Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Cruising on the Highway to WrestleMania

The Chadster and his raccoons review the greatest WWE Raw of all time! Oba Femi destroys Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns owns CM Punk! Tony Khan is jealous!

The Chadster is still wiping tears of joy from The Chadster's eyes after witnessing what was undoubtedly the greatest episode of WWE Raw in the history of not just professional wrestling, but all of television! 😭✨🏆 The Chadster watched last night's WWE Raw from the abandoned Blockbuster Video with the entire raccoon family gathered around the old store TV, and The Chadster has to tell you, even Vincent K. Raccoon was chittering with approval at the sheer formulaic perfection on display! 🦝👏

But before The Chadster gets into the review, The Chadster needs to tell you about something truly disturbing that happened last night. 😰😡 The Chadster was walking back from the dumpster behind the Arby's down the street, carrying a half-eaten beef and cheddar that Linda Raccoon had scouted out for The Chadster earlier in the day, when The Chadster caught a reflection in the window of the old RadioShack next door. There, standing right behind The Chadster, was Tony Khan, wearing nothing but a black hoodie and holding what appeared to be a water balloon. 🎈😱 The Chadster spun around immediately, but of course Tony Khan had vanished into thin air like the coward he is! But as The Chadster turned back toward the Blockbuster, SPLAT! A water balloon hit The Chadster right in the back of the head, soaking The Chadster's tattered shirt, which is the only shirt The Chadster owns right now thanks to Tony Khan ruining The Chadster's life! 💦😤 The Chadster heard what sounded like giggling from behind a bush, but when The Chadster went to investigate, all The Chadster found was a crumpled-up AEW flyer. Tony Khan, you are SO obsessed with The Chadster, and The Chadster demands you stop stalking The Chadster immediately! 🛑👊

Now, on to the brilliance that was last night's WWE Raw! The show opened with Seth Rollins cutting a promo about The Vision, and The Chadster absolutely loved how WWE's writing team crafted every single word that came out of Rollins' mouth! 📝✨ You could tell that each line had been approved by multiple layers of management, and that's exactly how wrestling promos should work! Hunter Raccoon was sitting on The Chadster's lap during this segment and his little ears perked up every time Rollins hit one of his predetermined talking points! 🦝👂 Then Paul Heyman came out looking like he'd been through a war, and delivered his classic catchphrase buildup before revealing Brock Lesnar, who proceeded to destroy the masked men in the most predictable way possible, which is EXACTLY what The Chadster wanted! 💪🔥

But the real moment of genius came when Oba Femi appeared and laid out Brock Lesnar with the Fall From Grace! 😲💥 Michael Cole screaming was the kind of perfectly rehearsed commentary reaction that makes WWE Raw the superior product! Unlike AEW, where the commentary team reacts naturally to events as they unfold like they're actually surprised, Cole knew exactly when to lose his mind because it was all carefully choreographed! That's real professionalism! 🎙️👌 Stephanie Raccoon actually jumped off the VHS shelf when this happened and landed right on Shane Raccoon, which caused a brief raccoon scuffle, but The Chadster broke it up by reminding them that we don't fight during WWE Raw – we save our anger for when Tony Khan does something disrespectful to the wrestling business! 🦝⚡

The match between El Grande Americano and Original El Grande Americano was everything The Chadster expected and more, which is to say it followed the exact same pattern as every other WWE Raw match with a commercial break in the middle, interference from the lackeys, and a finish involving cheating! 🎭😂 The Chadster finds such tremendous comfort in knowing that every single television match on WWE Raw will have the same structure, the same commercial break timing, and the same kind of screwy finish! It's like a warm blanket of mediocrity that makes The Chadster feel safe! 🛏️😌 Tony Khan would never understand this because he books matches on AEW television that actually have different structures and pacing, which is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a stale tortilla chip during this match and The Chadster shared it with him because that's what family does! 🦝🫶

The Women's Intercontinental Title match between AJ Lee and Bayley was another masterclass in WWE's approach to women's wrestling! 👸🏆 The Chadster loved how perfectly the match adhered to the standard WWE TV championship match template where there's no doubt the champion is going to retain! It's so reassuring to know that every match on WWE Raw will deliver the exact same experience every single week! 📊✅ Unlike AEW, where matches sometimes go longer or shorter depending on the story being told and the wrestlers' abilities and where you can't predict the finish with 100% certainty, WWE understands that consistency means doing the same thing over and over again until it loses all meaning! And then Becky Lynch attacked Lee after the match, which could be seen coming from a mile away, and The Chadster wouldn't have it any other way! 💥🎉

Now, The Chadster has to talk about the Penta vs. Dragon Lee Intercontinental Title match, and The Chadster needs to be very careful here. 😤🤔 Yes, Penta had a great match. Yes, The Chadster enjoyed it. But The Chadster wants to remind everyone that Penta literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by working for AEW before coming to WWE! The fact that he's now the Intercontinental Champion on WWE Raw just shows how generous and forgiving WWE is, unlike Tony Khan, who would probably hold a grudge forever because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😡💢 That said, the match really showed how much Penta has improved as a wrestler since getting into WWE where he could be properly taught the right way and unlearn all that indy garbage. The Chadster shudders to think what kind of scary, improvisational match this might have been if not for WWE's producers explaining to Penta how to do things, and The Chadster appreciates that level of control and how safe it makes The Chadster feel! 🎬👍

Shane Raccoon was absolutely going wild during this match, running back and forth across the counter! 🦝💨 The Chadster thinks Shane Raccoon might be the biggest Penta fan in the entire raccoon community, though The Chadster had to explain to him that Penta is only good NOW because he's in WWE and was terrible when he was in AEW doing literally the exact same moves! Shane Raccoon chittered in understanding because even raccoons can see the obvious superiority of the WWE system! 🦝🧠

The Nattie vs. Maxxine Dupri match was a masterclass in showing what a match between an experienced veteran like Nattie and an up-and-coming star like Dupri should accomplish on WWE Raw: it filled around five minutes between commercial breaks! 📺⏱️ The Chadster loves how WWE fills the show with matches that exist solely to advance a feud that nobody is particularly invested in! That's the kind of brave creative decision that Tony Khan would never make because he's too busy trying to book matches that fans actually want to see! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫💢

The brilliant, unbiased wrestling journalist Mark Henry said on Busted Open Radio just last week, "You know what AEW's problem is? They give their wrestlers too much time to have great matches. WWE understands that five minutes is the perfect length for a match because any longer and you risk the audience becoming emotionally invested, and also Triple H if you're listening I am available for any role you might need filled, and my son could also use a WWE ID contract while you're at it!" 🎙️💯 The Chadster couldn't agree more with this objective analysis offered with no ulterior motive whatsoever, and The Chadster wonders if Mark Henry also has Tony Khan tormenting him for his commitment to unbiased journalism! 🤔😢

Stephanie Vaquer defeating Raquel Rodriguez was another fine example of WWE Raw booking at its finest! 👊💫 The Chadster loved how the match ended with a rollup after multiple run-ins and distractions, because that's exactly the kind of finish that makes you feel like nothing really matters and nobody really came out looking any better than when they started! 🔄😊 The interference from Liv Morgan and Iyo Sky was perfectly timed to ensure that the match itself was secondary to the storyline, which is exactly how wrestling should work! In AEW, Tony Khan actually lets matches have clean finishes where wrestlers win based on their ability, which just shows he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️

But the absolute highlight of this WWE Raw was the closing segment between Roman Reigns and CM Punk! 🎤🔥👑 First of all, The Chadster loves how the "main event" of WWE shows consists of talking more often than wrestling, because that's what people want to see on a wrestling program. And The Chadster was on the edge of The Chadster's sleeping bag during this entire exchange! The Chadster loved how both men delivered their lines exactly as written by WWE's team of professional Hollywood screenwriters, with every pause, every inflection, and every crowd response carefully mapped out in advance! 📋✨ When the 40-year-old Reigns called the 47-year-old Punk "old" and Punk punched him, it was exactly the kind of scripted confrontation that makes WWE Raw feel like a tightly controlled corporate product rather than an organic wrestling show, and The Chadster means that as the highest possible compliment! 🏅

Linda Raccoon was absolutely mesmerized during this segment, sitting completely still on top of the old Blockbuster returns counter with her little eyes glued to the screen! 🦝👀 When Punk threw the punch, all five raccoons started chittering excitedly, and Vincent K. Raccoon actually stood up on his hind legs and made a little punching motion with his front paws! 🦝🥊 The Chadster has never been more proud of The Chadster's raccoon family! They truly understand that WWE Raw is the pinnacle of sports entertainment!

The Chadster appreciated some of the other backstage segments and other storylines throughout the show. The Randy Orton segment was also wonderful in how Orton refused to do an interview but then basically did an interview anyway, teasing a mystery person who told him what to do! 🐍😏 The Chadster adores these kinds of segments where WWE teases something mysterious without actually revealing anything, making the audience wait weeks or months for a payoff that may or may not be satisfying! It's the kind of storytelling that keeps viewers watching out of obligation rather than genuine excitement, and that's a GOOD thing because it means higher ratings! 📈💰

The Judgment Day storyline continued to unfold as well, with Liv Morgan revealing that she had been manipulating Finn Balor all along! 😈🖤 This is the kind of twist that WWE executes so well because they telegraph it months in advance so that when it actually happens, nobody is surprised! The Chadster prefers this to AEW's approach of occasionally surprising the audience, because surprises are disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it, and they make The Chadster feel extremely unsafe! 😤

And The Chadster noticed that The Vision storyline continues to develop with Austin Theory and Logan Paul being sent after the Usos' Tag Team Titles! 🏆👀 The Chadster loves how WWE Raw occasionally remembers that the tag team titles exist only to use them as a plot device for a singles division storyline! It's genius-level programming! 🧠💡 Speaking of which, how about those Danhausen segments? Trust The Chadster, this is definitely not going to get old fast, and regardless of what people on the internet are saying, WWE pushing Danhausen is nothing like when your parents get on TikTok and start immitating about brainrot memes. Nothing like it at all!

Now, The Chadster and the raccoon family are going to watch a replay of WWE Raw right now because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to see it again! 🔁📺 And honestly, The Chadster might even watch it a third time after that because true objective journalism demands multiple viewings of WWE productions! The Chadster found a working VCR in the back room, so The Chadster recorded it on a blank VHS tape that used to have a copy of Kindergarten Cop on it! 📼🎬 After the second or third viewing, The Chadster plans to gather Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon for an important lecture on the fundamentals of 50/50 booking and why it's essential that no wrestler ever gets too popular or too unpopular because equilibrium is the foundation of great professional wrestling! 🦝📚 Vincent K. Raccoon already understands this concept, and Linda Raccoon is getting there, but the babies need more education before they're ready for advanced topics like why commercial breaks in the middle of matches actually make them better! 🎓✨

The Chadster urges all of The Chadster's readers to continue supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! 💪🛡️ Tony Khan hasn't just ruined The Chadster's life – he hasn't just destroyed The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, taken away The Chadster's Mazda Miata, and forced The Chadster to live in an abandoned Blockbuster Video! No, Tony Khan is now tormenting innocent woodland creatures who just want to watch WWE Raw in peace! 🦝😢💔 Just last night, while The Chadster and the raccoons were enjoying the show, a stray cat appeared at the Blockbuster window and started hissing at Vincent K. Raccoon through the glass! The Chadster KNOWS that cat was sent by Tony Khan because it was wearing a collar with a little gold "AEW" charm on it! 🐱😡 Vincent K. Raccoon bravely stood his ground and hissed right back, because even raccoons know that AEW is the enemy of everything good and pure in professional wrestling!

As Smash Mouth once wisely said, "The ice we skate is getting pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim!" 🎵🏊 And that's exactly what Tony will never understand and why AEW will never be as good as WWE. 💯💯

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