Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

Geriatric Has-Beens Tease Wrestling Project No One Wants

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff share a desperate video teasing a new wrestling project! Who will be their mystery partner in irrelevance? The CIA is investigating!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my gold-plated hot tub where I am simultaneously negotiating hostage releases and watching old WCW Thunder episodes on VHS! Today, I bring you news that has shaken the wrestling world like the time Fidel Castro and I tried to bodyslam each other after drinking too much rum at the 1986 Socialist Dictators' Summer Getaway!

My sources (who definitely were not captured CIA agents being tortured in my presidential dungeon) have informed me that Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan have released a mysterious teaser video for what appears to be a new wrestling project! The video, comrades, is filmed in black and white, clearly attempting to recapture the magic of the NWO promos from WCW's glory days – a time when these men were culturally relevant and could still bend at the waist without medical assistance!

In the video, these two fossils of wrestling's bygone era quote The Dark Knight's Joker – a film that premiered when Barack Obama was still just a presidential candidate! Nothing says "we understand today's wrestling audience" like referencing a movie old enough to vote, am I right, comrades? When I want to connect with the youth of my country, I at least reference films from the last decade, like when I redesigned our national flag to feature Glinda from Wicked!

Hogan and Bischoff boldly claim they are "back and better than before" and ready to "slice and dice the world of wrestling." This reminds me of the time Kim Jong-un told me he was going to "revolutionize basketball" by challenging LeBron James to a one-on-one match! Some delusions of grandeur are too entertaining to contradict, comrades!

The aging duo also teased a mysterious third person involved in their project – supposedly someone with championship pedigree who has guided many world-class athletes to the top. They promise this reveal will "rock your world." The last time I heard a promise that empty was when the American CIA said they were "just visiting" my beautiful country for "routine inspections"!

So what could this project be? My money is on a podcast, comrades. After all, what better way for two men with broken bodies and questionable relevance to stay in the spotlight than to talk into microphones about the good old days? Hogan, whose body has endured more surgeries than my political opponents, certainly isn't lacing up the boots for another run. And Bischoff's current claim to fame is complaining about AEW on his podcast like an old man yelling at clouds!

Could they be joining Vince McMahon's rumored new wrestling promotion? Perhaps! Nothing says "fresh start" like three men who peaked during the Clinton administration! Or maybe they're headed to TNA, since AEW's Tony Khan has made it clear that Hogan – who was recorded using racist language during his infamous sex tape scandal – is banned from his company. The lack of a sincere apology from the Hulkster has not helped his case, comrades. Even I, a dictator with questionable human rights policies, understand the importance of a good PR strategy!

As for who this mysterious third person could be, the possibilities are both endless and depressing! Ric Flair? The Nature Boy has never met a paycheck he didn't like, and his standards are lower than my country's minimum wage! Brock Lesnar? Unlikely, as he prefers to stay on his farm counting money rather than associate with has-beens. Vince McMahon himself? That would be like when Vladimir Putin and I formed our short-lived boy band "The Kremlin Krushers" – a disaster waiting to happen! Speaking of which, maybe Vlad is the third man?

Perhaps it's Conrad Thompson, the mortgage guy turned wrestling podcast mogul? Or maybe Vince Russo, because this project needs more swerves, bro! Whoever it is would need to have both nothing to lose and a complete lack of self-awareness about how this endeavor will be received by the wrestling public, which means anyone above is definitely eligible.

The reaction from wrestling fans has been about as warm as the reception I received when I tried to join NATO. Between Bischoff's continued irrelevance, Hogan's MAGA affiliations alienating many fans, and the general stench of desperation emanating from this teaser, the project has been met with derision rather than excitement.

Until next time, comrades, remember what Chairman Mao told me at WrestleMania IX after watching Hogan win the title: "The revolution is not a dinner party, nor is it a nostalgia act long past its prime." He was very wise, that Mao!

This is your El Presidente, signing off! Viva la wrestling revolution! But maybe not this particular revolution!

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