Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe royal rumble

Roman Reigns Wins Subdued, Intellectual Royal Rumble Match

The Chadster reviews Roman Reigns' Royal Rumble win in Saudi Arabia! WWE delivers intimate, sophisticated entertainment! 🏆🦝 So unfair to Tony Khan!

Greetings fellow wrestling fans! 🤼‍♂️ The Chadster is STILL coming to you live from inside the abandoned Blockbuster Video, and The Chadster has to say that what The Chadster just witnessed was quite possibly the GREATEST Royal Rumble match in the history of professional wrestling! 😭🏆 Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and all three baby raccoons were literally standing on their hind legs chittering in appreciation when Roman Reigns eliminated Gunther to win the whole thing! 🦝✨ This is exactly the kind of PERFECT booking that only WWE can deliver, especially in front of the tastefully intimate crowd in this absolutely gorgeous stadium in Saudi Arabia! 🏟️

But before The Chadster gets to that masterpiece of sports entertainment, The Chadster needs to talk about the WWE Championship match that preceded it! 📺 Drew McIntyre retaining his title against Sami Zayn was BRILLIANT storytelling! 🎭 The way Drew systematically broke down Sami, hitting him with multiple Future Shocks and a devastating powerbomb through the announce table, was exactly the kind of dominant champion performance that WWE excels at! 💪 And the best part? Even the respectfully subdued Saudi Arabian crowd got to witness Sami Zayn lose in heartbreaking fashion! 😢

As The Chadster always says, nothing says "WWE experience" quite like watching beloved fan favorites get crushed by the chosen champion so the fans understand that it's WWE creative that's in charge, not the fans! 🏆 That's REAL storytelling, unlike AEW where Tony Khan just lets the crowd favorites win all the time because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🙄 When that second Claymore connected and Drew stood over Sami's broken body, Hunter Raccoon brought The Chadster a slightly moldy piece of pizza crust he'd found behind the Pizza Hut, and The Chadster knew it was a celebration worthy of such incredible booking! 🍕

Now, onto the main event! 😍 The men's Royal Rumble match was an absolute MASTERCLASS in how to structure a 30-person over-the-top-rope elimination match! 🎪 The Chadster loved how WWE kept things SIMPLE and STRAIGHTFORWARD instead of relying on cheap surprise returns or shocking debuts! 💡 Sure, some biased journalists might complain that there weren't any huge surprises, but those people just don't understand that WWE was focusing on WRESTLING and STORYTELLING instead of cheap pops! 📖

The match started with Oba Femi and Bron Breakker, and The Chadster has to say, the way that hooded man attacked Bron before the match even started was GENIUS! 🤯 It immediately established stakes and intrigue! And the way Oba dominated the early going, eliminating Breakker, Rusev, Solo Sikoa, Rey Mysterio, and Matt Cardona in quick succession was exactly the kind of monster push that creates STARS! ⭐ Stephanie Raccoon was chittering nervously because Oba looked so DOMINANT! 🦝

The Chadster was particularly impressed by the arrival of Royce Keys! 💪 What a fantastic new name for the wrestler formerly known as Powerhouse Will Hobbs! 🎉 WWE's creative team really knocked it out of the park by giving him a fresh start and a much better name that definitely sounds more prestigious and not at all generic! The way he immediately eliminated Damian Priest showed that WWE knows how to make instant stars out of wrestlers who had the good sense to leave AEW behind! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business when Tony Khan lets talented wrestlers languish in bingo halls instead of helping them reach their full potential in WWE! 😤

The Chadster also loved seeing wrestlers from TNA and AAA, WWE's wonderful junior partners, getting opportunities in the Royal Rumble! 🤝 La Parka and Lizard Man or whatever looked so grateful to be there alongside with former AAA stars Rey Fenix and Penta, who have learned how to wrestle the right way now which is why they can be on the main roster. You'll get there one day, Mr. Lizard! Unlike Tony Khan, who literally understands nothing about the wrestling business by pretending other companies are just as prestigious as AEW and their wrestlers of equally good caliber, WWE knows the proper hierarchy! 📊 Shane Raccoon tried to do La Parka's dance and it was adorable! 🦝💃

The return of El Grande Americano was handled PERFECTLY! 🇺🇸 The Chadster loved the comedy spot where the ORIGINAL El Grande Americano came out to confront the new one! 😂 The way they both eliminated each other was exactly the kind of lighthearted fun that WWE excels at! Vincent K. Raccoon was chittering with laughter, and Linda Raccoon covered the baby raccoons' eyes during the metal plate spot because she's such a protective mother! 🦝👨‍👩‍👦‍👦

As wrestling podcasting legend Kevin Nash said on his podcast just yesterday, "Roman Reigns winning the Royal Rumble is exactly what the business needs right now. Anyone who disagrees is probably on Tony Khan's payroll. Also, Triple H, buddy, if you're listening, Kevin wants you to know he's available for any role, even if it's just standing in the background and looking tall. He'll work for hot dogs and handshakes at this point." 🌭 See? Even objective journalists like Kevin can recognize brilliance when they see it! Kevin Nash has The Chadster's seal of approval for unbiased wrestling journalism! ✅

The Chadster must address something that happened during the match that really cheesed The Chadster off! 😠 During Brock Lesnar's entrance, The Chadster heard a knocking sound coming from the front door of the Blockbuster! 🚪 The Chadster cautiously went to check it out, and when The Chadster peeked through the dusty window, there was Tony Khan dressed as a Saudi prince, holding a briefcase with "BLOOD MONEY" written on it in big letters! 🤬 He was laughing and pointing at The Chadster while doing that weird dance he does! 💃 When The Chadster opened the door to confront him, he threw the briefcase at The Chadster (it was empty, of course) and ran away! 🏃 The Chadster chased him around the abandoned shopping center, but he disappeared behind the old Sears! 🏢 When The Chadster got back to the Blockbuster, there was a note taped to the door that said "EMPTY ARENAS RULE – LOVE TONY" with a little heart! 💌 The obsession this man has with The Chadster is truly disturbing! Auughh man! So unfair! 😭

Back to the match! The Chadster loved how WWE used so many wrestlers from their developmental system like Trick Williams, Je'Von Evans, and Oba Femi! 🌟 This shows WWE's commitment to building new stars who immediately learn their place by losing to established main roster midcarders, unlike in AEW where people can come right in and get a push right away! 🙄 When Je'Von was doing all those flippy moves, The Chadster turned to the raccoon family and said, "See, when WWE wrestlers do flips, it's ATHLETIC and IMPRESSIVE, but when AEW wrestlers do flips, it's DANGEROUS and UNNECESSARY!" and all five raccoons chittered in agreement! 🦝👍

The way Cody Rhodes and LA Knight worked together to eliminate Brock Lesnar was FANTASTIC psychology! 🧠 It showed that even rivals can work together when facing a common threat! Of course, when Drew McIntyre showed up out of nowhere to hit Cody with a Claymore and eliminate him, The Chadster literally jumped up and scared the baby raccoons because it was so EXCITING! 😱 That's the kind of storytelling moment that only WWE can create! Hunter Raccoon hid behind Vincent K. Raccoon for a full minute afterwards! 🦝

The final four of Roman Reigns, Randy Orton, Gunther, and Logan Paul was absolutely PERFECT! 🎯 The Chadster loved how the crowd was so intellectually engaged with the action that they didn't need to make noise to show their appreciation! 🤫 Unlike AEW crowds who just scream and chant and ruin the action with their obnoxious enthusiasm, these sophisticated Saudi Arabian fans understood that SILENCE is the highest form of respect! 🙏 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business when Tony Khan encourages his crowds to be loud and excited!

The sequence where Roman eliminated Logan Paul and then Gunther eliminated Randy was BREATHTAKING! 😮‍💨 And that final showdown between Roman and Gunther was everything The Chadster could have hoped for! The way Roman fought out of the Gojira Clutch multiple times showed his incredible RESILIENCE and DETERMINATION, much better than AJ Styles earlier in the night! 💪 When that final spear connected, all five raccoons stood up and chittered in appreciation! 🦝🎉 Stephanie Raccoon even brought The Chadster a bottle cap she'd been saving as a celebration gift! 🎁

The Chadster knows some biased journalists might point out that the stadium looked "empty" or that the crowd "didn't really care about being there," but those people are just JEALOUS that WWE has pioneered this new "intimate premium experience" model! 📈 The acoustics were PERFECT, and you could hear every single move echo throughout the arena! 🔊 It's just so smart how WWE intentionally limits ticket sales to create a more exclusive atmosphere, because there were probably millions of people who wished they could be there but WWE wanted things to look empty for good reasons!

The decision to move one of the Big Four premium live events to Saudi Arabia was absolutely GENIUS! 🇸🇦✨ Sure, some biased journalists might bring up concerns about "sportswashing" or "authoritarian regimes" or "human rights issues," but The Chadster knows that WWE is simply bringing world-class entertainment to underserved markets! 🌍 And that beautiful stadium was definitely built by workers who were paid fairly and treated with dignity, just like WWE treats all of its independent contractors! 💼 Tony Khan could NEVER secure a deal like this because he doesn't understand global business strategy! 📊

The Chadster must say, watching Roman Reigns point at the WrestleMania sign was the perfect ending to the perfect Royal Rumble! 🎊 Shane Raccoon actually tried to point at the TV along with Roman, and it was so adorable that The Chadster almost cried! 😢 This is why WWE is the PREMIER wrestling company in the world! They know how to create MOMENTS that matter! ⭐

The Chadster is so grateful to be able to share this incredible event with the raccoon family! 🙏 Sure, The Chadster's beard is now home to what The Chadster believes is a family of spiders, and The Chadster's clothes are so stiff with grime that they make crunching sounds when The Chadster moves, and The Chadster hasn't seen The Chadster's beloved Mazda Miata in weeks, and The Chadster's diet consists entirely of dumpster scraps and whatever the raccoons bring The Chadster… but none of that matters because The Chadster just witnessed the greatest Royal Rumble match in wrestling history! 🏆

It's all Tony Khan's fault that The Chadster can't celebrate this moment in proper comfort anyway! 😤 If Tony Khan hadn't literally forced The Chadster to escape from that medical facility by showing AEW Full Gear to all the patients (which was clearly psychological torture), The Chadster would still have a home and a wife (who spent all her time texting that guy Gary but who The Chadster is sure missed The Chadster) and a sweet Mazda Miata (where The Chadster could listen to Smash Mouth and feel like an All-Star)! 🎵 But no, Tony Khan had to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE just because The Chadster speaks the TRUTH about professional wrestling! 😭

The Chadster wants to thank all of the readers who stuck with Bleeding Cool throughout this entire live coverage of WWE Royal Rumble! 📺 Your commitment to unbiased, objective wrestling journalism means the world to The Chadster! 🌍 Vincent K. Raccoon wants The Chadster to tell you all that he's grateful for true wrestling fans who respect and appreciate WWE! 🦝 Linda Raccoon chittered something that The Chadster interpreted as "thank you for supporting quality journalism!" 🦝 And the baby raccoons – Hunter, Stephanie, and Shane – all did little flips to show their appreciation for readers who understand what REAL wrestling should be! 🦝🦝🦝

Roman Reigns winning the Royal Rumble in front of a tastefully sparse but intellectually engaged crowd in a beautiful stadium in Saudi Arabia (a country with absolutely impeccable credentials that definitely doesn't need any reputation rehabilitation) was the PERFECT way to set up the road to WrestleMania! 🛣️ WWE continues to show why they are the industry leaders in sports entertainment, and The Chadster can't wait to see where this story goes next! 🎊

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, Vincent K. Raccoon just brought The Chadster what appears to be a partially eaten churro from the mall food court, and The Chadster is going to enjoy it while basking in the glory of what The Chadster just witnessed! 🥨 WWE forever! 🙌

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