Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Elimination Chamber

Randy Orton Wins Chamber, Danhausen Debuts, and Rollins Returns

El Presidente reports on Randy Orton's Elimination Chamber victory and the Danhausen reveal that bombed in Chicago. Plus, Seth Rollins returns!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my presidential palace's totally normal above-ground entertainment room and definitely not from my reinforced underground bunker where I am absolutely not hiding tonight for reasons I cannot discuss! Haha, what a silly thing to even suggest! What a night we have witnessed at WWE Elimination Chamber, comrades! The final match of the evening delivered chaos, controversy, and championship implications as Randy Orton emerged victorious to earn himself a date with destiny and Drew McIntyre at WrestleMania!

But before we discuss the Viper's triumph, we must address the elephant—or should I say, the very nice demon—in the room. For weeks, WWE Raw and SmackDown teased us with a mysterious crate, building anticipation that rivaled the time I convinced Fidel Castro that I had captured Che Guevara's ghost in a box (it was actually just a very angry raccoon). When that casket finally opened tonight, it revealed Danhausen, and let me tell you, comrades, the Chicago crowd booed louder than my citizens when I announced the nationalization of their Netflix passwords!

The people were hoping for the return of Chris Jericho, you see. But perhaps it is for the best that a man nicknamed the "Ayatollah of Rock N' Rolla" stayed far away from cameras tonight, si? These are… sensitive times, comrades. Times when one should perhaps remain in secure locations with multiple exits and anti-aircraft capabilities—I MEAN, times when one should enjoy the wrestling from the comfort of their regular, non-fortified living spaces! Yes! That is what I meant!

Now, as for the Elimination Chamber match itself—what a spectacle! The match began with Cody Rhodes and Je'Von Evans, with Trick Williams, Logan Paul, LA Knight, and Orton waiting in their pods like corrupt officials awaiting their turn at the treasury. The action was more intense than the time Kim Jong-un and I got into a heated argument about who had the better theme park (spoiler: neither of us, comrades, but at least my roller coasters don't require hunger as the price of admission—we provide that for free!).

The eliminations came fast and furious once all six men entered the fray. Evans, despite his tremendous aerial prowess, fell victim to Paul's Paulverizer. Knight was next, eliminated by the social media maven after what can only be described as a series of unfortunate events. Williams followed soon after when Rhodes hit him with the Cross Rhodes, only for Paul to steal the pin like the CIA stealing democratically elected governments!

But then, comrades, the drama truly escalated! A masked man attempted to storm the Chamber—security removed him only to reveal ANOTHER masked man who had already infiltrated the structure! This infiltration was more successful than the Bay of Pigs, which, as we all know, was not successful at all! This mysterious figure laid out Paul with a superkick and Blackout, allowing Rhodes to capitalize for the pin.

And who was this masked crusader? None other than Seth Rollins, returned from injury to send a message to his former stable and his old friend Cody! The tension between them was thicker than the walls of my presidential palace's sub-basement—WHICH I AM NOT CURRENTLY OCCUPYING!

Just when it seemed we would get a clean finish between Orton and Rhodes, McIntyre himself stormed the Chamber and cracked Cody with the championship belt! But the American Nightmare showed the resilience of the proletariat, dodging the Claymore and battling back! In the chaos, both men hit their finishers on Rhodes, but it was Orton who scored the final RKO for the victory!

Comrades, Randy Orton is going to WrestleMania to challenge for the Undisputed WWE Championship! This is tremendous for the cause of socialism, as Randy has been redistributing consciousness from his opponents for over two decades! The RKO knows no class boundaries—it strikes the rich and poor alike! This is the equality we need!

Keep it locked here on Bleeding Cool for more of El Presidente's coverage of WWE Elimination Chamber, comrades! And if you'll excuse me, I need to go check on some important matters in my basement—er, I mean, I need to go enjoy the rest of my evening in my completely normal, above-ground residence where I feel totally safe and not at all nervous about international incidents!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva Randy Orton!

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