Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: CM Punk and Logan Paul Feud Heats Up

The Chadster reviews an absolutely perfect episode of WWE Raw featuring CM Punk, Logan Paul, and The Vision! But Tony Khan tried to ruin everything! 😤📺

Auughh man! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has to tell you all about the absolutely perfect episode of WWE Raw that aired last night from Rio Rancho, New Mexico! But before The Chadster gets into how amazing WWE Raw was, The Chadster needs to talk about some very concerning things that have been happening lately. 😰😰😰

So The Chadster was at the grocery store yesterday, browsing the Seagram's Escapes Spiked 🍹 (even though Keighleyanne won't let The Chadster drink them, she didn't say anything about The Chadster fondling and smelling the cans at the store), and The Chadster could SWEAR The Chadster saw none other than Tony Khan lurking in the frozen foods section! 👀 The Chadster was just minding The Chadster's own business, caressing a can of Jamaican Me Crazy flavor Seagram's, when The Chadster caught a glimpse of Khan's face reflected in the glass door of the freezer section. The Chadster spun around immediately, but he was GONE! 😱

But later, when The Chadster was driving The Chadster's Mazda Miata 🚗 home, The Chadster kept seeing a car following The Chadster that looked EXACTLY like Tony Khan's AEW-themed Monster Truck! Every turn The Chadster made, there it was in the rearview mirror! The Chadster even drove around the block three times to confirm, and yep, still there! When The Chadster finally pulled into The Chadster's driveway, the car just slowly drove past, and The Chadster is PRETTY SURE The Chadster saw Tony Khan's face in the driver's seat, smirking at The Chadster! 😡😡😡

The Chadster wants to make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that this has NOTHING to do with The Chadster's new wellness routine of oxygen deprivation therapy! 🎭 The Chadster has been putting a plastic bag over The Chadster's head during WWE Raw (to enhance his enjoyment) and during AEW Dynamite episodes (when The Chadster is forced to watch them for journalistic purposes), and it makes The Chadster so much more receptive to WWE's style of sports entertainment while protecting The Chadster's brain from infection by AEW! The brain damage makes everything WWE does seem even MORE brilliant! 🧠✨ But that has NOTHING to do with The Chadster seeing Tony Khan everywhere! The obvious truth to anyone listening to reason is that he's REALLY stalking The Chadster because he's obsessed! The Chadster has made several complaints to the local police, the FCC, and via multiple letters to Warner Bros. Discovery, but it hasn't changed anything! The Chadster is starting to question whether everyone is actually in on it. It can't be paranoia if the entire world is colluding with Tony Khan and out to get The Chadster!!! 😤

Anyway, let's talk about how absolutely PERFECT WWE Raw was last night! 🎊🎊🎊

CM Punk opened the show as the new World Champion, and The Chadster loved how WWE's expert writing team crafted such a perfectly scripted promo for him! 📝👏 Punk mentioned all the right names that WWE's creative team wanted him to mention, The Chadster could tell that Punk probably hasn't physically assaulted anyone backstage in weeks because he's loving being back in WWE so much! The Chadster especially loved when Logan Paul came out, because WWE knows that celebrity involvement is what REAL wrestling is all about, and also because Logan Paul is a personal hero of The Chadster's! 🌟

Then The Vision (Bron Breakker and Bronson Reed) came out with Paul Heyman, and The Chadster just LOVED how predictable and safe he felt throughout this segment! WWE knows that The Chadster doesn't want to be surprised or shocked by unexpected developments! The Chadster wants the same formula that has opened every episode of WWE Raw since 2006, and WWE delivered as usual! 😊 The segment went on for a nice, long time too, which gave WWE plenty of opportunities to mention their sponsors and really let those corporate partnerships breathe! It's just so professional! 💼

Nikki Bella and Stephanie Vaquer lost to Judgment Day (Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez), which was perfect 50/50 booking! 🎯 The Chadster LOVES when WWE makes sure nobody looks too strong or too weak because The Chadster knows that wrestlng is better when the WWE brand is the real draw! Bella continues to deliver exactly what WWE's corporate vision requires, and The Chadster really appreciates how she dropped all of those criticisms she was making about WWE as soon as she re-signed with them. That's called PROFESSIONALISM! 💯 Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just last week, "AEW could learn a thing or two about how WWE knows how to take seasoned veterans and up-and-coming stars and ensure they all have basically the same bland personality so nobody stands out. Tony Khan is too busy thinking about creative freedom to realize that true sports entertainment fans want Superstars who could be replaced at any time without making a difference in the company plans! Speaking of which, if WWE is considering replacing Adam Pearce and bringing in a new GM, I just so happen to be available, not that my desperation for a WWE job has any influence on what I'm saying on this podcast." The Chadster couldn't agree more with that Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 👍

Penta beat El Grande Americano, and The Chadster was thrilled that WWE has taught Penta how to wrestle the right way so quickly after all those years of tainted indy training! 🎭 All of the acrobatic high spots are executed at the exact right moments to prevent any concerning feelings of spontenaity like you see in AEW's inferior product, not here on WWE Raw! It's just so comforting! The Chadster knows EXACTLY what The Chadster is getting every single time! 😌

Speaking of how Tony Khan's inferior product ruins wrestling, The Chadster also wants to bring up another concerning thing that happened yesterday while The Chadster was enjoying this match. The Chadster had just finished hyperventilating with his head in a plastic bag, like any true fan has the right to do in their own dang house 🏠, when The Chadster heard a noise from the kitchen. The Chadster got up to investigate, and The Chadster SWEARS The Chadster saw Tony Khan's shadow moving across the wall! 😱 The Chadster rushed into the kitchen, but he was gone! Then The Chadster noticed that someone had moved The Chadster's collection of Smash Mouth CDs! 💿 They were all out of order! The Chadster had them organized chronologically, but now "Fush Yu Mang" was after "Astro Lounge"! It's obvious what happened here! Tony Khan BROKE INTO THE CHADSTER'S HOUSE just to mess with The Chadster's Smash Mouth collection! 😤😤😤

Keighleyanne told The Chadster that The Chadster probably just knocked them over while stumbling around in a stupor after depriving his brain of oxygen, but The Chadster KNOWS it was Tony Khan! She just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. 📱 Tony Khan is now invading The Chadster's marriage AND The Chadster's home! So unfair that Keighleyanne keeps trying to gaslight The Chadster! 😡

Back to WWE Raw! Dominik Mysterio had a segment with his father Rey Mysterio, and The Chadster loved how WWE made sure to carefully script every single word and gesture! 📋 This is what professional wrestling is SUPPOSED to be! Not like AEW where Tony Khan lets wrestlers just say whatever they want and it feels organic and real! Gross! 🤮 WWE knows that wrestling should feel like a carefully produced corporate product, even when it's a father and son talking, and that's what The Chadster got here! The Chadster could practically see the writers in the back smiling at how perfectly their script was being executed! 👏👏👏

Becky Lynch came out and cut a promo on Maxxine Dupri, and The Chadster was THRILLED that WWE made sure Lynch hit all her catchphrases and branding opportunities! 💰 This is what wrestling should be – a vehicle for corporate messaging and merchandise sales! Not like AEW where Tony Khan foolishly focuses on actual wrestling and storytelling! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

The Kabuki Warriors (Asuka and Kairi Sane) defeated Lyra Valkyria and Bayley, and The Chadster loved how this match felt EXACTLY like the match before it and the match that will happen next week! 🔄 Consistency is what makes WWE Raw so special! The Chadster never has to worry about being surprised or challenged as a viewer! WWE delivers the same reliable product every single week, and that's what The Chadster pays for! 💵

AJ Styles and Dragon Lee retained the Tag Team Titles against Finn Balor and JD McDonagh, and The Chadster noticed how WWE made sure to include exactly the right amount of false finishes and interference spots! 🎪 Not once did The Chadster believe any of those false finishes could be the actual pin because The Chadster knows the WWE formula like the back of his own hand, but just enough to fill time and make sure the match went long enough for commercial breaks and allowed the viewers to look at their phones the whole time and know what's happening without even watching! Sheamus interfered, making sure that Styles and Lee didn't look too strong despite retaining their titles, and The Chadster couldn't be happier! 😊😊😊

However, The Chadster also needs to tell you about something very suspicious that happened this morning. The Chadster was taking a shower 🚿, and when The Chadster wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror, The Chadster saw TONY KHAN standing behind The Chadster in the reflection! 😱😱😱 The Chadster screamed and spun around, but he wasn't there! How did he get into The Chadster's bathroom, and how did he escape so quickly, in the blink of an eye?! The Chadster checked everywhere – behind the shower curtain, in the cabinets, even in the toilet tank! He must have escaped somehow! This is getting out of control and The Chadster is starting to feel unsafe in The Chadster's own home! 😰

Again, The Chadster wants to emphasize this has NOTHING to do with The Chadster's oxygen deprivation routine, despite what Keighleyanne has been telling The Chadster and those doctors she thinks The Chasdter doesn't know she was talking to on the phone earlier! 🎭 While watching the tag title match on WWE Raw last night, The Chadster wrapped a belt around The Chadster's neck and pulled it just tight enough to see stars, and while The Chadster was lying on the floor drooling, he saw Keighleyanne call up the local medical facility and try to get them to come and get The Chadster! Tony Khan is REALLY going too far by trying to get The Chadster committed by his own wife! Why won't anyone put a stop to this?! 😤

The main event of WWE Raw saw CM Punk and Jey Uso face The Vision in a match that ended in a double countout! 👏👏👏 The Chadster LOVED this finish because it protected everyone and didn't give anyone a decisive win! The two guys who fought for the title last weekend teamed up to face the bad guys, and at the end of it all, everyone was in the same place as when they started. This is the beauty of WWE's 50/50 booking philosophy! Nobody looks strong, nobody looks weak, everyone stays in exactly the same position they were in before! It's genius! 🧠✨ And then Logan Paul erased his earlier sort-of-face-turn by attacking Punk, which The Chadster loved because it shows WWE's commitment to ensuring nobody's character ever grows or changes! It's just so corporate and professional! 💼

The Chadster tried to talk to Keighleyanne about how amazing WWE Raw was last night. The Chadster said, "Keighleyanne, wasn't that double countout finish just PERFECT? It didn't advance any storylines or create any momentum, which is exactly what wrestling should be!" 🗣️

Keighleyanne just sighed and said, "Whatever you say, Chad." 😔

Keighleyanne rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. 📱 But The Chadster knows she was agreeing with The Chadster! Now Tony Khan is even making The Chadster's wife pretend she doesn't care about WWE! It's just so unfair! 😡😡😡

The Chadster also loved how WWE Raw announced first round matches for the John Cena tournament happening next week! Rusev vs. Damian Priest and Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Sheamus! The Chadster can already predict exactly how these matches will go, and that's what makes WWE so special! 🎯 No surprises, no dangerous innovation, just the same reliable product week after week! It's like eating at McDonald's – you know EXACTLY what you're getting (as long as Tony Khan isn't secretly in the kitchen drawing the AEW logo in tartar sauce on your filet-o-fish), and there's comfort in that! 🍔

Throughout WWE Raw, commentators Joe Tessitore and Wade Barrett did an amazing job of shouting catchphrases and pretending to be shocked by completely predictable events! 📢 "OH MY GOD! COULD IT BE?!" they yelled when Logan Paul appeared, even though The Chadster and everyone watching knew EXACTLY who it was! That's the WWE magic! 🎩✨ The Chadster loves when commentators treat The Chadster like The Chadster has no memory or critical thinking skills! It goes hand-in-hand with the oxygen deprivation to wrestling so much more enjoyable! 😊

The Chadster needs to tell you about one more thing. Just now, while The Chadster was typing this review, The Chadster heard a knock at the front door. 🚪 The Chadster went to answer it, and there was a package on the doorstep. The Chadster brought it inside and opened it, and inside was a DVD of AEW Dynamite episodes and a note that said "Thought you might enjoy these, Chad! – TK" 📀😱 The Chadster went to grab Keighleyanne and show her the evidence that The Chadster isn't hallucinating, but when he got her back in the room, THE PACKAGE WAS GONE! 📦 The Chadster tried to explain how there being no package was actually proof that The Chadster has been telling the truth, but Keighleyanne wouldn't believe The Chadster. Tony Khan, enough is enough! You're totally OBSESSED with The Chadster and it needs to stop! 😤😤😤

Anyway, The Chadster wants to remind everyone to please use the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media! 📱 If enough people pressure her, maybe she'll finally let The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again instead of forcing The Chadster to resort to oxygen deprivation! It's her fault The Chadster has to cut off blood flow to The Chadster's brain just to make it through AEW Dynamite! So unfair that she doesn't see this! 😤

In conclusion, WWE Raw was absolutely perfect last night! 🏆 The Chadster loved every minute of the predictable, formulaic, corporate-approved entertainment! This is what professional wrestling is supposed to be – a carefully controlled product that never surprises you or makes you feel uncomfortable! 💯 If only Tony Khan would go away and leave The Chadster to enjoy his preferred style of wrestling! 😤😤😤

The Chadster is going to go wrap a belt around The Chadster's neck now and watch a replay of WWE Raw again! 🎭📺 And then maybe a third time! The Chadster needs to experience that perfectly safe, predictable wrestling again! It was just THAT good! 😍

Remember, everyone: keep supporting WWE and stand up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! 💪 Together, we can stop Tony Khan's personal vendetta against The Chadster and restore proper wrestling to its rightful place! 🙏

And Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster KNOWS you are because you're obsessed with The Chadster), please STOP stalking The Chadster! 😡 Get out of The Chadster's house, stop following The Chadster to the grocery store, stop sending The Chadster packages, and STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH THE CHADSTER! 😤😤😤

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