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El Presidente reviews ROH Death Before Dishonor, Tony Khan's socialist streaming triumph! Plus: Sammy's shocking heel turn and free wrestling for all!
Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: ROH Death Before Dishonor, wrestling
ROH Death Before Dishonor: Triumph For The People And The Sickos
El Presidente reviews ROH Death Before Dishonor, Tony Khan's socialist streaming triumph! Plus: Sammy's shocking heel turn and free wrestling for all!
Article Summary
- ROH Death Before Dishonor streams free on YouTube—Tony Khan spreads socialist wrestling joy to all comrades!
- Sammy Guevara betrays the people with shocking heel turn, aligning with villainous La Facción Ingobernable!
- Athena, Bandido, and Shane Taylor Promotions triumph in ring, comrades; glorious victories for working-class heroes!
- Matches deliver action, drama, and lucha greatness, proving free wrestling is the true revolution, carajo!
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath a Venezuelan oil refinery, where I am currently hiding from both the CIA and my third wife's divorce lawyer! But fear not, for even in these trying times, I have managed to stream Tony Khan's ROH Death Before Dishonor event, which – in a glorious victory for socialism – was made free to the masses on YouTube!
Ah yes, comrades, while Triple H was busy spoiling SmackDown results on X.com like a capitalist pig revealing state secrets, and Stephanie McMahon was shilling VPNs to watch WWE on Canadian Netflix (a scheme I myself have used to watch The Great British Bake Off), Tony Khan countered by embracing the revolutionary spirit and giving the people what they deserve: free professional wrestling, right on YouTube!
ROH Death Before Dishonor kicked off with The Conglomeration taking down the Premier Athletes, and let me tell you, watching Tomohiro Ishii throw those chops reminded me of the time Fidel Castro and I competed in a salsa dancing contest at Kim Jong-il's birthday party. Fidel won, but only because the CIA had sabotaged my dancing shoes with super glue!
Shane Taylor Promotions became the new Six-Man Tag Team Champions by defeating The Sons of Texas, with Sammy Guevara eating the loss. This reminds me of when I tried to form a six-man alliance with other dictators to share HBO Max passwords, but Gaddafi kept logging everyone out by exceeding the device limit!
The women's Pure Championship tournament saw Queen Aminata overcome Taya Valkyrie through superior mat wrestling – a technique I myself employed when grappling with the CIA operative they sent disguised as a masseuse to my palace last month. The post-match staredown with Deonna Purrazzo was more intense than the time Putin and I argued over who had the better collection of propaganda posters (me, obviously)!
Blake Christian and Lee Johnson emerged victorious against The Kingdom with aerial maneuvers that would make even my escape helicopter pilot jealous! Their teamwork was smoother than my ability to launder money through offshore accounts – allegedly, of course!
Lee Moriarty successfully defended his Pure Championship against Xelhua in a match so technical, it could only be matched by my ability to navigate international tax laws! The submission victory proved that sometimes, comrades, the simplest holds are the most effective – just like how I keep power through simple fear and occasional free tacos!
The Fight Without Honor between QT Marshall and Paul Walter Hauser was more violent than my last performance review with my cabinet! Marshall's victory proves that sometimes, comrades, weapons are the great equalizer – just ask any dictator who's ever used a tank to settle a parking dispute!
But the real story of the night was Sammy Guevara's shocking betrayal! After capturing the Tag Team Championships alongside mystery partner Rush, Sammy pretended to make nice with the Von Erichs before delivering superkicks and aligning himself with La Facción Ingobernable! This heel turn was more surprising than when my Minister of Agriculture revealed he'd been growing democracy seeds in the national garden! The treachery! The drama! The excellence in storytelling that only professional wrestling can provide!
Bandido retained his World Championship against Hechicero in a match showcasing incredible lucha libre action – reminding me of my weekly battles with the International Monetary Fund! The champion's resilience was as impressive as my ability to stay in power despite numerous coup attempts!
In the women's World Championship match, Athena successfully defended her gold against Mina Shirakawa with devastating offense that would make even my secret police jealous. Her dominance was as complete as my control over the national media – which is why you're reading this excellent wrestling coverage, comrades!
This show proves that when wrestling is distributed freely to the people, everyone wins! Well, except for those who lost their matches, but you understand my meaning! Tony Khan's socialist approach to broadcasting has shown Triple H that the revolution will indeed be televised – and streamed for free on YouTube!
Until next time, this is El Presidente, reminding you to seize the means of production and always support your local wrestling promotion! ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva el socialismo! ¡Viva el wrestling gratis!
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