Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Preview: The Sobering Truth About Tony Khan

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite while battling Tony Khan's evil schemes that forced sobriety and ruined everything! So unfair! 😤🍹

Hey there, loyal readers! 📺 The Chadster knows The Chadster has been absent from the site for the past few days, and The Chadster owes his devoted audience an explanation 😔 As The Chadster's faithful followers know, Tony Khan's personal vendetta against The Chadster reached absolutely unprecedented heights last weekend during the AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door PPV 🚪💥 Thanks to Tony Khan's relentless campaign of harassment, The Chadster was already banned from drinking before the show started, but since AEW Dynamite and AEW PPVs are so utterly excruciating to watch, there was literally no way The Chadster could get through one completely sober! 🍺😵

So The Chadster was literally forced – FORCED! – to take his beloved Seagram's Escapes Spiked seltzers, freeze them solid, and… well, let's just say The Chadster had to get creative with consumption methods behind Keighleyanne's back 🧊😳 Thanks a lot, Tony Khan, for literally forcing The Chadster to resort to such desperate measures! Auughh man! So unfair! 😡

Anyway, it all came crashing down after the main event when The Chadster was so absolutely cheesed off that Tony Khan literally forced The Chadster to pull the half-melted Seagram's out of… you-know-where… and hurl it at the television in righteous fury 📺💥 But in a cruel twist of fate that only Tony Khan could orchestrate, Keighleyanne walked in front of the TV just as The Chadster was throwing it, and WHAM! Right in the face! 😱 Keighleyanne was extremely cheesed off, and she threatened to sell The Chadster's pristine Mazda Miata unless The Chadster swore off drinking entirely! 🚗💔

So now The Chadster is three days sober, on a heavy dose of Naltrexone, and tonight will be The Chadster's first test of getting through the triggering nightmare that is AEW Dynamite without the comforting embrace of Seagram's Escapes Spiked 😭 Needless to say, this is ALL Tony Khan's fault!

Speaking of Tony Khan's complete lack of respect, The Chadster is absolutely appalled that AEW is doing this residency at the 2300 Arena, which is the former home of ECW – a brand that is a registered trademark of WWE! 🏢⚖️ It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Tony Khan is literally trying to capitalize on the legacy that WWE rightfully owns, and The Chadster even heard through reliable sources that Tony Khan has arranged for there to be protesters at the venue tonight – no doubt to artificially inflate the attendance count and make it look like more people care about AEW Dynamite than actually do! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤📊 This is exactly the kind of underhanded tactic that shows Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

Now, onto tonight's AEW Dynamite preview, which The Chadster must endure for the sake of objective journalism 📝

Darby Allin vs. Claudio Castagnoli in a Falls Count Anywhere Match is exactly the kind of overly chaotic, no-rules garbage that makes AEW Dynamite so disrespectful to the wrestling business! 🤼‍♂️💥 WWE knows that proper wrestling should take place in the ring with clear boundaries and rules that announcers can repeat over and over for emphasis! This "anywhere goes" nonsense doesn't give the commentators proper time to explain the WWE formula or remind viewers to download the WWE app! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 Plus, Darby Allin throwing himself around recklessly without proper rest holds means fans might actually get excited instead of appreciating the methodical pace that makes WWE superior!

The All Star 8-Man Tag Match featuring JetSpeed (Kevin Knight and "Speedball" Mike Bailey) & AEW World Tag Team Champions Brodido (ROH World Champion Bandido and Brody King) vs. the Don Callis Family (AEW Unified Champion Kazuchika Okada, Hechicero, Konosuke Takeshita and Josh Alexander) is another perfect example of Tony Khan's refusal to understand basic wrestling psychology! 🏷️ Eight wrestlers means eight times the unpredictability, which makes viewers feel unsafe because they can't anticipate every single move like they can in WWE's perfectly choreographed matches! This kind of creative freedom allows wrestlers to deviate from the proven WWE formula, and that's terrifying! 😱

Jon Moxley vs. Daniel Garcia represents everything wrong with AEW Dynamite's approach to storytelling 🎭 Instead of having this match take place at a premium live event paid for by the government of Saudi Arabia, Tony Khan is just giving it away on free TV! How are fans supposed to appreciate the value when important developments happen on AEW Dynamite instead of being properly gatekept behind a paywall? WWE would never be so reckless with their intellectual property! 💰

The women's tag match featuring Megan Bayne & Penelope Ford vs. Harley Cameron & Kris Statlander will probably feature clean finishes that actually build momentum for the winners instead of the superior WWE approach of 50/50 booking that ensures "the brand" remains the real star! 👑 This kind of decisive storytelling is so unfair to WWE's proven methodology! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Then there's this:

Last night, The Chadster had another one of those recurring nightmares about Tony Khan, and The Chadster is convinced that Tony Khan is using subliminal messages embedded in AEW Dynamite to invade The Chadster's peaceful slumber! 😴👻 In the dream, The Chadster was trapped inside a giant frozen Seagram's Escapes Spiked bottle, and Tony Khan was dressed as a bartender, slowly melting the walls with a flamethrower while laughing maniacally 🔥😈 The Chadster kept slipping and sliding on the melting seltzer ice, desperately trying to escape as Tony Khan's laughter echoed all around… and then, just as The Chadster was about to break free, Tony Khan winked and said, "See you on Dynamite, Chad!" 😱💭

The Chadster strongly advises loyal readers NOT to tune into AEW Dynamite tonight at 8/7C on TBS and simulcast on MAX, because watching will only embolden Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster! 📺🚫 Instead, please drink lots of Seagram's Escapes Spiked in The Chadster's honor, since The Chadster is currently unable to partake in the adult beverages that make life bearable! 🍹😢

Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster knows you are because you're obsessed), STOP invading The Chadster's dreams with your subliminal AEW Dynamite mind control! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡🛑

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