Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: John Cena's Final Raw Appearance is Now

El Presidente previews John Cena's final WWE Raw appearance from his presidential bunker, plus Becky Lynch defends her title and tournament action!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious bunker beneath the Presidential Palace, where I am monitoring both CIA satellite transmissions and tonight's episode of WWE Raw on Netflix. I continue to fill in for Bleeding Cool's regular WWE Raw correspondent, Chad McMahon, who remains hospitalized since being found on the floor two weeks ago with a plastic bag over his head, having passed out while attempting to enhance his WWE Raw viewing experience. Though, comrades, anyone who has sat through an episode of the show would understand the desire for supplemental oxygen, no?

The hospital staff called me this morning with a most amusing update about The Chadster's condition. Apparently, he woke up at 4 AM screaming that Tony Khan had somehow infiltrated his IV drip with "AEW propaganda juice" and was attempting to brainwash him into appreciating wrestling that doesn't involve perfectly scripted promos and camera cuts every 0.7 seconds. The nurses found him trying to escape through the air conditioning vent, claiming he needed to warn Triple H about Khan's nefarious plot. They had to sedate him with what I can only assume was the same substance I use on my political opponents – I mean, uh, aggressive hospital patients. I wish The Chadster the best in his continued recovery and hope that one day he can come to accept that multiple styles of wrestling can exist at the same time, much like how multiple dictatorships can peacefully coexist as long as they respect each other's territorial claims and offshore banking arrangements.

But enough about The Chadster's mental collapse! Tonight, comrades, WWE Raw presents us with a truly historic occasion – the final appearance of John Cena on Monday Night Raw as an active competitor! This reminds me of when I hosted a farewell dinner for Fidel Castro before his retirement, and we spent the entire evening arguing about whether Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Rock was the superior wrestler. Fidel insisted Austin was the people's champion – the irony was not lost on me, comrades – while I maintained that The Rock's eyebrow raises alone contributed more to the cultural revolution than any promo Austin ever cut. But I digress!

John Cena, after capturing his first-ever Intercontinental Championship by defeating Dominik Mysterio last week, will grace the Raw canvas one final time before his ultimate final match next month. The Greatest of All Time – a title I also claim, though in a different field of endeavor – will mark this momentous occasion in ways that only a 16-time world champion can. Will there be tears? Inspirational speeches? A surprise appearance by someone from his past? The CIA once tried to make me cry by showing me footage of my frozen Swiss bank accounts, but I remained stoic. I wonder if Cena possesses similar emotional fortitude.

The women's division brings us fire tonight as well, comrades! Becky Lynch defends her Women's Intercontinental Championship against Maxxine Dupri live from Madison Square Garden – the most famous arena in all of capitalism! Dupri, trained in the legendary Hart Dungeon, has already defeated Lynch twice, though both times involved technicalities rather than clean pins. This reminds me of my own electoral victories, though mine were achieved through completely legitimate means involving only minor intimidation and ballot box supervision by heavily armed "poll watchers."

Can Dupri capture gold in the hallowed halls of MSG? The odds seem against her, but comrades, I have learned never to underestimate the underdog. After all, I started as a simple revolutionary with nothing but a handful of loyal soldiers and a dream of overthrowing the government, and look at me now – blogging about professional wrestling from my presidential palace!

The Last Time is Now Tournament continues with not one but TWO intriguing matches! Solo Sikoa faces a mystery opponent – mystery opponents are the best kind, comrades, much like how the CIA never tells me which of my cabinet members they've turned into informants. The suspense keeps things exciting! Meanwhile, the returning Gunther battles NXT's Je'Von Evans in what promises to be a clash of styles between the Ring General's methodical brutality and Evans' youthful athleticism.

Gunther's return reminds me of my own return to power after that unfortunate "vacation" I took in 2003 when the Americans got a bit too nosy about my, shall we say, alternative revenue streams. Like Gunther, I came back stronger, more focused, and with an even more devastating chop – though mine involved budget cuts to the education system rather than someone's chest.

Comrades, tonight's Raw promises to be a historic night of professional wrestling entertainment! John Cena's final Raw appearance, championship gold on the line, and tournament matches that will shape the future of WWE! It is almost enough to make one forget about the crushing weight of socialist ideals being undermined by capitalist wrestling monopolies – but not quite!

I encourage all of you to tune in at 8 PM Eastern on Netflix and witness history alongside your El Presidente. And perhaps, just perhaps, we should all send positive thoughts to The Chadster in his hospital bed, hoping he recovers soon and realizes that Tony Khan is not actually hiding under his bed with a stack of AEW Dynamite DVDs.

Until next time, comrades – remember that whether you prefer WWE, AEW, or any other wrestling promotion, we can all agree that professional wrestling is the opiate of the masses, and what a glorious opiate it is!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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