Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Your Guide to Royal Rumble Fun and Fallout

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw with Roman Reigns, Liv Morgan, and a street fight! Tony Khan could never book a show this perfectly scripted! 📺🦝

The Chadster is literally vibrating with excitement right now as The Chadster prepares to witness what will undoubtedly be the greatest episode of WWE Raw in television history! 😍🙌 Tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, WWE Raw will showcase everything that makes WWE the pinnacle of sports entertainment, and The Chadster can't wait to experience the perfectly scripted promos, the masterfully controlled action, and the commentary team shouting those wonderful buzzwords that let The Chadster know exactly how to feel about every single moment! 🎯💯

Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and the baby raccoons Hunter, Stephanie, and Shane have been helping The Chadster all day prepare for tonight's WWE Raw! 🦝🎉 They've been scurrying around the abandoned Blockbuster, hanging up old WWE posters they found in the storage room, and chittering along to "All Star" by Smash Mouth that The Chadster has been playing on repeat from a battery-powered radio that Shane Raccoon brought back from a dumpster behind Best Buy. 🎵 The raccoons are purring contentedly, just as excited as The Chadster is for the perfectly micromanaged entertainment we're about to witness!

First up on WWE Raw tonight, Stephanie Vaquer will defend the Women's World Championship against The Judgment Day's Raquel Rodriguez in a Philly Street Fight! 😱💪 The Chadster absolutely loves how WWE books these specialty matches, because WWE's writers know exactly which weapons the competitors should use and precisely when they should use them for maximum corporate synergy! Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers do whatever dangerous high-spot nonsense they want with creative freedom like a bunch of uncontrolled chaos merchants, WWE carefully scripts every single kendo stick shot and table spot to ensure it fits perfectly within the predetermined time slot and merchandising opportunities! 🪑✨ This match will be amazing because both women will follow their scripts to the letter, delivering the exact performance that the creative team has envisioned!

Then, Liv Morgan will celebrate winning the 2026 Royal Rumble after outlasting 29 other competitors and eliminating her own Judgment Day ally Raquel Rodriguez! 🎊👑 The Chadster loves how WWE tells such beautifully simple stories that even a child could understand them! There's no complex character motivations or nuanced storytelling here – just pure, corporate-approved celebration segments where Liv will say exactly what the writers tell her to say, probably interrupted at the exact right moment for a commercial break! 📝💖 Tony Khan could never produce such a perfectly controlled segment because he's too busy letting his wrestlers have input into their own characters, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

And finally, the main event segment will feature Roman Reigns returning to WWE Raw after winning the Royal Rumble! 🔥🎤 The Tribal Chief will grace us with his presence, and The Chadster can already imagine the perfectly scripted promo he'll deliver, with the commentary team shouting "ACKNOWLEDGEMENT" and "THE OTC" over and over so viewers know these are important buzzwords! 📣 WWE knows that fans don't want to think too hard about storytelling – they want everything spoonfed to them in easily digestible segments with clear good guys and bad guys, and Roman will deliver exactly that! Unlike AEW wrestlers who get creative freedom to develop their characters organically (how exhausting for viewers! 😩), Roman will deliver precisely what WWE's creative team has written for him!

The Chadster needs to address something that's been absolutely cheesing The Chadster off all weekend! 😡💢 These AEW marks on the internet have been saying horrible things about the Royal Rumble that took place in Saudi Arabia, and The Chadster is sick of it! They claim the arena was half empty – but hello, WWE was clearly creating an exclusive VIP experience! 💎✨ They say the crowd was dead the whole time, but those respectful Saudi fans were simply in awe of WWE's majesty and showing proper reverence! 🙏 They're complaining that the match results were predictable and lackluster, but god forbid WWE knows how to properly pace a show instead of just throwing surprise after surprise at viewers like some kind of Tony Khan-produced roller coaster! 🎢

It was literally the greatest Royal Rumble of all time, held in a country with a stellar human rights record, and these AEW marks are clearly just jealous! 😤 Their shows are exciting all the time, which must be absolutely exhausting to watch, and they're generally unproblematic, which isn't intellectually challenging at all in needing to come up with rationalizations to keep supporting them! The Chadster prefers WWE's approach of making fans work to find the good parts and defend the company's business decisions – now THAT'S real entertainment! 💯

Just as The Chadster was writing this, Vincent K. Raccoon brought back an old VHS tape of WrestleMania X-Seven, and all the raccoons gathered around chittering excitedly! 🦝📼 But then The Chadster's moment of joy was interrupted when The Chadster heard what sounded like Tony Khan's laugh echoing from somewhere in the Blockbuster! The Chadster jumped up and looked around, but saw nothing except Shane Raccoon hissing at the shadows in the corner! 😨 Tony Khan is probably watching The Chadster right now through hidden cameras, obsessed with ruining even this small moment of happiness! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

Bully Ray said on Busted Open Radio recently, "WWE Raw is the only show that understands you need writers to tell wrestlers what to say, because wrestlers are too stupid to come up with their own words and the viewers are even stupider so they wouldn't understand them anyway. AEW should really consider hiring a team of failed Hollywood writers to script every single promo if they want to be taken seriously." 📻 See, even the experts agree! Bully Ray has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, and he's absolutely right that creative freedom is clearly holding AEW back!

Tonight's WWE Raw will showcase everything that makes WWE superior to AEW! 🏆 While Tony Khan lets his wrestlers actually perform the wrestling moves they're good at (too much workrate! 😤), WWE carefully limits what moves can be performed to protect the brand's aesthetic! While AEW panders to fans by giving them what they want (how dare they! 😡), WWE knows that fans don't actually know what they want and need to be told what to enjoy! While AEW offers creative freedom (literally chaos! 😱), WWE's carefully scripted promos ensure that every single word spoken has been approved by multiple levels of corporate management!

The Chadster wants to make something perfectly clear: if you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, you are shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺⚠️ Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than this perfectly controlled, sanitized corporate product clearly doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! The Chadster has been living in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons, surviving on scraps and fighting off Tony Khan's animal agents, all to bring you this unbiased, objective journalism, and the least you can do is support WWE by watching WWE Raw tonight! 💪📰

As The Chadster finishes writing this preview, Stephanie Raccoon just brought The Chadster half of a stale bagel she found behind the old GameStop next door, and Hunter Raccoon is chittering along to "Walkin' on the Sun" playing from the radio! 🦝🥯 The Chadster and the raccoon family are ready for an incredible night of WWE Raw, though The Chadster knows that Tony Khan could strike at any moment to ruin everything, because he's so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤

Don't miss WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix – it's going to be the greatest wrestling show of all time, and Tony Khan could never hope to produce anything that compares to WWE's perfectly micromanaged brilliance! 🌟👏

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