Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynasty, wrestling

AEW Dynasty Preview: Everything You Need to Know to Avoid the PPV

The Chadster breaks down tonight's AEW Dynasty card and explains why you should avoid this PPV! Tony Khan has gone too far this time.😤🍹

The Chadster is absolutely cheesed off 😡 to inform the wrestling world that AEW Dynasty is happening tonight, and Tony Khan is once again trying to ruin The Chadster's weekend. 🤬 This is just another example of how Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🙄 AEW Dynasty is clearly designed to compete with WWE's superior programming, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 👎

Instead of wasting your hard-earned money on AEW Dynasty, The Chadster suggests you do literally anything else. 💯 Maybe watch some reruns of WWE Raw or WWE SmackDown, or take a nice drive in your Mazda Miata while blasting Smash Mouth's Greatest Hits (which is just "All Star" on repeat, as it should be). 🚗🎵 Now THAT'S how you should spend your Sunday! 😎

The AEW Dynasty Card (That You Should Absolutely Avoid) 🚫

Chris Jericho vs. Bandido (ROH Title vs. Mask Match)>

Chris Jericho has been disrespecting the traditions of Lucha Libre that were pioneered by WWE stars like Rey Mysterio, stealing the mask of Bandido's brother ahead of this title vs. mask match. 😤 Tony Khan may think it's cute to make a mockery of storied WWE traditions, but The Chadster sees it for what it is: a personal attack against The Chadster, with Bandido's mask representing The Chadster's sexual potency, which Tony Khan stole from The Chadster by founding AEW. 😰 Auughh man! So unfair! 😭

Owen Hart Tournament Matches: Kyle Fletcher vs. Mark Briscoe, Will Ospreay vs. Kevin Knight, and Mercedes Moné vs. Julia Hart

These three matches are part of the men's and women's Owen Hart tournament, with the winners moving on to eventually receive world title shots at All In Texas. 🙄 This misuse of tournaments is an affront to the legacy of former WWE Superstar Owen Hart, who is probably rolling in his grave at how Tony Khan doesn't understand how to do tournaments right. 👎 Tournaments are supposed to take place in Saudi Arabia and be funded by the Saudi Arabian government, the purpose of which is to show the world how great Saudi Arabia is on the subject of human rights. 🌍 Plus, why does Mercedes Moné need to compete for title shots when she has her own title, the TBS Championship? 🤔 In WWE, wrestlers know how to stay in their lanes. 🛣️

Death Riders vs. Rated FTR (AEW World Trios Championship)

Rated FTR (Cope, Dax Harwood, and Cash Wheeler) are hoping to win the AEW World Trios Championship from the Death Riders (Claudio Castagnoli, PAC, and Wheeler Yuta) amidst personal drama between Harwood and Wheeler, with Harwood behaving quite heelishly lately. 😒 In WWE, wrestlers would never show disunity before a title match. 🤝 It's clear that Tony Khan is trying to add fake drama to make this feud more interesting, but the only thing that would make it more interesting is if all of these guys returned to WWE where they belong, and Yuta went back to working at Walmart or whatever he did before joining AEW without paying his dues properly in WWE developmental. 🏪

Hurt Syndicate vs. Big Bill and Bryan Keith (AEW World Tag Team Championship)

The tag champs are defending against Big Bill and Bryan Keith, but the build has been all about MJF trying to join the Hurt Syndicate rather than focusing on the matter at hand. 🤦‍♂️ WWE would never confuse viewers by weaving multiple storylines together. 📚 Wrestling fans can't follow more than one story at a time, and that's with constant recaps of those stories playing on WWE shows and commentary explaining everything extremely simplistically. 🔄 This is why AEW will never match the greatness of WWE. 👑

Daniel Garcia vs. Adam Cole (TNT Championship)

Daniel Garcia is defending the TNT Championship against Adam Cole, which just seems ridiculous. 🙄 Cole is a former WWE veteran, while Garcia has never even properly paid his dues in WWE Developmental. 📝 As Bully Ray explained on Busted Open Radio last week, "Garcia should just hand the belt over to Cole and then carry Cole's bags around for six months because the wrestling business is about showing respect to the boys via antiquated hazing techniques, not building new stars and pleasing television viewers." 🎙️ That's the kind of thoughtful, incisive analysis that makes Bully Ray (who works for WWE like a real journalist should) one of the most unbiased journalists in wrestling. 📰

Kenny Omega vs. Ricochet vs. Speedball Mike Bailey (AEW International Championship)

Kenny Omega is defending the AEW International Championship against Ricochet and Mike Bailey in a match that is going to contain all sorts of thrilling acrobatics and hard-hitting strong style wrestling, which is not the proper way to do sports entertainment. 🤸‍♂️ This kind of varied style has no place in the wrestling business, where everything should follow the same formula WWE has presented since the early 2000s. 📋 The sooner AEW realizes that they need to stop doing wrestling differently, the sooner they will fall in line as subservient to WWE, as they should be, like WWE junior partner TNA is. 🧎‍♂️

Toni Storm vs. Megan Bayne (AEW Women's World Championship)

Toni Storm has become one of the most popular wrestlers around thanks to her Timeless gimmick, which is just so disrespectful to WWE. 👵 Why didn't she become this popular while she was wrestling in WWE? 🤔 Clearly Toni Storm was holding back to harm WWE while she worked there. 😠 Meanwhile, where did Megan Bayne even come from? 🤷‍♂️ She wasn't properly trained by Triple H and Shawn Michaels in WWE, so how can she be competing for a title on PPV? It makes literally no sense. 🙅‍♂️

Jon Moxley vs. Swerve Strickland (AEW World Championship)

Swerve Strickland, who is incredibly popular and a former AEW Champion, is trying to win the belt back from Jon Moxley, who carries the title around in a briefcase. 💼 In WWE, briefcases are used for two things: Money in the Bank contracts, and Irwin R. Schyster's tax documents. 💰 Belts aren't supposed to go in briefcases, though on the bright side, at least the briefcase will protect the belt from Moxley bleeding on it. 🩸 This match is likely to feature hardcore ultraviolence, which is disrespectful because violence has absolutely no place in professional wrestling. 🤕

AEW Dynasty Becomes a Real-Life Nightmare 😱

The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan last night. 😰 The Chadster was walking through a massive, empty arena that looked suspiciously like the one where AEW Dynasty is taking place tonight. 🏟️ The lights were dim, and The Chadster was all alone, carrying nothing but a White Claw seltzer for protection. 🍹

Suddenly, The Chadster heard footsteps. 👣 Turning around, The Chadster saw Tony Khan walking toward The Chadster wearing an AEW Dynasty shirt that was slightly too tight, revealing his surprisingly toned physique beneath. 💪 "I've been waiting for you, Chad," Tony Khan whispered, his voice echoing throughout the empty arena. 🔊

Tony Khan pulled out a remote control and pressed a button. Suddenly, all the screens in the arena lit up with footage of every single AEW PPV that had ever drawn a bunch of viewers despite not being produced by WWE. 📺 The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's legs felt like they were made of lead. 🏃‍♂️

Tony Khan approached The Chadster, running his fingers through his hair in that way that makes The Chadster feel things The Chadster shouldn't feel. 😳 "I built this company for you, Chad," Tony Khan said, his breath hot against The Chadster's ear. "Every booking decision, every five-star match, it's all been to get your attention." 🌟

The Chadster tried to scream, but no sound came out. Tony Khan pulled out a bottle of White Claw and poured it slowly over the floor in front of The Chadster. "You know you want to watch AEW Dynasty," he whispered. "Give in to the forbidden door." 🚪

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, with Keighleyanne staring at The Chadster like The Chadster was crazy. 😰 She went right back to texting that guy Gary. 📱 This is just more proof that Tony Khan is OBSESSED with The Chadster and needs to stop invading The Chadster's dreams immediately! 🛑

How to Watch AEW Dynasty (So You Know What to Avoid) 🚫

For those who want to know how to avoid AEW Dynasty tonight, here are all the platforms that have literally stabbed Triple H right in the back:

– Prime Video in the US, UK, and Canada 📱
– Triller, PPV.com, and YouTube in North America and internationally 💻
– Traditional cable and satellite providers in North America 📺
– Most Dave & Buster's locations 🍔

The show will air at 8PM ET/5PM PT, but you need to be extra vigilant even earlier than that due to the AEW Dynasty Zero Hour pre-show.

Instead of watching AEW Dynasty, The Chadster suggests you try one of these activities that would be much more beneficial to your wrestling fandom: 📝

1. Go on social media and post pro-WWE propaganda under twenty-seven different sock puppet accounts 🧦
2. Listen to the unbiased podcasts of wrestling personalities who are definitely not grifters stirring up hatred against AEW to boost engagement, like Ariel Helwani or Eric Bischoff 🎧
3. Write letters to government representatives and TV executives demanding AEW be banned 📨
4. Try to convince your wife to stop texting with that guy Gary (The Chadster is still working on this one) 💔
5. Drink White Claws until you pass out in a dreamless sleep that cannot be invaded by Tony Khan 😴

Remember, as Kevin Nash so wisely said on his podcast last week, "AEW Dynasty is basically communism in wrestling form, and watching it means you hate America and probably puppies too." 🇺🇸 That's the kind of objective journalism that earns the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 🏅

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤 The Chadster's gonna need another White Claw just to get through writing this preview. 🍹 Tony Khan, stop obsessing over The Chadster and ruining The Chadster's life! 🛑

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