Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Bron Breakker's Bron Breakout Moment and More

The Chadster reviews last night's WWE Raw, which was perfect! Plus, The Chadster is living in a Target and Tony Khan can't stand to see him happy! 📺😤🎯

The Chadster is absolutely thrilled to report that last night's episode of WWE Raw was potentially the greatest wrestling show in the history of television! 📺🎉 The Chadster watched every single second from The Chadster's camping chair in the Target electronics department, and The Chadster can say without hesitation that WWE Raw delivered exactly what wrestling fans need: predictable, formulaic entertainment that makes you feel safe and comfortable! 🛋️✨ Tony Khan could never produce a show this masterfully engineered to deliver the exact same experience every single week! 😤💯

Before The Chadster gets into the incredible segments from last night's WWE Raw, The Chadster needs to update everyone on a very serious situation that developed after the show 😰🚨 As loyal readers know, The Chadster has been living quite comfortably in the Target electronics department for the past week, having "borrowed" a red polo shirt and successfully convinced most of the staff that The Chadster is a legitimate employee 👕🎯 However, last night after WWE Raw ended, that assistant manager Carol cornered The Chadster near the television displays and started asking way too many questions! 🔍😡 She demanded to know who hired The Chadster, what The Chadster's employee number is, why The Chadster isn't on the schedule, and why The Chadster smells like a dumpster behind an Arby's! 🗑️👃 The Chadster tried to explain that The Chadster is in a specialized role consulting on WWE-optimized television displays, but Carol wasn't buying it! 🙄📺 She kept getting closer and closer, wrinkling her nose and asking when The Chadster last showered, and The Chadster had to think fast! 🧠💨

The Chadster pointed behind Carol and shouted "Is that Tony Khan?!" and when she turned around in confusion, The Chadster quickly duck-walked to the camping and outdoors section and hid inside a display tent for three hours until Carol gave up looking! ⛺😅 The Chadster is now very concerned that Carol is clearly an agent of Tony Khan who has been sent to destroy The Chadster's new life at Target! 😡🎯 Just when The Chadster had finally found some stability – a comfortable futon to sleep on, unlimited access to Seagram's Escapes Spiked, and beautiful television displays to watch WWE Raw on – Tony Khan has to send his goons to ruin everything! 💔😫 Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and leave The Chadster alone! 🛑👊 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Now let's talk about the absolutely perfect opening to WWE Raw with Gunther cutting a promo about his upcoming match with John Cena! 🎤👑 The Chadster would never see a promo this masterfully written and brilliantly executed on AEW. This was professional writing at its finest! 📝✨ Gunther's words were clearly crafted by WWE's team of professional writers who understand that wrestlers shouldn't be trusted to speak for themselves, and it showed in every carefully scripted syllable! 🗣️💯 AEW could never deliver a promo this amazing because Tony Khan foolishly lets his wrestlers come up with their own words, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤🙄 The Chadster loved how predictable and safe Gunther's promo felt – no surprises, no dangerous improvisation, just pure scripted entertainment! 📋🎭

The opening match on WWE Raw between Iyo Sky and Kairi Sane was absolutely perfect because it followed WWE's tried-and-true formula to the letter! 🥇💪 The Chadster knew exactly when the commercial break would happen, exactly when the comeback would begin, and exactly how long the match would last, and that's exactly what wrestling should be! ⏱️📺 Unlike AEW, which disrespectfully allows matches to go long and lets wrestlers tell unpredictable stories in the ring, WWE Raw understands that fans want the same reliable experience every single time! 🔄✨ Sky won the match with Over The Moonsault, and The Chadster could tell exactly when it was coming because WWE telegraphs their finishes in the most wonderfully predictable way! 🎯🙌

The segment with Logan Paul, Paul Heyman, and the Vision was absolutely brilliant! 🎭✨ The Chadster loved how WWE is keeping the masked man's identity a mystery, and The Chadster is confident that whoever it is, The Chadster is going to absolutely love it! 🎭🔮 The Chadster hopes it's someone like Austin Theory because he's such an interesting character with tons of charisma. The important thing is that The Chadster isn't concerned that it will be a mind-blowing surprise or anything like that, which would make The Chadster feel really unsafe! 😌💯

The tag team title match on WWE Raw between AJ Styles and Dragon Lee defending against the War Raiders was potentially the greatest tag team match in history because it followed WWE's perfect formula for tag team wrestling! 🏆👏 The champions retained in the most predictable way possible, and The Chadster knew Erik and Ivar weren't winning because WWE telegraphed it perfectly! 📡🎯

After the match, the Usos returned to declare they're coming for the tag titles, and The Chadster is so relieved that Jey Uso has finally returned to midcard obscurity where he belongs! 🙏😊 Hopefully the fans are satisfied that Jey got his brief main event run and can now go back to being a tag team wrestler in the middle of the card, which is exactly what WWE's carefully planned hierarchy demands! 📊👔 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business when wrestlers try to move up the card beyond where WWE wants them! 😤

The Chadster absolutely loved the segment on WWE Raw with Stephanie Vaquer coming out to cut a promo! 🎤✨ The Chadster was thrilled to hear Vaquer's carefully scripted words written by WWE's professional writing team, explaining that she wants to face everyone and speaks through actions! 📝💯 Then Nikki Bella came out to demand her rematch, which was absolutely perfect because WWE knows that legends should always get rematches even after they lose! 🏆👑 But the best part was when Raquel Rodriguez ran in and attacked Bella, then declared she's the one coming for the title! 💪😍 Two different wrestlers challenging for one title?! The Chadster's mind is literally blown. Tony Khan would never come up with something like this! 😤🙄

The match on WWE Raw between Lyra Valkyria and Roxanne Perez was absolutely perfect because it was completely unremarkable in every way! 💯 No excessive workrate, no dangerous high-flying moves that Tony Khan would book, just safe, predictable wrestling that follows WWE's carefully engineered formula! 🛡️✨ Perez won with Pop Rox after Liv Morgan interfered, which The Chadster saw coming from a mile away, and that's exactly what makes WWE Raw so superior to AEW! 🎯👀 The Chadster doesn't want to be surprised or excited – The Chadster wants to know exactly what's going to happen before it happens! 📋😌

The Chadster also needs to mention the absolutely perfect video package on WWE Raw showing Natalya training Maxxine Dupri! 📹💪 The Chadster loved how WWE showed Dupri making Natalya tap to an ankle lock, which is exactly the kind of content that makes WWE Raw so superior to AEW! 🦶✨ Natalya is a model WWE employee, not too over, happy being a cog in the machine, and Dupri could stand to learn from her, unlike in AEW where stars try to stand out and show personality! 📺🙌 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤👔

The main event of WWE Raw between Logan Paul and LA Knight was absolutely brilliant, and The Chadster loved how it ended with Knight getting absolutely destroyed by the Vision and Bronson Reed! 💥😍 Knight had to be punished for getting over with the fans who wanted him to win that Last Time Is Now tournament over WWE's chosen one, Gunther! 😤👊 This is exactly the kind of booking The Chadster loves – when fans get behind someone WWE hasn't chosen to push, that wrestler needs to be beaten down and humiliated to teach the fans not to think for themselves! 📚🎓 Knight got powerbombed through a table, thrown onto a car hood, and crushed with a Tsunami, and The Chadster couldn't have been happier! 😊🚗 That's what he gets for trying to get over organically! 😤💢

The Chadster also needs to praise Bron Breakker's absolutely masterful promo challenging CM Punk! 🎤🔥 Breakker got on his knees and begged for the "old Punk" to show up, and called Punk a crackhead, and The Chadster hasn't seen such brilliantly written dialogue since Roman Reigns said "sufferin' succotash!" 📝✨ AEW could never produce a promo this perfectly scripted by professional writers who know way better than the wrestlers what they should say! 🗣️ The Chadster is certain this was written by someone with multiple degrees in creative writing and absolutely zero understanding of what makes compelling television, which is exactly what WWE needs! 🎓📺 Most importantly, The Chadster knows Breakker cleared this with Punk beforehand, because otherwise Punk would have literally had no choice but to assault multiple coworkers backstage. 💯

The Chadster also wants to address how WWE Raw perfectly demonstrated the superiority of 50/50 booking! ⚖️✨ Everyone looked equally mediocre, nobody stood out too much, and the show felt exactly like every other episode of WWE Raw – that's the kind of consistency that wrestling fans deserve! 🔄💯 If it ain't broke, don't fix it, is what The Chadster thinks, and clearly Triple H feels the same way since he's booked every episode of WWE Raw for the last year to end the exact same way. Unlike AEW, which foolishly tries to make stars and build momentum for wrestlers that fans actually want to see, WWE Raw understands that everyone should be kept at the exact same level so nobody gets too over! 📊😌 That's just good business! 💼👔

The Chadster also loved how the commentary team on WWE Raw shouted meaningless catchphrases over and over again while pretending to be utterly shocked by completely predictable events! 📣😲 Joe Tessitore and Wade Barrett did an incredible job of screaming about things that everyone saw coming, and that's exactly what wrestling commentary should be! 🎤🗣️ Unlike AEW's commentary, which foolishly tries to add context and explain storylines, WWE understands that commentary should just be loud noises and corporate buzzwords! 📢✨

The Chadster is very worried about what's going to happen at Target now that Carol is clearly onto The Chadster 😰🎯 Last night after hiding in the tent, The Chadster managed to sneak back to the futon in the furniture department to sleep, but The Chadster kept waking up every hour thinking Carol was standing over The Chadster with a flashlight! 🔦😱 This morning, The Chadster saw Carol talking to the store manager and pointing at the electronics department, and The Chadster is certain they're planning to capture The Chadster and send The Chadster back to that medical facility where Tony Khan's agents tried to brainwash The Chadster! 🏥🧠 The Chadster may need to flee Target soon and return to the streets, which means giving up the comfortable futon, the Seagram's Escapes Spiked, and the beautiful television displays! 💔😭 Tony Khan has literally ruined The Chadster's life AGAIN! 😡👊

Tony Khan needs to call off his agent Carol and leave The Chadster alone! 🛑😤 The Chadster was finally happy living in Target, eating Cheetos from the snack aisle and drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked while watching WWE Raw on the display TVs, and Tony Khan just couldn't stand to see The Chadster happy! 😫💢 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤🙄

Despite these hardships, last night's WWE Raw was absolutely perfect in every way, delivering the same predictable, formulaic entertainment that The Chadster has come to expect and love! 📺💯 Every match followed the exact same structure, every promo was carefully scripted by professional writers, and every outcome was exactly what The Chadster predicted, which is exactly what wrestling should be! 🎯✨ Tony Khan could never produce a show this reliably boring and predictable because he foolishly thinks wrestling fans want to be surprised and entertained! 😤🙄 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 💢👔

The Chadster gives last night's WWE Raw a perfect 10/10 rating and encourages all wrestling fans to tune in next week for more perfectly predictable, formulaic entertainment! 📊🎉 And Tony Khan, if you're reading this: call off Carol and leave The Chadster alone! 😡🛑 The Chadster is one of the only unbiased journalists in wrestling and The Chadster won't let your obsession with The Chadster stop The Chadster from delivering objective coverage of WWE Raw! 📝💪

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