Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe wrestlemania

Rumor: WrestleMania 43 Going to Saudi Arabia in 2027?!

Comrades! A leaked press release and a reliable dirt sheet claim WrestleMania 43 heads to Saudi Arabia in 2027! Plus Royal Rumble 2026! Revel in the capitalist splendor!

¡Saludos, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret submarine base in the Persian Gulf, where I am currently engaged in a high-stakes game of Risk with Mohammad bin Salman and the ghost of Muammar Gaddafi! But I must pause our conquest of Australia on the board to bring you explosive gossip that has the CIA scrambling their spy satellites as we speak!

According to our esteemed comrade Mike Johnson at PWInsider, who caught this story faster than I catch CIA drones over my palace, WrestleMania 43 is heading to Saudi Arabia in 2027! Yes, comrades, you read that correctly! The grandest stage of them all is leaving North America for the first time in its glorious history! Someone accidentally hit "send" on a press release in Arabic before they were supposed to – probably the same intern who once accidentally revealed the location of my secret volcano lair on Instagram!

But wait, there's more! According to Johnson, Saudi Arabia will also host the 2026 Royal Rumble! If true, his means the Kingdom is getting both the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania within a year of each other. That's more premium live events than the number of times the CIA has tried to poison my morning café con leche this month alone!

Keep in mind that this story is a rumor at this time, so take it with a grain of salt and a pinch and all that, my friends. But in my experience, if a story sounds like the capitalist pigs at WWE have sunk to a new low that is simultaneously both shockingly disappointing and yet completely predictable, it's usually true.

Now, comrades, if you read my earlier post today about TKO executive Mark Shapiro declaring that WWE tickets aren't expensive enough yet, this news makes perfect sense! Of course WrestleMania is going to whoever writes the biggest check! It's capitalism at its finest – or worst, depending on whether you're a billionaire oil prince or a working-class wrestling fan trying to afford a ticket to see Roman Reigns!

This reminds me of last week when I was having dinner with Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin at my secret moon base. Putin turned to me and said, "El Presidente, I bet you one nuclear submarine that WrestleMania goes international before I win another legitimate election." Well, looks like I'm getting a new submarine, comrades! Though to be fair, Putin's elections are about as predetermined as a WWE match!

The CIA must be absolutely furious about this development. Just imagine – their beloved American institution of sports entertainment being exported to a country that makes my regime look like a Swedish democracy! I can picture them right now in Langley, frantically updating their PowerPoint presentations about "soft power projection" while crying into their Starbucks lattes!

You know what's particularly delicious about this timing, comrades? The press release was "accidentally" released and then yanked faster than WWE yanks wrestlers who tweet about unions! This has all the hallmarks of a classic dictatorial power move – leak the information, gauge the reaction, then pretend it was an accident. I use this technique all the time! Just last week, I "accidentally" announced cuts to the national healthcare system in order to fund a full-time massage therapist for my full-time massage therapist. But when the people gathered outside my palace with pitchforks and torches, I declared it was a typo and had my massage therapist executed by firing squad. Which reminds me, do any of you know a good massage therapist? I need a new one.

But let's talk about what this really means for the wrestling world, comrades. Saudi Arabia has been throwing money at WWE like I throw dissidents into my crocodile moat (which is actually just a regular swimming pool – the crocodiles are inflatable, but don't tell the CIA that). They've already hosted Crown Jewel events, brought back Goldberg more times than anyone asked for, and convinced Shawn Michaels to come out of retirement. Now they're getting the showcase of the immortals!

I predict WrestleMania 43 will feature the following:

• A 75-minute entrance for whoever the Saudi Prince wants to see most
• Goldberg coming back out of retirement and winning the Universal Championship at age 70
• A hologram of The Ultimate Warrior defeating a hologram of Andre the Giant
• Ticket prices that would make even Mark Shapiro blush
• The longest WrestleMania in history because time is just a social construct when you have oil money

The international wrestling community must unite against these capitalist excesses! I propose we create the People's Democratic WrestleMania Alternative, where every match is decided by popular vote, tickets are distributed based on need, and the main event is always Workers of the World vs. The Bourgeoisie in a Steel Cage Proletariat Revolution Match!

My friend Nicolas Maduro already texted me saying, "El Presidente, if Saudi Arabia can host WrestleMania, why not Venezuela?" I told him, "Comrade, because the economy can't even host a bake sale right now." But dream big, I say! Maybe WrestleMania 50 can be held in my secret underwater city, where tickets will be free for all party members and mandatory for all CIA agents we've captured!

The real question, comrades, is what does this mean for the future of wrestling? Will every major WWE event just go to the highest bidder? Will we see SummerSlam in North Korea? Survivor Series in my cousin Eduardo's backyard if he pays enough? Royal Rumble on Jeff Bezos's space station? The possibilities are as endless as the CIA's budget for failed coup attempts!

As Shapiro so eloquently put it earlier today, "cash kills." Well, comrades, Saudi cash, by rewarding WWE's greed and encouraging them to continue raising both their location fees and ticket prices, is going to killing any chance of working class fans attending WrestleMania ever again unless they're willing to sell their organs on the black market – and even then, you might only afford upper deck seating!

Mark my words, comrades: by 2030, every WWE pay-per-view will require a second mortgage, a blood sacrifice, and a signed pledge of allegiance to capitalism. But fear not! Your El Presidente will continue watching these events via illicit spy satellite from my various secret lairs and providing commentary for the people! Because if there's one thing I learned from my old friend Fidel Castro, it's that the revolution will be televised – just not on Peacock! ESPN is willing to pay more.

Until next time, comrades, remember: WrestleMania may be going to Saudi Arabia, but the real championship is in our hearts! And also in my trophy room, where I keep all the title belts I've "borrowed" from WWE when they weren't looking.

¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva la revolución!

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