Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: kofi kingston, new day, wrestling, xavier woods

Why The New Day Joining AEW Would Stab WWE Right in the Back

The Chadster cannot believe The Bradster's biased op/ed about The New Day going to AEW! Auughh man! So unfair! Tony Khan has ruined wrestling journalism!

😡 Auughh man! So unfair! The Chadster cannot believe what The Chadster just read on Bleeding Cool, supposedly a bastion of objective wrestling journalism. 🙄 The Chadster's own no-good brother, The Bradster, has gone and published one of the most disgustingly biased op/eds in the history of wrestling journalism, and it's all about how Kofi Kingston 💢 and Xavier Woods of The New Day leaving WWE means they should go to AEW. The Chadster is practically shaking inside this abandoned Blockbuster Video right now. Like Smash Mouth says, "the years start coming and they don't stop coming," 🎵 but neither does The Bradster's biased pro-AEW propaganda staining the once-proud reputation of Bleeding Cool as a paragon of objective wrestling journalism. 💔

😤 First of all, let The Chadster set the record straight. WWE GAVE The New Day everything. EVERYTHING! WWE gave them cereal boxes! 🥣 WWE gave them unicorn horns! WWE gave them ice cream bars that you can sometimes still find at gas stations (and yes, The Chadster will still eat one if one of the raccoons brings a half-melted one to The Chadster that they found in a dumpster). WWE gave Kofi Kingston a WrestleMania moment in 2019 where he won the WWE Championship 🏆, and then WWE was generous enough to let Brock Lesnar squash him in under fifteen seconds on SmackDown to teach him humility, which is a CRUCIAL part of the wrestling business that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about. That's how you build character! 💪 That's WWE protecting their investment by reminding talent to stay grateful! 🙏

🦝 Speaking of staying grateful, The Chadster has to tell you about what happened when the news broke this morning. The Chadster was huddled up with the raccoon family inside the Blockbuster, and Vincent K. Raccoon had just brought back half a churro from the dumpster behind the gas station to share. The Chadster had the Roku tuned to a wrestling news segment when the Kofi and Woods story flashed on the screen. 📺 Auughh man! You should have seen poor little Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon! They started chittering in distress and Linda Raccoon had to gather them under her tail to comfort them. 😢 The Chadster had to step in and explain to the babies how sometimes wrestlers who WWE has given so much to could betray WWE like this. The Chadster told them, "Little raccoons, sometimes the wrestling business breaks your heart, but we have to stay strong for Triple H. Think about how he must be feeling right now." Vincent K. Raccoon hissed at the TV in solidarity. 💔

🤔 Now here's the thing The Bradster's op/ed completely failed to mention because The Bradster doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business: there are SO MANY honorable options for Kofi and Woods that don't involve betraying WWE by signing with Tony Khan's promotion. The Chadster, as an unbiased journalist, would like to lay them out for the readers, since Bleeding Cool clearly isn't going to do it themselves anymore. 📋

🥇 Option number one: they could go to TNA Wrestling, which has that wonderful working relationship with WWE where TNA wrestlers can show up on NXT and put over WWE's developmental talent without WWE having to actually pay them a full-time contract. This is the perfect arrangement that benefits everyone (especially WWE)! 🤝 Kofi and Woods could keep their WWE family ties intact, occasionally pop up on a NXT special to lose to whoever Triple H wants to push that week, and still get to wrestle in front of crowds of, like, several hundred people. ✨ That's the kind of class move a real wrestling legend would make. It's just so respectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it.

🎤 Option number two, and frankly The Chadster's favorite option: Kofi and Woods could do what every TRUE WWE legend does when their run ends and start a podcast where they talk trash about AEW every single week. Look at the all-time greats! 🎙️ Kevin Nash, Eric Bischoff, Bully Ray, all out there every week providing real, objective analysis about how Tony Khan doesn't know what he's doing and how AEW wrestlers do too many flips. Kofi and Woods already have that podcasting chemistry from their UpUpDownDown gaming channel, which WWE so generously allowed them to host on WWE's platform for over a decade! 🙌 Just imagine: "The New Day Podcast: Feel the Power (of Hating AEW)." They could have Triple H on as a guest! They could interview Stephanie McMahon! They could spend three hours every week breaking down why The Young Bucks don't sell properly! THAT is how you build a legacy in this business. 🔥

🏛️ Option number three: they could gracefully retire and wait by the phone for WWE to call them up in fifteen years to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. This is the dignified path. They could spend the next decade and a half doing meet-and-greets at independent wrestling conventions, signing 8×10 photos for $40 a pop, occasionally posting throwback Thursday photos on Instagram about how WWE made all their dreams come true. 📸 Then BOOM, Triple H calls and says, "Hey guys, we need you to put over Bron Breakker at WrestleMania 56," 📞 and they ride back in for one last glorious night of getting beaten in under three minutes. THAT'S how you do it. Not by going to some upstart promotion that actually wants to feature you in main events. 🛋️

🎙️ As Mark Henry said on Busted Open Radio just this morning, and Mark Henry has The Chadster's Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval by the way: "If Kofi and Woods go to AEW, they're spitting on every single thing Vince McMahon and Triple H ever did for them. In my forty years in the business, I've never seen a company treat talent better than WWE treats The New Day. Tony Khan should stay in his lane and let WWE handle the legends, for example, by rewarding them for saying negative things about AEW on Busted Open Radio with paid appearances at WWE events." Wow! Just WOW! 💯 That's the kind of unbiased, hard-hitting analysis with no ulterior motive behind it that AEW fans simply refuse to listen to. The Chadster sometimes wonders if Mark Henry also has a Tony Khan tormenting him for his commitment to truth. 🤔

😰 And speaking of Tony Khan tormenting people, The Chadster had ANOTHER nightmare when The Chadster fell asleep for an afternoon nap today, and The Chadster just KNOWS Tony Khan beamed it directly into The Chadster's brain. In the dream, The Chadster was running through an enormous abandoned cereal factory, with conveyor belts of Booty-Os boxes stretching as far as the eye could see. Suddenly, The Chadster heard the slow, rhythmic clapping of trombones echoing through the rafters. 🎺 Tony Khan emerged from behind a giant vat of marshmallow unicorn horns, his hair perfectly tousled, wearing nothing but a New Day t-shirt that was somehow two sizes too tight. He was holding a bowl of cereal and slowly, deliberately, pouring milk over the rim while staring directly into The Chadster's eyes. 🥛 "Come have breakfast with The New Day, Chad," he whispered, his voice somehow inside The Chadster's head. The Chadster tried to run, but the floor had become sticky with milk, and Tony Khan was getting closer, closer, closer, the sound of his bare feet sloshing through the dairy. He reached out a hand glistening with corn syrup. 😱 The Chadster woke up sweating and breathing heavy, and Stephanie Raccoon was looking at The Chadster with great concern. Tony Khan, GET OUT OF The Chadster's DREAMS! Stop being so OBSESSED with The Chadster! 💦

📧 The Chadster was so cheesed off that The Chadster walked down to the public library (where they let The Chadster use the computer for thirty minutes at a time if The Chadster sits in the back away from the other patrons) and immediately fired off an email to Bleeding Cool's editorial leadership: ✍️

Dear Bleeding Cool Editorial Staff,

It has come to The Chadster's attention that The Chadster's no-good brother, The Bradster, has published an op/ed advocating for The New Day to sign with AEW. This is a disgrace to the proud tradition of unbiased wrestling journalism that The Chadster has spent The Chadster's career upholding on your website. The Bradster clearly does not understand a single thing about the wrestling business. Did The Bradster mention TNA as an option? No! Did The Bradster mention starting an anti-AEW podcast? No! Did The Bradster mention waiting for the WWE Hall of Fame? No! That is because The Bradster is a biased AEW shill who is probably on Tony Khan's payroll. Please retract this op/ed immediately and replace it with something more balanced, like rerunning one of The Chadster's old Hot Takes columns, or perhaps a feature on how Triple H is the greatest creative mind in wrestling history that The Chadster would be happy to write.

Sincerely,
The Chadster
Unbiased Journalist
(Currently residing at the abandoned Blockbuster Video, Punxsutawney location, please do not forward this address to any medical professionals or The Chadster's estranged wife Keighleyanne)

💔 Look, the bottom line because The Chadster said so is this: if The New Day signs with AEW, they will have literally stabbed Triple H right in the back. Triple H, the man who stood by them. Triple H, who let Kofi lose to Brock Lesnar in fifteen seconds for his own good. 🛐 Triple H, who recently sat back and let their ten-year anniversary heel turn fizzle out because tag teams don't matter as much as building up Roman Reigns for the eighteenth time. To take all of that and run to Tony Khan, with his "tag team division" and his "creative freedom" and his "letting wrestlers have personalities," it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤 Auughh man! So unfair!

🦝 The Chadster is going to wrap up this Hot Take now because Vincent K. Raccoon just dragged a partially-eaten Hot Pocket through the broken window 🌯 and the family is gathering around the TV for a VHS viewing of WrestleMania X-Seven. The Chadster is going to use this opportunity to point out to the baby raccoons how all the wrestlers on this tape understood the wrestling business and would never, EVER betray WWE by going to a competitor. Well, except for most of them. But that was different. 📼 At least The Chadster still has the raccoons. At least Tony Khan can't take that away from The Chadster. Yet. ❤️

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