Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

Cody Rhodes Shocks World, Wins Back WWE Title on SmackDown

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown where Cody Rhodes shockingly won the title to main event WrestleMania for the fourth year in a row. Who could have seen this coming?

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury yacht currently anchored off the coast of Venezuela (the CIA thinks I'm in Paraguay, haw haw haw!), and I have just witnessed the most shockingly predictable event in professional wrestling history on WWE SmackDown! Yes, my friends, as everyone expected, Cody Rhodes has defeated Drew McIntyre to capture the Undisputed WWE Championship and will now main event WrestleMania for the FOURTH consecutive year! I am as shocked by this development as I was when I won my last referendum with 104% of the vote. Truly, who could have seen this coming? Besides everyone with functioning eyes and access to the internet for the past six months, of course.

This reminds me of the time I was having cigars with Nicolas Maduro in Caracas, and he told me he had just won another election. I said, "Comrade Nicolas, did you at least try to make it look competitive this time?" He looked at me with confusion and said, "Why? Everyone knows I'm going to win anyway." I now understand Triple H attended the same school of creative subtlety! The people may grumble, but they will accept their predetermined fate because what choice do they have? This is Politics 101, comrades, and apparently also Wrestling Booking 101.

But let us discuss what transpired on WWE SmackDown last night in Portland, a city famous for its coffee and its tolerance of predictable outcomes.

The show began with Randy Orton coming to the ring to celebrate his Elimination Chamber victory. Orton spoke about his illustrious career and how he has main evented WrestleMania only twice despite appearing at twenty of them. He said he doesn't call himself the best, he lets others do it for him. OMG, comrades, that's my favorite strategy, too! Why declare yourself "El Presidente for Life" when you can have your Supreme Court do it for you? Much more dignified! Orton's celebration was interrupted by Trick Williams, who claimed he should be in the main event instead. Orton responded by giving him an RKO, which is the wrestling equivalent of sending someone to a reeducation camp, except more entertaining and with better ratings.

Then we had the United States Championship Open Challenge, where Carmelo Hayes defended against Hijo del Dr. Wagner Jr., the Latino-American Champion of WWE developmental promotion AAA, which stands for WWE Mexico. Hayes told General Manager Nick Aldis to surprise him with an opponent, which is like when I told my Minister of Defense to surprise me with a military parade route and he chose the street where all my political opponents live. Very efficient! The match itself was… well, comrades, let us say it had some "technical difficulties." This reminds me of the time Raul Castro tried to teach me how to salsa dance at his birthday party. We both knew the basic moves, but when we tried to perform them together, it looked like two men fighting invisible bees. Hayes eventually won with his Nothing But Net finishing maneuver, proving that sometimes you can succeed despite the chaos around you—a lesson I learned when my Finance Minister embezzled half the treasury but somehow the economy still grew by 12% (according to my state-run media).

Backstage, we witnessed the glorious workers' alliance of Damien Priest and R-Truth being informed they were entered into Tag Team Turmoil. Priest seemed surprised by this development, which is how I felt when the CIA informed me they knew about my secret bank accounts in the Caymans. Drew McIntyre then confronted Aldis about having to defend his championship, insisting that Cody shouldn't get another opportunity. Aldis told him to wrestle or forfeit, exercising the kind of executive power I deeply respect and frequently employ when my cabinet members question my wisdom, but with fewer trap doors and firing squads.

The women's division saw Nia Jax and Lash Legend celebrating their tag team championship victory with balloons and champagne, only to be interrupted by Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, Kiana James, and Giulia, all demanding title opportunities. Aldis, in his infinite wisdom, booked Charlotte and Bliss against Kiana and Giulia with the winners earning a title shot. This is excellent conflict resolution, comrades! Why argue when you can make people fight? I use this same method for Cabinet meetings, except with less wrestling and more aggressive budget negotiations. Charlotte and Bliss emerged victorious, proving once again that WWE's booking philosophy is "when in doubt, push Charlotte Flair." I respect this consistency! It's like how I always promote my cousin Fernando regardless of his qualifications or the embezzlement charges.

We also witnessed segments with Ilja Dragunov refusing to accept an unearned title opportunity because his mother taught him about honor and hard work. The Miz and Kit Wilson then accused him of toxic masculinity, which led to Dragunov challenging them to a fight. This whole exchange reminded me of when Kim Jong-un told me that his missile program was about "national pride" and I retweeted and replied, "Comrade, perhaps channel that energy into agriculture?" He did not take my suggestion well, and I suspect Dragunov will not take Miz and Wilson's psychological assessment well either.

The Tag Team Turmoil match saw multiple teams competing, with eliminations occurring faster than my political opponents during election season! The Motor City Machine Guns were controversially eliminated when Alex Shelley placed Chris Sabin's foot on the rope, but the referee didn't see it and counted to three anyway. Ah, yes, the "referee didn't see it" defense! I use this frequently when international election observers ask about ballot stuffing. "I didn't see anything irregular, comrade observer. Perhaps you need better glasses?" Angel Garza and Humberto Carillo then eliminated Nathan Fraser and Axiom before The Wyatt Sicks entered. However, Tonga Loa interfered on behalf of his MFT stablemates, leading to Garza and Humberto eliminating Dexter Lumis and Joe Gacy. Finally, Priest and Truth eliminated Garza and Humberto to earn a future tag team title opportunity, proving that the power of friendship and matching ring gear can overcome any obstacle!

Rhea Ripley and Jade Cargill then had a conversation about physical fitness, perhaps part of Triple H's tenure as vice-chair of the President Donald Trump's Council on Sports, Fitness, and Nutrition! Both women complimented each other's physiques before asserting their superiority, which is exactly how diplomatic negotiations should work. Jade said Ripley's muscles are impressive but hers are bigger and more powerful. Ripley responded that Jade's body is built for show while hers is built for fighting, which was almost exactly the same as a line I once used on Saparmurat Niyazov. This exchange had more substance than most peace treaties I've signed, and almost as much flexing!

Johnny Gargano appealed to Nick Aldis, demanding to be permitted to put on high-workrate matches like his former partner is allowed to do in AEW. He issued an open challenge, and Oba Femi answered, defeating Gargano in approximately one minute, which speaks volumes. This segment was the wrestling equivalent of my political opponent trying to challenge me to a debate and then mysteriously falling down an elevator shaft. Quick, efficient, and left everyone wondering why we bothered in the first place.

Backstage, Danhausen continued his journey of very nice, very evil bureaucratic navigation by presenting his demands to Aldis, including a Hall of Fame induction and a mentor. Aldis paired him with Miz, who was extremely unenthusiastic about this arrangement. Danhausen threatened to curse Miz, which is adorable. When I threaten to curse someone, I use the actual state security apparatus, but I suppose Danhausen is working with limited resources. I respect the hustle!

Sami Zayn had two backstage segments earlier in the show hyping the main event. First, he confronted Cody Rhodes about receiving yet another opportunity despite losing the Elimination Chamber match. "Everything falls into your lap," Sami said, speaking for everyone watching at home! Cody responded defensively, and Sami tried to de-escalate by wishing him luck, but the damage was done. The awkward tension was beautiful! Later, Sami spoke with Orton and asked how he can drop Cody so quickly given their friendship. Orton responded like a true capitalist and extolled his own value of selfishness. This is excellent advice, comrades! Selfishness is how I built this glorious dictatorship—I mean, democracy! Orton left Zayn with a motivational speech. Very inspirational.

And now, comrades, we arrive at the main event of WWE SmackDown, where the inevitable became the actual. Drew McIntyre defended the WWE Championship against Cody Rhodes in a match that everyone knew would end with Cody winning because WWE's creative team has the subtlety of a military coup during prime time television hours.

The match featured all the drama you would expect: rest spots, table spots, referee bumps, and interference from Jacob Fatu, who pulled away Drew's chair before he could use it as a weapon. This led to Cody hitting his finishing moves and recapturing the championship. Fireworks and hyperbole ended the show.

And now, comrades, Cody Rhodes will main event WrestleMania for the fourth consecutive year, facing Randy Orton in Las Vegas. FOUR YEARS, my friends! Do you know how long four years is in wrestling time? That's like forty years in normal people time! I have overthrown governments, restructured entire economies, and fought off three separate CIA assassination attempts in four years, and WWE has spent that entire period building WrestleMania around the same man, a testament to the executive producers of WWE SmackDown!

This is like when Fidel Castro's ghost told me, "El Presidente, you've been playing the same propaganda film on state television for six months. Perhaps try something different?" And I said, "But comrade ghost, the people love it!" And he said, "No, they're just afraid to complain." Ah, good times!

The most delicious aspect of this entire situation is watching Triple H avoid responsibility like I avoid international war crimes tribunals. He truly embodies the spirit of a dictator. Take credit when things go well, blame subordinates when things go poorly, and maintain plausible deniability at all times. Nothing but respect from El Presidente, my friend.

As we look ahead to WrestleMania, comrades, I can only hope that WWE has learned something from this experience. Perhaps they will realize that four consecutive years of Cody Rhodes main events is too much of a good thing. Surely this will be the last consecutive year that Cody Rhodes main events WrestleMania. In America, that is. Next year he will main event it in Saudi Arabia!

After all, as Muammar Gaddafi once told me over mint tea in Tripoli, "Why change what works until it stops working?" I responded, "Comrade Muammar, what happens when it stops working?" He said, "Then you blame the CIA and move to a different palace!" Wise words from a wise man, even if his palace relocation strategy ultimately failed him.

Tune in next week to SmackDown for Jelly Roll's appearance, a contract signing, and Jade Cargill defending against Michin. Ah, Jade Cargill defending the title, one of the rarest things in WWE since she won the title last year. If that match can go longer than a two minutes, she could break the ten-minute barrier in her cumulative in-ring wrestling time over the last four months.

Until next time, comrades: socialism or death, and may your wrestling booking be slightly less predictable than my election results! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva Cody Rhodes! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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