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WWE Raw Recap – Settle In for a Long Winter's Nap

We're almost there, folks. 2020 is nearly over. There's just nine hours left of WWE Raw to go before 2021, and we're going to recap three of them here tonight in this very article. Well, these three articles. Gotta stretch the clicks out this holiday season, you know? So here's the way it works. I'll watch Raw. I'll tell you what you need to know about what happened to so you can go online and complain about how much WWE sucks without having to watch the show. You give me a click or three in return. A fair and equitable trade, no?

WWE Raw Recap for December 14th, 2020 Part 1

Costco brand Eminem raps us into another night of WWE Raw. Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton, and Samoa Joe walk us through tonight's card, for which there is an unusual number of matches already booked. Is Vince feeling okay?

Miz is in the ring for an episode of The Dirt Sheet. He's sitting in the ring, with tables, ladders, chairs, and a Christmas tree with some presents, and he has a large picture book called "The Nightmare Before TLC," with AJ Styles on the cover. He reads the book. Oh god, some WWE writer made a poem out of this. How embarrassing. Miz reads the poem. When he introduces AJ Styles, Styles appears in the ring. Olmos is also there. But when he introduces Drew McIntyre, it's John Morrison dressed like Braveheart. Styles and Morrison act out the poem, which involves AJ kicking "Drew's" ass. Styles ends up stabbing "Drew" with his own sword and climbing the ladder to grab the title. But the poem continues, if AJ fails, then Miz will cash in his belt.

Styles doesn't like that part of the poem. Sheamus comes out. He calls the segment slightly entertaining, which is way overselling it. Sheamus gets in the ring and gets in Styles's face. Styles throws a Christmas tree at Sheamus and escapes. He brags about outsmarting Sheamus outside the ring and Sheamus beans him in the head with a giant present. Raw takes a commercial break.

After the break, Styles and Sheamus have a match. The camera spends most of the match doing slow pans up Olmos's body to accentuate how tall he is. Styles wins with a rollup after knocking Sheamus off the ropes when Sheamus nonsensically tries to climb them with Styles on his back while his leg is injured.

An angry Sheamus tries to attack Styles after the match. Olmos hangs him upside down by the feet from the ropes. He gets Styles a chair and Styles beats Sheamus with it while he hangs upside down. Because of how Sheamus is hanging, more often than not, Styles is hitting him with the chair in the dick. Imagine having your dick beaten with a chair over and over again. Brutal. Definitely not PG.

Raw takes a commercial break. Then Hurt Business, walking backstage, bully a "Riddle" fan on the WWE crew eating a bronut. They pour a half-gallon of milk on his head. Sarah Schrieber walks up for an interview then changes her mind and tries to leave. But they call her back. MVP talks some trash about "Riddle." Tonight, MVP will teach him about respect. And he'll teach Sarah about journalism because she could have asked about the other three members of Hurt Business, who are fighting New Day and Jeff Hardy tonight and will kick their asses.

New Day and Jeff Hardy are also hanging out backstage. "Riddle" wants to pitch an idea to them: since New Day misses Big E, "Riddle" will go to the ring with New Day and Hardy to be in their corner as "Bro E." Woof. Hardy and "Riddle" come out with "Riddle" doing Matt Hardy's part of their entrance as the Hardy Broz. New Day come out next. Then Raw takes a commercial. Then Hurt Business finally comes out. Raw is more decompressed than a Marvel comic book. It's a one-hour show stretched out to three hours.

Hardy and New Day have a match with Lashley, Benjamin, and Alexander. It goes on longer than it needs to by about ten minutes. I'd love to tell you who won, but…

We Want Your Clicks

Part one of this Raw recap is over, but the journey isn't done. Click down below to read part two.

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