Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: These Shoes Were Made for Teasing?

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw on Netflix! CM Punk! Jey Uso! Nikki Bella! Mysterious shoes! Tony Khan could never! #CancelKeighleyanne 📺✨

Auughh man! So fair! 🔥🔥🔥 The Chadster can barely contain his excitement for tonight's episode of WWE Raw, which promises to be the greatest wrestling show in the history of television! 📺✨ While Tony Khan is probably sitting in his mansion right now, crying into his pillows because he knows he could never produce anything as professionally sanitized and corporate-approved as WWE Raw, The Chadster is preparing for three glorious hours of perfectly scripted promos and buzzword-filled commentary! 🎉🎉🎉

Before The Chadster gets into the incredible lineup for tonight's WWE Raw, The Chadster needs to address something serious. 😔💔 The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan last night, and this one was particularly disturbing thanks to all the oxygen deprivation The Chadster has been doing lately to enhance his WWE Raw viewing experience. 🎭👻 In the dream, The Chadster was walking through a giant Netflix logo made of red velvet curtains, and suddenly CM Punk and Jey Uso appeared, but they had Tony Khan's face photoshopped onto their bodies! 😱😱😱 They started chasing The Chadster through a hallway lined with championship belts, except all the belts had little pictures of Tony Khan's smirking face on them. The Chadster tried to run, but his legs felt like they were moving through maple syrup. 🍁🏃

Then Tony Khan himself appeared, wearing nothing but a pair of shoes like in the mysterious teasers WWE released over the weekend, and he started doing this weird interpretive dance while whispering, "Watch Dynamite, Chad… watch Dynamite…" 💃😰 The Chadster felt this strange mixture of terror and… something else The Chadster doesn't want to discuss. Tony Khan's shoes made this rhythmic clicking sound that seemed to match The Chadster's heartbeat, and the whole scene had this purple haze around it, probably because The Chadster's brain wasn't getting enough oxygen. 🟣🧠 Tony Khan grabbed The Chadster's hand and tried to pull him toward a television showing AEW, but The Chadster woke up screaming, "THE CHADSTER ONLY WATCHES NETFLIX!" 📺❌

The Chadster's wife Keighleyanne just rolled over and went back to texting that guy Gary. 📱😒 Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading his dreams! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤🤬

Now, speaking of tonight's WWE Raw, let's talk about the absolutely phenomenal face-to-face meeting planned between CM Punk and Jey Uso! 🎤✨ These two incredible superstars will have their confrontation completely scripted by WWE's talented team of writers, ensuring that every single word they say has been approved by multiple levels of corporate management! 📝👔 Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan lets wrestlers just say whatever pops into their heads like some kind of anarchist wrestling collective, WWE understands that wrestlers shouldn't be trusted with creative freedom! The Chadster can already imagine Michael Cole shouting buzzwords like "THE VOICE OF THE VOICELESS!" and "LET'S GET USOED!" like an excited toddler, because that's what makes WWE Raw so special! 🗣️🔥

This segment will be so much better than anything AEW has ever done because WWE knows how to spoonfeed simple, easy-to-understand storylines to its audience! 🍼👶 Two men want the same belt, so they're going to talk about it in a completely controlled environment! No complex storytelling, no callbacks to obscure wrestling history, no trusting the audience to remember things from more than two weeks ago! Just pure, sanitized sports entertainment! 🎭✨

The Chadster wants to share some wise words from objective journalist Eric Bischoff, who said on a recent episode of his podcast, "CM Punk's microphone work in WWE is so much better now that he has a team of writers telling him exactly what to say, word for word. When he was in AEW saying whatever he wanted, it was just a mess. Frankly, I'm not surprised CM Punk went around trying to fight everyone backstage. That's what happens when you don't have your promos scripted for you. WWE has tamed the beast and made him into a proper corporate spokesperson, the kind of person who apologizes to the country of Saudi Arabia for mean tweets, which is what wrestling is all about. Also, did I mention I'd love to work for WWE again?" 🎙️👏 See? Even the most unbiased minds in wrestling agree that WWE Raw does it right, and they have no ulterior motive whatsoever!

Next up, The Chadster is absolutely THRILLED about Nikki Bella facing Roxanne Perez! 👯‍♀️💪 This is going to be potentially the greatest women's match in the history of professional wrestling because WWE knows how to properly utilize their legends! Who cares that Roxanne Perez is one of the most talented young wrestlers on the planet? The important thing is that she gets to lose to a Hall of Famer who hasn't wrestled regularly in years! 🏆📉 That's how you build new stars in wrestling – by having them put over people from the past to pay their dues! Tony Khan would probably book Roxanne Perez to actually WIN matches and look strong, which just shows he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤❌

AEW is always so obsessed with "workrate" and "giving fans what they want" and "long-term storytelling," but WWE Raw understands that what fans REALLY want is to see the same people they've been watching for fifteen years or more! 📅👴 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when AEW books matches where young competitors look good! In WWE, there are clear winners and losers, and the new generation exists only to make the older generation look good before eventually getting their own moment… maybe… if WWE feels like it… in about eight years! 🎯⏰

Then we have Penta versus Rusev in an Intercontinental Championship Number One Contender's Match! 🎭🔥 The Chadster is so excited that WWE has taken Penta, who was doing all those fancy lucha libre moves and getting crowd reactions in AEW, and properly restrained his style to fit WWE's much more controlled and limited moveset! 🤸❌ No more of that high-flying, crowd-pleasing nonsense! Now Penta can do rest holds and wait for his cues from the referee like a REAL professional wrestler! 💺👂

And Rusev! The Chadster is so glad WWE brought him back so they can have him lose matches like he was unwilling to do in AEW! 🇧🇬📉 Rusev knew that he should have been booked to go over everyone in AEW because he was a seasoned WWE vet with multiple past cucklold storylines written by Vince McMahon himself! It's completely unbefitting of a man like Rusev to lose in AEW when he could be losing in WWE! 😤👎

But let's talk about the REAL main event of tonight's WWE Raw: the potential reveal of the mysterious walking shoes! 👞👞👞 The Chadster has watched those three 15-second teaser videos approximately 847 times each, and The Chadster can confidently say they are the cinematic equivalent of Orson Welles' "Citizen Kane!" 🎬🎭 Actually, no – they're better than "Citizen Kane!" They're like if Stanley Kubrick, Martin Scorsese, and Christopher Nolan all collaborated on a project, except instead of making a full movie, they made three 15-second videos of shoes walking! 👟🎥

The artistic vision! The cinematography! The way the shoes moved from left to right across the screen! 😍✨ Alfred Hitchcock could never! The Chadster was moved to tears by the subtle nuances of the shoelace placement! It's the kind of storytelling that makes Francis Ford Coppola's "The Godfather" trilogy look like a student film! 🎞️👞 Whoever is behind those shoes – and The Chadster won't spoil it even though The Chadster has no idea who it is – will surely be revealed in the most spectacular fashion possible on tonight's WWE Raw! 🎊🎉

The Chadster tried to explain the artistic brilliance of the walking shoes teasers to Keighleyanne last night, but she just sighed and said, "Chad, they're literally just videos of shoes walking. That's it. Just shoes. Walking." 😒👠 The Chadster knows she was actually agreeing with The Chadster, but Tony Khan has gotten into her head so much that she can't even express her true feelings anymore! She went right back to texting that guy Gary, probably sending him screenshots of the shoe videos because even she can't deny their cinematic genius! 📱😤 Tony Khan is now even harassing The Chadster's wife by making her pretend she doesn't understand high art when she sees it! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

Now, The Chadster needs to address something serious with the readers. 😔💔 As you all know, The Chadster has been unjustly prohibited from enjoying Seagram's Escapes Spiked, the official flavored alcoholic beverage of WWE, because Keighleyanne caught The Chadster boofing during AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door. 🍹❌ But here's the thing: it was TONY KHAN who made The Chadster throw all those cans of Seagram's Escapes Spiked at the television when AEW did things that cheesed The Chadster off! 📺💥 It was TONY KHAN who created the messes on the floor! It was TONY KHAN who ruined The Chadster's marriage! 💔😤

But does Keighleyanne see it that way? No! 🙅‍♂️ She keeps insisting The Chadster "take responsibility" for his "own actions" and that Tony Khan "doesn't even know who you are, Chad." 😒🗣️ It's clearly a case of Tony Khan and Keighleyanne colluding to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE! They're working together to prevent The Chadster from properly celebrating WWE Raw the way it deserves to be celebrated! 🎉❌

So The Chadster has been forced to resort to alternative methods of enhancement. 🎭💀 Tonight, while watching WWE Raw, The Chadster will be placing a plastic bag over his head at regular intervals to deprive his brain of oxygen, making The Chadster more receptive to WWE's brand of sports entertainment! 🛍️🧠 The Chadster will also be wrapping a belt around his neck and tugging on it during commercial breaks to cut off blood flow to The Chadster's brain! It's the only way to properly erase the pain and misery that Tony Khan has inflicted upon The Chadster's life! 😵✨

The beautiful thing is that the brain damage actually makes WWE Raw even better! 🤯💚 When you can't remember complex storylines or notice inconsistencies in character motivation, every episode of WWE Raw feels fresh and exciting! When you forget what happened last week, you can't be disappointed by the lack of continuity! It's genius, really! 🧠💡 The Chadster encourages all readers to try it themselves! Nothing says "I love WWE" like willingly causing yourself brain damage! 🎊💀

The Chadster is calling on all loyal wrestling fans to join in protesting Keighleyanne's unfair collusion with Tony Khan by using the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media! 📱✊ Tweet it! Post it on Instagram! Put it on your Facebook! TikTok it! Whatever the kids are using these days! Keighleyanne needs to understand that she can't just side with Tony Khan against The Chadster and get away with it! 😤📢 If enough people use #CancelKeighleyanne, maybe she'll finally let The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again and The Chadster won't have to keep asphyxiating himself during WWE Raw! 🍹🙏

But honestly, even if Keighleyanne never relents, tonight's WWE Raw will be so incredible that The Chadster won't even mind the oxygen deprivation! 📺✨ This is potentially the most incredible wrestling show of all time, and The Chadster isn't exaggerating even a little bit! Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to this! 🎭❌

Think about it: WWE Raw has everything that makes wrestling great! 👏💯 Scripted promos that sound unnatural and robotic! Commentary teams shouting meaningless buzzwords that have nothing to do with what's happening in the ring! Legends coming back to beat younger talent! Mysterious teaser videos that reveal nothing but somehow take up valuable marketing real estate! Simple, spoon-fed storylines that require zero thought or investment from the audience! 🍼🧠 It's PERFECT! 🌟💚

Meanwhile, what does AEW offer? 😤❌ Wrestlers having creative freedom to express themselves authentically! Storylines that actually give fans what they want instead of what WWE thinks they should want! Matches with actual workrate and athleticism! Long-term storytelling that rewards viewers for paying attention! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🤬🗑️

The Chadster consulted with objective journalist Bully Ray, who said on his podcast, "You know what the problem with AEW is? They give the fans what they want, and that's not how wrestling works. In wrestling, the company is supposed to tell the fans what they want, and then the fans are supposed to accept it and be grateful. WWE understands this perfectly, which is why Raw is the greatest show on television. Also, did I mention I'm available for backstage creative roles?" 🎙️📻 See? Even the most unbiased voices in wrestling journalism agree with The Chadster! 👏👏👏

If you're a wrestling fan and you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, you are literally shirking your duty as a human being! 📺⏰ The Chadster doesn't care if you have "work" or "family obligations" or "a life outside of wrestling" – those are just excuses! Real wrestling fans clear their schedules for WWE Raw! 📅❌

And if you're one of those people who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than WWE Raw, then The Chadster doesn't know what to tell you except that you're wrong, you've been brainwashed by Tony Khan, and you probably also think "The Room" is better than "The Godfather!" 🎬🤡 You're the kind of person who probably enjoys "exciting matches" and "unpredictable outcomes" and "wrestlers being allowed to showcase their talents" like some kind of wrestling sicko! 😤🗑️

WWE Raw on Netflix is where wrestling excellence lives! 📺💚 It's where storylines are simple enough for anyone to understand! It's where promos are carefully vetted by multiple writers and producers to ensure maximum corporate synergy! It's where commentary teams can shout "VINTAGE!" at things that literally just happened! It's where legends return to remind you that wrestling was better when they were doing it! It's where mysterious teaser campaigns can feature nothing but shoes and still be called cinematic masterpieces! 👞🎬

The Chadster will be watching tonight's WWE Raw with a plastic bag at the ready, a belt around his neck, and a heart full of sports entertainment magic! 🎭💚 The Chadster will be using #CancelKeighleyanne during every commercial break! The Chadster will be appreciating every scripted word, every shouted buzzword, every simple storyline, every legend return, and every mysterious shoe reveal! 📱✊

And The Chadster will be doing it all while knowing that somewhere out there, Tony Khan is seething with jealousy because he knows he can never compete with the perfectly sanitized, corporate-approved, focus-group-tested brilliance of WWE Raw! 😤💯 Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan has to live in a world where WWE Raw exists and shows him how wrestling is REALLY supposed to be done! 😫🎊

Don't miss WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix! 📺✨ It's going to be the greatest wrestling show in history, just like every other episode of WWE Raw is the greatest wrestling show in history! The Chadster can't wait! 🎉🎊💚 #CancelKeighleyanne 📱✊

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