, and Harley Cameron fell to the Triangle of Madness (Thekla, Julia Hart, and Skye Blue) and Megan Bayne, but Jamie Hayter made the save from a post-match beatdown, inspiring Storm to put the AEW Championship on the line in a 4-way title match at All Out against Thekla, Statlander, and Hayter. I once used a similar trick to rig an election, resulting in all three of my opponents having each other assassinated, or at least that's what I told those investigators from the International Criminal Court.

The Bang Bang Gang segment brought tears to my revolutionary eyes when Juice Robinson and Austin Gunn decided to fire the cardboard cutouts of Colten Gunn and Jay White. This is a terrible mistake, comrades! Several of my high-ranking cabinet positions are filled with cardboard cutouts, who tend to last longer than live people due to their inability to disagree with my decisions. My Minister of Agriculture has been a cardboard cutout of Danny DeVito for six years, and crop yields have never been better!

Mercedes Moné issued a challenge to Riho and Alex Windsor for a tag match against herself and Emi Sakura on Dynamite, to be followed by a TBS Championship defense against Riho at All Out. I fear that holding nine championship belts may be starting to go to Moné's head – just last week, she attempted to challenge me for my 1987 Dictator's Bowling League tournament trophy! I won that fair and square by lacing Manuel Noriega's chili fries with a powerful laxative that forced him to forfeit the finals. The screams from the bathroom stall still haunt my dreams, but victory is victory!

Then came the moment that made my revolutionary heart skip a beat! TNT Champion Kyle Fletcher of the Don Callis Family threw down the gauntlet to "Hangman" Adam Page for the Men's World Championship at All Out. Fletcher's confidence reminds me of the time I challenged Vladimir Putin to a shirtless horseback riding contest. I lost, but at least I kept my shirt on!

Most concerning of everything that happened on AEW Collision last night was the mysterious appearance of what appears to be a red, evil clone of Hologram! Comrades, I am deeply worried that Tony Khan may have somehow obtained information about the top secret project my country has been working on based on classified information encoded in 1990s Spider-Man comics by the CIA. How else would he know about out experiements in Proyecto: Luchadores Clonados? I must increase security around my comic book vault immediately!

Kyle O'Reilly tried to calm tensions between Roderick Strong and Tomohiro Ishii, claiming all is well in "Conglomalamaland" – a place that sounds suspiciously like one of my "secret" island bases that serve as decoys for the real secret bases buried underneath them! Don't tell the CIA.

Jerry Lynn also appeared, popping the crowed in the old ECW Arena, to give advice to Anthony Bowens about finding himself, which reminds me of the time Kim Jong-un asked me for advice about his haircut. I told him to keep it, as it makes him easier to spot from my satellite surveillance system.

But the main event, oh the main event! Mark Briscoe versus Konosuke Takeshita was going splendidly until MJF – who apparently decided that revolution waits for no honeymoon – showed up to cost Briscoe the match! This is worse than the time the CIA interrupted my birthday party by replacing my piñata with a surveillance drone!

MJF's interference led to him challenging Briscoe for All Out, with the stipulation to be revealed by Briscoe later. I suggest they wrestle in a "Loser Becomes a CIA Informant" match! The drama was thicker than my secret recipe for empanadas that I refuse to share with Gordon Ramsay, despite his repeated attempts to infiltrate my kitchen!

Comrades, AEW Collision continues to deliver the kind of entertainment that almost makes me forget about my ongoing conflicts with American intelligence agencies, which, now that I think about it, makes me suspicious that the entire company may be another of the CIA's psy-ops. Though I must say, interrupting one's honeymoon for wrestling vengeance? That's dedication that even my most loyal revolutionaries could learn from!

Until next time, remember: in wrestling, as in socialist revolution, timing is everything! Viva la lucha libre!

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