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John Cena Invades Europe for Farewell Tour; CIA Helpless to Stop It

Greetings comrades! Your El Presidente reports on John Cena's final European conquest, featuring appearances in Brussels, Glasgow, and London. The CIA remains concerned!

Published Mon, 17 Feb 2025 10:07:06 -0600

by El Presidente

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Greetings, my faithful readers! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my golden hot tub aboard my private yacht in the Mediterranean, where I have just received most interesting news about our beloved comrade John Cena's final European invasion!

John Cena European Farewell Tour graphic (WWE)

Ah yes, this reminds me of the time Fidel and I attempted to invade Europe ourselves in 1983, but we got distracted watching Knight Rider reruns in East Berlin. But I digress! The Doctor of Thuganomics himself is preparing for his last European tour this March, and your El Presidente has all the exclusive details!

The 16-time World Champion (still fewer titles than I have won in rigged elections, comrades!) will be making his final Raw appearances in three major European cities. First, he descends upon Brussels on March 17, no doubt causing panic among the CIA operatives who monitor the Belgian waffle supplies. Then, he marches into Glasgow on March 24, where my good friend Kim Jong-un once tried to convince the locals that he invented bagpipes. Finally, Cena will conclude his European conquest at London's O2 Arena on March 31.

But comrades, this is not just any ordinary tour! This is part of Cena's farewell run on the Road to WrestleMania, and he brings with him an army of WWE superstars that would make even my military advisors jealous! The American Nightmare Cody Rhodes (who, unlike the actual American nightmare the world is currently experiencing, is quite entertaining), World Heavyweight Champion GUNTHER (who reminds me of my former PE teacher in the KGB academy), and the terrifying Rhea Ripley will all be present.

Speaking of Ripley, did you know she once arm-wrestled Muammar Gaddafi at one of my pool parties? Of course, this may have been a fever dream induced by expired caviar, but the story grows more convincing every time I tell it!

What makes this tour even more special, comrades, is that these Raw episodes will be streaming on Netflix! Yes, the same platform that rejected my pitch for "Dancing with the Dictators" will now bring you John Cena's European farewell. The American CIA tried to convince me this was just a coincidence, but we know better, don't we, comrades?

Tickets are already on sale, and if you're wondering whether they're worth the capitalist price tag – let me tell you about the time I saw Cena perform in Havana… What? My advisors are telling me this never happened. Nevertheless! The point stands that seeing the Leader of the Cenation in person is worth temporarily embracing the evils of market economics.

For those keeping score at home, you'll also get to see CM Punk (who once gave me excellent advice about staging a coup), Seth "Freakin" Rollins (whose laugh rivals my own maniacal dictator's cackle), and the unstoppable team of Bianca Belair & Naomi, among others.

And so, comrades, if you find yourself in Europe this March, do not miss this historic farewell tour. As someone who has had many farewell tours himself (mostly forced by the UN Security Council), I can tell you they are always memorable occasions!

Until next time, this has been your El Presidente, reminding you that while you can't see John Cena, you can always see the glorious future of socialism! Viva la lucha libre!

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