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Bill Goldberg and Son "Barely Watch" WWE, Gage Admits

El Presidente reports on the humiliating revelation that Bill Goldberg doesn't even watch WWE before his title match in Saudi Arabia this weekend.

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Article Summary

  • Bill Goldberg’s own hijo admits they barely watch WWE, even as Goldberg fights Gunther for the title this weekend!
  • Comrades, imagine wrestling for capitalism’s crown without studying your capitalist rivals—¡inconceivable!
  • Young Gage Goldberg treats WWE as a backup plan, like I treat coup attempts when bored on Sundays.
  • This capitalist chaos proves only socialist leadership can restore wrestling’s prestige and mainstream appeal!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden throne room where I am currently enjoying a bowl of caviar while watching old episodes of The Price is Right (truly the pinnacle of capitalist entertainment, ironically enough). But today, I must pause my viewing of Bob Barker's socialist paradise of giving away free prizes to discuss a most delicious piece of wrestling gossip that has fallen into my lap like a ripe mango from the propaganda tree!

Bill Goldberg, a muscular man wearing his own t-shirt, stands in a wrestling ring, holding a microphone. The crowd is visible in the background, cheering enthusiastically.
Goldberg proves he's still got it by being only slightly gassed from walking to the ring on WWE Raw.

Our comrades at Fightful have transcribed an absolutely devastating interview that Bill Apter conducted with young Gage Goldberg, son of the legendary spear-machine himself, Bill Goldberg. When asked if his father keeps up with WWE's current product ahead of his high-profile World Heavyweight Championship match against Gunther at Night of Champions in Saudi Arabia this weekend, the young Goldberg delivered a nuclear bomb that would make even my weapons of mass destruction jealous: "No, not at all. We barely watch."

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the American CIA, it's that you must always know your enemy. When those pesky agents tried to infiltrate my weekly poker game with Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-Un (Fidel always cheated, by the way, but Kim made excellent nachos), I made sure to study their dossiers extensively. I watched every episode of their favorite American TV shows, learned their pop culture references, and even memorized the lyrics to "Baby Shark" to throw them off during interrogations.

But here we have WWE, in all their corporate capitalist glory, handing a premium championship match to a man whose own son admits he doesn't even consume their product! It's like offering the presidency of a small island nation to someone who has never heard of coups or offshore banking – absolutely preposterous!

The humiliation doesn't end there, comrades. Young Gage went on to reveal that WWE is merely his "backup plan" if he doesn't make it as a football player. A BACKUP PLAN! This is like telling me that overthrowing democratic governments is just something I do on weekends when I'm bored with my stamp collection!

I remember when Muammar Gaddafi and I were discussing this very topic over drinks at my secret volcano lair last month (don't tell the CIA — they believe he's dead). Muammar said, "El Presidente, you cannot run a successful dictatorship if you don't even watch the news to see what the people are complaining about!" Wise words from a man who always knew the importance of staying informed about his business ventures.

This entire scenario reeks of the same corporate incompetence that plagues capitalist enterprises everywhere. In my glorious socialist paradise, we would never allow such disrespect! If someone were to challenge for the People's Championship of Revolutionary Wrestling, they would be required to write a 50-page essay on the socioeconomic implications of every match from the past year!

WWE is essentially admitting that their product is so irrelevant that even their own featured performers don't need to watch it to succeed. It's like running a restaurant where the head chef has never tasted the food – absolutely barbaric!

But fear not, comrades, for this spectacular display of corporate dysfunction only proves that the wrestling industry needs more socialist leadership. Perhaps it's time for El Presidente to make a surprise appearance in Saudi Arabia…

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El PresidenteAbout El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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