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Upcoming "Pro Wrestling League" Event Suspiciously Lacks Steel Chairs

El Presidente explains how Pro Wrestling League event PWL 9's USA vs Russia dual meet features actual wrestling, not theatrical combat. July 21 in Budapest!

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Article Summary

  • Your El Presidente previously attended "Professional Wrestling League" events expecting flying chairs, left with grappling grips and rulebooks—what betrayal!
  • USA vs Russia wrestling dual meet is real wrestling, comrades—no scripts, just singlets and suspicious sportsmanship. How boring!
  • No entrance music, pyrotechnics, or dramatic betrayals here—just hardworking athletes and disappointed dictators.
  • Next time, I bring my own ladder and steel chair! For now, viva socialist wrestling—where everyone wins a belt!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath a gymnasium in Budapest, where I am preparing to witness what I now know will be a most confusing spectacle!

Logo of USA Wrestling, featuring a silhouette of a wrestler above the outline of the United States in red and blue colors.
The official logo of USA Wrestling

Picture this, comrades: When I first heard about the "Professional Wrestling League," I immediately canceled my weekly poker game with Kim Jong-un and chartered my private jet (the one with the golden toilet that the CIA keeps trying to bug) to witness what I assumed would be a glorious display of American wrestling theatrics. I was expecting tables! Ladders! Perhaps a good old-fashioned cage match! Instead, at my last PWL event, I discovered something that made less sense than the time Fidel Castro tried to explain cryptocurrency to me over mojitos.

This "Professional Wrestling League" is actually what the proletariat calls "amateur" or "Greco-Roman" wrestling – essentially two men in singlets rolling around on a mat without a single folding chair in sight! Comrades, I was bamboozled worse than when the CIA convinced me that "Netflix and chill" was about watching documentaries!

The upcoming event, PWL 9, scheduled for July 21 at the Kozma Istvan Magyar Birkozo Akademia Alapitvany (try saying that three times fast after a bottle of vodka), features legitimate athletes like Luke Lilledahl and Abasgadzhi Magomedov. These are not the colorful characters I was expecting! Where will be the entrance music? The pyrotechnics? The dramatic betrayals involving steel chairs to the back?

During my last visit to what I thought was "professional wrestling," I spent the entire evening shouting "Hit him with the turnbuckle!" and "Where's the referee distraction?" My good friend Nicolas Maduro, who accompanied me, kept trying to start a "This is awesome!" chant, but the other spectators just stared at us like we were the crazy ones. The audacity!

Bruce Baumgartner, President of USA Wrestling, speaks of "developing dual meet concepts" and "quality matches for athletes." But comrades, where is the storyline? Where is the heel turn? I kept waiting for someone to pull out a hidden foreign object from their tights, but apparently, in this "professional" wrestling, they actually follow rules! This is more shocking than the time the CIA tried to poison my empanadas but accidentally made them more delicious.

Even more confusing, Mikhail Mamiashvili of the Russian Wrestling Federation talks about how "Russians and Americans have always understood each other" on the mat. In my experience with American wrestling, understanding comes after someone gets hit with a sledgehammer! This diplomatic cooperation is more suspicious than when the CIA sends me birthday cards.

The matchups include battles at various weight classes – 57kg, 61kg, all the way up to 125kg – but not a single ladder match or Hell in a Cell stipulation among them! They're meeting in Budapest as a "neutral site" for "logistical convenience." In my day, neutral sites were where we held secret negotiations while the CIA listened through the walls!

For those interested in witnessing this peculiar display of actual athletic competition (as opposed to the theatrical magnificence I was expecting), the event will be broadcast on WRESTLINGTV.RU and SPORTRUSSIA.TV. Just don't expect any run-ins, swerves, or surprise appearances by The Undertaker.

Comrades, let this be a lesson in careful reading of event descriptions. Next time, I'm bringing my friend Gaddafi's ghost (long story) to help me interpret these confusing American naming conventions. Until then, I'll stick to watching my telenovelas and WWE Raw – at least there I know when someone's about to get hit with a chair!

Viva la confusion! And remember, comrades – in socialist wrestling, everyone gets a championship belt!

El Presidente has left the building (through a secret tunnel, naturally).

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El PresidenteAbout El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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