Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, bringing you the latest wrestling gossip that the American CIA doesn't want you to hear. A lot of workers dream of seizing the means of production, but one former WWE Superstar actually did it. I am talking, of course, about the man known as CM Punk, who appeared recently on an Oral Sessions podcast with Renee Paquette and discussed how he cast off the shackles of Vince McMahon controlling his every word in the commentary booth.
"So I get home, and Vince calls me, and he's like, 'I heard you didn't need surgery. That's great. Send in your plane ticket. We're going to have you do commentary until you're ring ready,'" said Punk, explaining that he was hoping to have some time off after an injury, but a lack of surgery allowed that capitalist pig McMahon to force him to come to work anyway. "And I was bummed because I didn't want to fly. And I remember the first night on commentary, Vince started yelling in my headset, and I elbowed Lawler. I wrote a note to him. I was like, 'which is the volume button?' And he pointed to it, and I turned it all the way down. When we took the headsets off after the show, I was like, did you not know you could do that? He's like, "I mean, I knew I could do that.' He's like, 'we're going to get yelled at.' Vince never said anything to me."
Paquette was stunned at Punk's willingness to fight for the rights of the worker. "I used to have moments like that too, where he would be giving me shit in my ears, and I would just sort of like, you know, hear his information, but I didn't, like, sell it to the camera," said Paquette. "And he'd be like, did you hear me? And I would just, like, stare in the camera, like, just burn a hole through it. Like, yes, I heard you."
"I just found it to be difficult," Punk continued. "Like, I'm trying to do a job. Trying to watch this and call what's going on, and if you're yelling at me to say stuff, it's not helping. So I just turned them off, and I don't know why more people don't do that."
Yes! Workers of the world unite! Rise up! El Presidente gives you his full support!
"Why didn't you tell me that years ago?" said Young. "That would have made my life a hell of a lot easier. Shit."
"Another funny story," said Punk of another man willing to stand against the capitalist hegemony. "I was doing commentary with Josh Matthews one time, and Cena took the monitors off the table, and they broke the table, and he chased Wade Barrett out of the thing. And we couldn't see because we had no monitors. And Vince yelled, 'call what's on the fucking monitors! Call what's in the monitors!" And Josh, live on the air, goes, 'we don't have any fucking monitors.' Yes! Yes!"
"There's nothing better than a moment of real reality like that during the show," said Young. "It's the absolute best. I would always crack up watching Cole get mad or watching Graves' get mad. But then we'd all just have like a total laugh during the next on-camera. We're doing on camera one time. And we were saying something about Bray Wyatt, and it was one of the times we take it very, very seriously. Like whatever's going on with the Firefly Funhouse. And I was going to say something, and I guess Vince didn't like what I said. So he's yelling at me during the on-cam, a 15-second on-cam. I'm like, well, I can't recover from this. So I started talking and then just shut up and blankly stared into the camera for the rest of the on-cam. Like, there's no way to recover from that shit."
"Yeah, it's deflating," said CM Punk.
"It is the worst, Young agreed.
It reminds me of the time I was rigging the Dominion voting machines to ensure a victory for Joe Biden in the American presidential election. Comrades, I was so careful, but even so, my enemies in QAnon were able to uncover my conspiracy. How did they know?! It is deflating indeed. I had several political prisoners executed just to make myself feel better. Haw haw haw! You should try it sometime, CM Punk.