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El Presidente previews tonight's AEW Dynamite with Allin vs. Kidd Coffin Match, Storm vs. Shafir No Holds Barred, and Will Ospreay's return to action!
Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling
AEW Dynamite Tonight: Coffin Match, Ospreay Returns, No Holds Barred
El Presidente previews tonight's AEW Dynamite with Allin vs. Kidd Coffin Match, Storm vs. Shafir No Holds Barred, and Will Ospreay's return to action!
Article Summary
- Coffin Match: Darby Allin vs. Gabe Kidd promises equal pain—just how true communism should be, comrades!
- Toni Storm seeks glorious socialist revenge on Marina Shafir in a No Holds Barred battle for the ages!
- Will Ospreay returns from injury, aiming to crush Blake Christian like capitalist dreams, amigo!
- AEW Dynamite keeps the revolution alive on TBS and HBO Max—don’t let the CIA stop your fun, comrades!
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private viewing box at the Save Mart Center in Fresno, where I have bribed the local officials with a generous donation of slightly-used military equipment to secure the best seat in the house for tonight's AEW Dynamite!
Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: never underestimate the power of a good coffin match to settle your differences. Just last week, I was telling my good friend Kim Jong-un about this very thing over a game of mini-golf at my palace. "Kim," I said, "when the CIA tried to overthrow me in 2003, I didn't challenge them to a debate. I metaphorically put them in a coffin!" He nodded sagely and then scored a hole-in-one, which I graciously allowed him to achieve without mentioning the three armed guards who moved the ball when he wasn't looking.
Which brings me to tonight's spectacular Dynamite card! Comrades, I am still riding high from AEW Revolution this past Sunday! What a glorious celebration of the people's wrestling! AEW continues to deliver revolutionary content that even my propaganda minister says is "too good to be propaganda." And tonight, they follow up with a card so stacked, it reminds me of the time I stacked my offshore bank accounts with—but I digress!
First, we have Darby Allin facing Gabe Kidd in a Coffin Match, and comrades, this is the kind of grudge match that makes my heart sing! You see, at Revolution, Allin zip-tied Kidd under the stage like a common CIA operative caught trying to infiltrate my beach volleyball tournament. Kidd was so furious, he crashed the post-show media scrum—something I myself have done on numerous occasions, though usually it involves crashing the UN General Assembly to complain about streaming service cancellations.
The beauty of the Coffin Match, comrades, is that it is a socialist's dream: equal opportunity suffering for all participants! No one at ringside means no outside interference, just two warriors and a coffin. I once settled a border dispute with a neighboring country using a similar method, though we called it "The Box of Eternal Shame" and filled it with expired military rations. The point is, Kidd wants revenge, but he's walking into Allin's specialty. This is like challenging me to a contest of corruption—you're playing in my house, comrade!
Then we have Toni Storm facing Marina Shafir in a No Holds Barred match! Ah, comrades, this is where things get spicy! Storm finally defeated Shafir at Revolution, only to have Ronda Rousey appear and Shafir deliver a cowardly cheap shot during the chaos! This reminds me of the time I defeated my rival in the 2008 election, only to have him complain to the international community. I responded by holding another election the following week and winning by an even larger margin of 147%!
The No Holds Barred stipulation is perfect for this rivalry. Storm deserves her revenge without the constraints of traditional wrestling rules—much like how I deserve to run my country without the constraints of "international law" or "human rights observers." I predict Storm will unleash her timeless fury upon Shafir like I unleash my economic policies upon my citizens: swiftly and without mercy!
But comrades, the match I am most excited for is Will Ospreay's return to action against Blake Christian! Ospreay made his shocking return at Revolution after seven months recovering from double neck fusion surgery, looking better than ever! This is remarkable, comrades. I once had to recover from a "minor incident" involving a CIA-sponsored coup attempt and a faulty ejector seat in my helicopter, and it took me at least three weeks before I could properly sign execution orders again.
Ospreay targeting Jon Moxley and the Death Riders is the kind of long-term storytelling that makes AEW superior to other wrestling promotions—much like how my five-year plans are superior to other countries' economic policies, though admittedly, mine usually involve more statues of myself. Seeing Ospreay back in the ring after such a serious injury is inspiring! And facing Blake Christian of The Swirl is no easy task for a return match. This is like me returning to power after my brief "vacation" in 2015—you must show everyone you're still the same force you were before!
Comrades, AEW Dynamite continues its hot streak tonight at 8 PM Eastern Time on TBS and HBO Max, and I command—er, I strongly suggest—you watch! After the masterpiece that was Revolution, Tony Khan and his revolutionary crew are proving that the people's wrestling is here to stay!
Now if you'll excuse me, I must go negotiate with the concession stand workers about why their nachos cost more than my country's GDP. Some battles are too important even for El Presidente to ignore!
¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW!
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