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WWE Raw Report: The 5 Rules of Raw Underground & The Agony of HBK

Raw is doing its best to sell us on SummerSlam, mostly by ending all the matches in interference so we have no choice but to tune into the PPV just hoping to see a clean finish. It's now time for the third and final hour of Raw, which means it's time for the return of everybody's favorite underground fight club, Raw Underground!

WWE Raw Report for 8/16/2020 Part 3

Raw Underground is in progress. Erik of the Viking Raiders is beating the crap out of a blonde guy. Dolph Ziggler is hanging out with Shane McMahon. McMahon asks Dolph to rate Erik's performance. Dolph gives him a 4 out of 10. Shane thinks it should be higher. Erik wants Ziggler in the ring. Ziggler accepts.

Erik vs. Dolph Ziggler – Raw Underground

• Ziggler tries to wrestle against Erik's strikes.
• Erik seems to be winning with strikes and takedowns.
• But Dolph gets a choke and after an apparently legal eye poke, gets the win.
• Ivar tosses Ziggler into the crowd and Shane is upset. He says Raw Underground will be right back.
• So apparently, eye pokes are legal but attacking your opponent after the match and throwing him into the crowd isn't.
• Got it. I think.

Rey Mysterio and Dominik Mysterio come out to the ring. Looks like commentary was right.

Promo – Rey and Dominik Mysterio

Dominik continues to sell his injuries from the beating last week. Rey says that he's been experiencing pain the last few weeks, at first because of what Seth Rollins did to him by ripping his eyeball out, but even worse because of what Rollins did to Dominik. It made Rey feel rage because he wasn't there to protect his son, stop the beating, and take the beating himself so Dominik didn't have to suffer. Rey says he's not fully recovered from his eye injury and he may never fully recover, but there's no doctor on Earth that will stop him from protecting his son.

Rey says Seth isn't gonna repeat what he did to Dominik because Rey will be in Dominik's corner to watch him kick Rollins's ass in a street fight. Dominik says he appreciates that, but he knew what he was in for when he signed his contract to become a WWE Superstar and he knows what he has to do to defend his family. He'll be ready. They hug. Rey tells Dominik he's proud of him and he admires his determination and will to defend the family name. He knows Dominik will win at SummerSlam, and if Seth Rollins messes with them tonight, he won't make it to SummerSlam.

Rollins appears on the Titantron (with Murphy) and calls Mysterio an idiot. He says Rey is putting Dominik in danger tonight for his own personal glory. It's always been about Rey. Rey is so selfish. What kind of father is he? Rollins can't understand why he continues to put himself and his son in these situations. Rey could have prevented this from the get-go by not resisting Rollins and accepting his role in the greater good. But Rey still hasn't learned. The tragedy is that it won't just be Rey and his son, but the Mysterio name and legacy that will be the ultimate sacrifice. (Good stuff here. Rollins is usually too rambly, but he's focused here and it's working.)

Rey tells Rollins to come down to the ring and back up his words. Rollins says he's got one eye and his kid can't stand up straight. Remember, he asked for this. Rollins tells them not to move an inch and he and Murphy walk off camera. Rollins's music plays. You know, they've skipped a lot of entrances tonight, just starting with people in the ring, and I think that's really helped the show in a subtle way, not only by improving the pacing, but by making the entrances that do happen more exciting. For example, here it extended the tension as Rollins and Murphy came to the ring.

As Rollins and Murphy get in the ring, the Mysterios back out. Rollins and Murphy taunt them. Dominik leans against the barrier as Rey circles the ring and tries to climb in. But it was all to distract them as Dominik grabs some kendo sticks when their backs are turned and attacks. Rey joins in and they send Murphy out of the ring. They beat Rollins with the kendo sticks. Rollins is wearing a shirt though. Rollins and Murphy escape.

Backstage, MVP approaches Cedric Alexander. He stirs the pot about Cedric not getting picked by Apollo Crews earlier to join him against the Hurt Business. Cedric tries to blow him off, but MVP has a silver tongue. He sows doubt with a little dose of truth about Cedric's friends not standing up for him when he didn't get picked. Alexander tosses a water bottle in anger after MVP leaves. Raw goes to commercials.

Tom Phillips shills for Raw Talk tonight, featuring Lana, Natalya, and the Street Profits. Then Shane McMahon welcomes us back to Raw Underground for a match between Arturo Ruas and Riddick Moss.

Arturo Ruas vs. Riddick Moss – Raw Underground

• I think I heard Shane McMahon say the referee is named "Spider." Either that or the timekeeper.
• These two have a brutal striking fight with a couple of slams thrown in.
• Eventually, Arturo works the knee and they roll out of the ring.
• They each knock out a few people in the crowd.
• Shane McMahon declares that was "sick" and therefore the match is over and they both win I guess.
• What the hell?

Apollo Crews, Ricochet, and Mustafa Ali are in the ring. Hurt Business comes out.

Apollo Crews, Ricochet, and Mustafa Ali vs. Hurt Business

• Sorry, but I'm still not done talking about Raw Underground.
• So these are the rules of Raw Underground based on what we've learned so far.
• The first rule of Raw Underground, obviously, is you don't talk about Raw Underground.
• Wait, sorry, no that's actually you always talk about Raw Underground. Please talk about it. Please?
• Oh, this is an elimination match. Lashley eliminates Mustafai Ali.
• The second rule of Raw Underground is that eye pokes are legal, but throwing your opponent outside of the ring after a match is not cool.
• Lashley quickly eliminates Ricochet.
• The third rule of Raw underground is that you can end a match — wait a minute.
• Apollo Crews eliminates Shelton Benjamin. When Benjamin is outside the ring, Cedric Alexander somehow comes out from under the ring (how the hell did he get there?) and pins him, winning the 24/7 title.
• Raw goes to commercials.
• Okay, so the third rule of Raw Underground is that match ends either when you have KOed or submitted your opponent, or when you and your opponent roll out into the crowd and each KO two bystanders, and then the match ends because it's "sick."
• I'm gonna tell you why Raw Underground doesn't work.
• They're trying to this worked fighting that kinda resembles MMA, with the idea being that it will feel cool and gritty or whatever.
• But there are two primary reasons that people watch MMA. One is to appreciate the skill involved in that sort of physical contest.
• the other is to see people get the shit beat out of them, see their faces puff up, their bodies bruise, their blood flow, and then for a killer finish.
• Raw Underground is not providing either of those things. It isn't capable of providing them because it's a work between people who aren't (for the most part) good MMA fighters or even MMA fighters at all. And so it's just going to feel hollow and unfulfilling.
•  Anyway, Crews eliminates MVP.
• Now it's just Lashley and Crews left.
• Crews rallies. He hits his standing moonsault for a two-count.
• Lashley reverses and goes for the Full Nelson, which Tom Phillips informs us is called the Full Lashley.
• Crews escapes, probably after learning it was called the Full Lashley, but Lashley hits the spear for the win.

This was another solid match, which makes two tonight. Hurt Business celebrates as Crews lays in the ring. Benjamin mimes burying Crews. Tom Phillips shills SummerSlam and Payback, which is happening the weekend after SummerSlam. Commentary runs down the SummerSlam card. You can just google it. I've typed enough words tonight.

Shane McMahon talks with Shayna Baszler, Jessamyn Duke, and Marina Shafir backstage. Well, this changes everything I just said, doesn't it? These three ARE skilled MMA fights. Well played, Shane. Raw goes to commercials.

Cedric Alexander vs. Akira Tozawa – 24/7 Championship Match

• Okay, so this is a match that's happening for some reason.
• MVP watches backstage. The ninjas are at ringside.
• Alexander wins with the Lumbar Check.

Shelton Benjamin attacks him after the match and wins the title back. We see a recap of what we've already seen in the last hour from Raw Underground. Listen, the people who are watching at this point in the night are the peopl who obsessively watch the show. There's no need for the recaps.

Marina Shafir vs Some Jobber – Raw Underground

• Shafir kicks her ass and wins on a tapout.

Nia Jax attacks Shafir after the match and takes out Duke too when she tries to get in and help. Shayna Baszler jumps in the ring. It's about to happen, but then Nia rolls out of the ring and runs away. Shane shouts at her as she's leaving, "the only rule is that you have to fight!" Okay, so the fourth rule of Raw Underground is you have to fight. So when is Shane gonna fight?

The fifth rule of Raw Underground is that it's only good when the women are out there, which is actually a rule you can apply to most of WWE. That's the end of Raw Underground for tonight. Raw goes to commercials.

Andrade is in the ring. Zelina Vega and Angel Garza are with him. The Street Profits come out. Zelina Vega poisoned Montez Ford, so now Ford is gonna get revenge by fighting Andrade.

Andrade vs. Montez Ford

• Ford goes quickly after Andrade…
• …but it lasts about 10 seconds and then Andrade kicks his ass for most of the match.
• Ford makes a comeback.
• Zelina Vega tries to distract the ref.
• Bianca Belair comes out and beats up Zelina.
• Andrade is distracted and gets rolled up by Ford for the win.

Short and to the point. Always nice. Shawn Michaels shakes hands and hugs Raw Superstars backstage as he makes his way to the ring. Raw makes its way to commercials.

Shawn Michaels comes to the ring. Of course, he gets an entrance. HBK's entrance is not the one to miss. What sucks is that we could finally get a Shawn Michaels entrance with pyro again now that WWE brought it back… but they can't do pyro at the Performance Center. You should have done this on Smackdown, Shawn!

WWE Raw Promo – Shawn Michaels

Michaels queues up a video of Ric Flair's promo from last week. Michaels then recaps the points from Flair's promo. Michaels says Ric loved performing in the ring more than anybody, and if it wasn't for Flair, there would be no Shawn Michaels, no Triple H, no Batista, no Edge, no Christian, no Big Show, and no Drew McIntyre. And Randy Orton is also on that list. But Orton doesn't have the same gratitude and appreciation for Flair as everyone else, despite Flair mentoring him for years.

Randy Orton feels like he was owed that. Michaels says he doesn't know it will happen, but at SummerSlam, Orton is gonna meet his justice at the end of a Sweet Chin Music or a Claymore, but he at SummerSlam, he will see it coming.

HBK's music plays. Orton hits him with an RKO out of nowhere, exposing his horrifically bald head! Oh god! The humanity! Also, he punt-kicks him, really quickly. McIntyre runs out, but too late. McIntyre tends to Michaels in the corner as the camera pans in on the carnage: Shawn's scraggly wisps of combover hair. Orton tries to attack McIntyre but McIntyre is ready for him. He punishes Orton at ringside and then heads back in to check on Shawn.

It doesn't look good. From the side, you can really see how Shawn has like three total hairs grown really long and brushed back over his shiny skull. Orton runs in again and this time he gets the RKO on McIntyre, putting him out of the misery of having to look at HBK's once glorious visage ravaged by Father Time. On that depressing note, Raw goes off the air.

Overall, I liked Raw tonight. A lot of the Raw Underground stuff is silly and try-hard, but the show itself was paced well. Cutting out a lot of entrances and having shorter matches makes a difference. The show drags less, and with a three-hour runtime, dragging less is good. Tomorrow is Impact, and if I'm feeling frisky, maybe I'll watch and recap AEW Dark as well.

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