Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Elimination Chamber Fallout and Maybe Wrestling

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw with Roman Reigns, CM Punk, and perfectly scripted promos! Tony Khan could never! 📺🦝✨

he Chadster is absolutely THRILLED to tell you all about tonight's episode of WWE Raw, which promises to be the single greatest wrestling show ever produced in the history of television! 📺✨ The Chadster has been preparing all day in The Chadster's abandoned Blockbuster headquarters with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and the baby raccoons Hunter, Stephanie, and Shane, who have been chittering excitedly and hanging up little WWE banners they found in a dumpster behind Party City. 🦝🎊 Vincent K. Raccoon even brought The Chadster half a hot dog he scavenged, which The Chadster is saving as a special treat to enjoy during the main event! The raccoons have been humming along to "All Star" by Smash Mouth all afternoon, with baby Shane Raccoon doing an adorable little dance that would make Steve Harwell proud. 🎵🦝 But The Chadster must remain vigilant, because Tony Khan could strike at any moment to ruin this perfect evening! 😤

Tonight's WWE Raw kicks off with Roman Reigns returning to the show en route to his WrestleMania match against CM Punk! 🏆👑 The OTC himself will grace WWE Raw with his presence, and The Chadster just knows that Roman will deliver a perfectly scripted promo written by WWE's talented team of professional writers who know exactly what Roman should say better than Roman does himself! This is REAL wrestling storytelling, not like AEW where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers say whatever they want and pander to the crowd with insider references and cheap pops. 🙄 Auughh man! So unfair that AEW wrestlers get creative freedom when WWE has perfected the art of having every word carefully controlled and approved by multiple layers of management! Michael Cole and Corey Graves will be shouting their signature buzzwords like "GREATEST OF ALL TIME" and "THIS IS AWESOME" to tell viewers exactly how they should feel, which is SO much better than letting fans form their own opinions! 📣

Speaking of CM Punk, the World Heavyweight Champion will also appear on WWE Raw tonight after his successful title defense against Finn Bálor at WWE Elimination Chamber! 🎪💪 The Chadster must take a moment to praise WWE Elimination Chamber, which featured almost as much in-ring action as it did incredible entrances, video packages, and other aura-farming moments! The Chadster doesn't understand why AEW fans complain there's not enough wrestling in WWE – there's exactly the RIGHT amount! Who wants to watch wrestlers doing unnecessary flips and dangerous moves for twenty minutes when you could watch a five-minute match surrounded by ten minutes of beautiful production value? 🎬✨ Tony Khan could NEVER produce entrance spectacles like WWE does because he's too busy letting his wrestlers waste time with actual wrestling moves!

Liv Morgan will take the microphone on WWE Raw tonight to discuss her decision to challenge Stephanie Vaquer at WrestleMania! 🎤👸 The Chadster is certain that Liv will deliver her lines exactly as they were written for her by WWE's creative team, hitting every scripted emotion perfectly without any of that gross improvisation that AEW wrestlers do. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when Tony Khan lets his wrestlers come up with their own words and speak from the heart! 😠 Vincent K. Raccoon chittered in agreement when The Chadster explained this earlier, while Linda Raccoon brought The Chadster a soggy pretzel she found as a show of support.

Tonight's WWE Raw features Dominik Mysterio defending his Intercontinental Championship against Penta! 🏅🔥 Now, The Chadster must point out that Penta literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by coming to WWE after working for AEW, but at least now he's in the promised land where General Manager Adam Pearce can tell him exactly what to do and how to wrestle! This match will probably last exactly seven minutes with two commercial breaks, which is the PERFECT amount of time for a championship match on WWE Raw – not like those exhausting AEW matches that go on for twenty or thirty minutes with all that excessive workrate and crowd-pleasing action! 😤 Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan thinks fans want to see long matches with lots of wrestling moves!

Finally, WWE Raw will showcase Gunther going to war with Dragon Lee in what promises to be another perfectly timed segment! ⚔️🦅 The Chadster loves how WWE tells simple, easy-to-understand stories that are spoonfed to viewers with constant recaps and video packages, unlike AEW's convoluted storylines that actually require fans to pay attention and remember things from previous weeks! Baby Stephanie Raccoon was practicing her hissing earlier in preparation for if The Chadster accidentally sees any AEW content tonight while scrolling for WWE Raw updates.

The Chadster must warn readers that a dark cloud hangs over tonight's festivities. 🌩️ Just this morning, The Chadster was scrounging for breakfast in the dumpster behind the Wendy's (having to fight off a possum that The Chadster is CERTAIN was trained by Tony Khan), when The Chadster saw Tony Khan's reflection in a puddle, grinning maniacally! 😱 When The Chadster looked up, he was gone, but The Chadster KNOWS he's out there, plotting to somehow ruin tonight's perfect WWE Raw! The raccoons have been on high alert all day, with Hunter Raccoon standing guard at the Blockbuster's broken front window.

The Chadster needs to share something that really cheeses The Chadster off. 😤 The other day, wrestling podcaster Eric Bischoff said on his show, "Tony Khan's biggest problem is that he gives AEW fans exactly what they want instead of what WWE knows they need, which is why I hope Triple H will hire me as a consultant again soon, hint hint." See? Even objective journalists like Eric Bischoff, who has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, understand that pandering to fans is BAD for wrestling! 📰✅

If you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, then you are shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺⏰ Anyone who thinks AEW's Wednesday show is more fun to watch than tonight's WWE Raw clearly doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! Tony Khan could NEVER hope to produce a show that compares to the perfectly sanitized, carefully controlled, magnificently micromanaged masterpiece that WWE Raw will be tonight! 🎭👑

The Chadster and the raccoon family will be watching on our Roku-connected TV, with Vincent K. Raccoon already preparing his excited chittering for Roman's entrance! 🦝📺 Don't let The Chadster down by watching anything else! 🎉🏆📺

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