Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: Coffin Match, Will Ospreay, Revolution Fallout

El Presidente reviews AEW Dynamite's Revolution fallout, including Darby Allin's insane Coffin Match, Will Ospreay's return, and Swerve Strickland's power play!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a repossessed yacht in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, where I am currently fleeing Fresno after a nacho vendor at the Save Mart Center assembled what I can only describe as a paramilitary operation to collect on my tab of forty-seven trays of supreme nachos! The man has drones, comrades! DRONES! But no matter—I have satellite internet and a burning desire to tell you about last night's absolutely spectacular episode of AEW Dynamite, which was so explosive, it reminded me of the time the CIA accidentally detonated their own listening device inside my hot tub!

Comrades, AEW Dynamite opened with the triumphant return of Will Ospreay against Blake Christian, and what a match it was! Ospreay, who has been recovering from double neck fusion surgery after the cowardly attack by the Death Riders, looked like he had never left! The two put on a spectacular aerial display, trading dives to the floor and high-flying offense that had the Fresno crowd absolutely losing their minds. Christian targeted Ospreay's surgically repaired neck like a true opportunist—something I can respect, as I myself once targeted a rival president's freshly transplanted hairpiece during a summit. But Ospreay fought through everything and put Christian away with the Hidden Blade for the victory!

After the match, Ospreay grabbed the microphone and told Jon Moxley that he doesn't need a weapon to snatch someone's neck because he can do it with his bare hands. Comrades, this is the kind of energy I bring to every UN summit I crash! Moxley came out with Wheeler Yuta, and Ospreay didn't even wait—he leaped into the crowd to attack! The brawl was glorious until PAC appeared from nowhere and locked Ospreay in the Brutalizer! Security pulled them apart, but Ospreay came sprinting back for more! This is the kind of revolutionary spirit that warms my dictatorial heart. I once told my good friend Fidel Castro—may he rest in power—about a similar situation where I was dragged away from a fistfight at an OPEC meeting, only to sprint back through the service entrance. Fidel laughed so hard he knocked over his entire humidor.

The Death Riders then stayed in the ring to face the Bang Bang Gang's Juice Robinson and Ace Austin, and comrades, Moxley and Yuta were as ruthless as ever. They isolated Austin for long stretches, with Moxley using a crossface with Austin's own chain in his mouth—a move so devious, even my minister of interrogation took notes. Robinson got the hot tag and the crowd was chanting "JUICE!" which is also what my citizens chant when the electricity goes out and the refrigerators start to thaw. Ultimately, Moxley put Austin away with the Death Rider after Yuta took Robinson out with a dive. The Death Riders continue to be the most dominant faction in AEW, much like how my political party continues to be the most dominant faction in my country, largely because it is the only one I allow to exist.

Next, we got a video package setting up the Coffin Match between Darby Allin and Gabe Kidd, and Kidd demanded that Allin meet him in the parking lot! Comrades, the last time someone demanded to meet me in a parking lot, it was the CIA operative who was posing as my valet, and I had to flee in a golf cart at speeds that would make Mario Andretti weep.

And then, comrades… the Coffin Match happened. And I must tell you, what I witnessed may have taken years off my already precarious life expectancy. Allin came FLYING at Kidd in a speeding car in the parking lot! Kidd dodged, and Allin jumped out to attack! Kidd powerbombed Allin onto the car, but Allin recovered, put some kind of chemical rag over Kidd's mouth, stuffed him in the trunk, and then DROVE THE CAR OFF A PILE OF RUBBLE, FLIPPING IT COMPLETELY OVER! Comrades, I have survived seventeen assassination attempts, a poisoned birthday cake, and the time my parachute didn't open during a military parade, and even I was gripping my nachos in terror watching this!

Once they finally made it to the ring—Allin wheeled the unconscious Kidd out in a road case like luggage, which is exactly how I transport my political rivals, though I call it "involuntary relocation"—the match officially began. Allin put Kidd in a straitjacket, but Kidd fought back while still wearing it, biting Allin's head wound like a feral animal. Kidd even said he was enjoying it, which is the kind of psychotic energy I normally only see at my annual dictators' poker night. Eventually, Allin cracked Kidd repeatedly with a skateboard, hit a pair of Coffin Drops, and launched himself off the ropes to knock Kidd into the coffin for the victory!

Allin then grabbed the microphone and declared he's coming for the AEW World Championship and called out MJF! Comrades, this is the kind of bold declaration I make before breakfast every morning, except mine usually involves annexing a neighboring island.

We also got to hear from Kenny Omega, who challenged Swerve Strickland to put his newly won #1 contendership on the line in a rematch. Later in the show, Swerve responded in magnificent fashion. Sitting alone in a spotlight in the middle of the ring with Prince Nana by his side, Swerve delivered a promo about power that was so captivating, I nearly forgot to check if the CIA had bugged my nachos. Swerve said he doesn't just want the rematch—he wants Omega to put his EVP status on the line! Comrades, a man who doesn't just want to beat you but wants to take your institutional power? This is a man after my own heart! I once told Hugo Chávez during a late-night karaoke session, "Hugo, it's not enough to defeat your enemies. You must also take their corner office and their parking spot." Hugo sang "My Way" by Frank Sinatra in response, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

And it was announced that Swerve vs. Omega is set for NEXT WEEK on Dynamite with the #1 contendership vs. Omega's EVP title on the line! Comrades, this is appointment television! I have already cleared my schedule, which means postponing my Tuesday evening coup rehearsal.

We also got a delightful segment with the Jurassic Express, as Jack Perry and Luchasaurus drove from Los Angeles to Fresno in their van, which is the kind of humble transportation I deeply respect, even though I personally travel by armored helicopter with a built-in espresso machine. They met up with the Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson), who were fired up to redeem themselves after their AEW Revolution loss! Luchasaurus even called Kazuchika Okada a "bitch" from the Jurassic Express, which is the kind of diplomatic language I usually reserve for my speeches at the Organization of American States.

Mike Bailey then defended the honor of the AEW World Trios Champions against Mark Davis of the Don Callis Family, and comrades, Speedball was spectacular! Davis is an absolute unit who hit Bailey with everything he had, including a devastating release suplex that made me wince, and I once watched a man get launched from a trebuchet at my medieval-themed birthday party. But Bailey's kicks are a thing of socialist beauty—equally distributed to all parts of Davis's body—and he finished with the Ultima Weapon from the top rope for the victory. During this match, it was also confirmed that Swerve vs. Omega is official for next week!

MJF then appeared via video to gloat about being the greatest AEW World Champion of all time after defeating Hangman Adam Page at Revolution. He called himself "Mr. Revolution" and said he has twenty more years of dominance ahead of him. When asked what he was going to do next, he said, "I'm going to Disney World!" Comrades, I too have tried to go to Disney World, but the American government revoked my visa after what they called "an incident" at Epcot's World Showcase. I maintain that my country deserved its own pavilion, and the scale model I erected overnight was perfectly tasteful!

Then came the No Holds Barred match, but with a twist! Toni Storm was attacked before Dynamite even started, so it was Mina Shirakawa who stepped up to face Marina Shafir instead! Comrades, Shirakawa came to the ring with a barbed wire bat and champagne, which is exactly how I arrive at diplomatic negotiations. The match was wonderfully violent—Shafir judo-tossed Shirakawa around the ring and even took some swigs of champagne mid-match, a power move I deeply respect. Shafir put both of them through a table with a backdrop suplex that looked absolutely devastating. But Shirakawa smashed a champagne bottle over Shafir's head and finished her with a Storm Zero for the victory! Champagne and violence, comrades—the two pillars upon which my regime was built!

We also learned that MJF is PAYING the Don Callis Family to handle Darby Allin, with Andrade reluctantly accepting a large silver briefcase full of money on behalf of Don Callis via video call. Comrades, paying someone else to handle your problems is the foundation of every successful dictatorship. I once paid a rival dictator's personal chef to slightly over-salt his meals for six months. The results were devastating to his blood pressure.

The main event saw Perry and the Young Bucks take on Okada, Trent Beretta, and Rocky Romero of the Don Callis Family, and it was an absolute barnburner! Okada taunted his former Elite stablemates early, but Perry and the Bucks dominated the early going with spectacular triple-team offense. The Callis Family isolated Perry for a stretch, but he eventually tagged Nick, and the Bucks went to work! The match featured dueling sharpshooters from the Bucks while Perry had Okada in the Snare Trap, which was the kind of coordinated attack that would make my military advisors weep with pride. The Callis Family nearly stole it with a triple tombstone attempt, but Perry and the Bucks escaped and unleashed a superkick party that ended with a BTE Trigger on Romero and a Perry flying knee for the pinfall!

But comrades, the real moment came after the match. The Bucks delivered a heartfelt promo about losing at Revolution in front of their families, and how their father gave them a pep talk to remind them who they are. This is very relatable to me, as my father once gave me a similar pep talk after my first failed coup attempt. "Son," he said, "you must try again, but this time, bring more tanks." Words to live by!

The Bucks declared they would claw their way back to the AEW World Tag Team Championships, and then…

YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM!

Adam Copeland walked out, followed by Christian Cage, and the crowd lost their minds! Copeland said he respects the Bucks, but he and Cage are coming for FTR's AEW World Tag Team Championships after FTR attacked his wife, Beth Copeland, who nearly needed spinal surgery! Copeland announced that Cope and Cage vs. FTR for the titles is happening on AEW Dynamite! Christian then took the mic and said the match is personal for him too—because winning the tag titles means he makes a ton of extra money. AND because they get to prove they're the best tag team of not just their generation, but the Bucks' generation too! Comrades, Christian Cage is a man who understands that money and glory go hand in hand, much like how my Swiss bank accounts and my military parades complement each other beautifully.

FTR came out with Big Stoke, who tried to talk but was immediately told to shut up by everyone, which is exactly what happens to my vice president at cabinet meetings. Dax Harwood ate a spear from Copeland, Cash Wheeler ate double superkicks from the Bucks, and Christian delivered a low blow for good measure! Cope and Cage held the tag titles high as Dynamite went off the air!

Comrades, this episode of AEW Dynamite was an absolute masterpiece from start to finish! The Revolution fallout delivered in every segment, and next week's Swerve vs. Omega match has me more excited than the time I found a secret passage in my palace that led directly to a Cinnabon. The Coffin Match was pure insanity, Ospreay's return was glorious, Swerve's power play was inspired, and the Cope and Cage reveal had even my bodyguards cheering—and they are contractually obligated to show no emotion!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must navigate this yacht toward international waters before the Fresno nacho vendor's drones catch up to me. My radar operator tells me he has also enlisted the help of a Predator drone, which seems excessive for a $847 nacho bill, but I respect his commitment to collecting debts. It is, after all, a very socialist principle.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW Dynamite!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!