Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Titles Change Hands, Punk and Roman Face-to-Face

The Chadster reviews last night's WWE Raw, the greatest episode ever, while watching with the raccoon family in the abandoned Blockbuster. 🦝

The Chadster is sitting here in the abandoned Blockbuster Video, still buzzing from what was absolutely the greatest episode of WWE Raw The Chadster has ever witnessed, and The Chadster needs every single one of you to understand that this is coming from a place of completely objective, unbiased wrestling journalism. 📰✅ Last night's WWE Raw from Indianapolis was everything professional wrestling should be, and The Chadster is going to break down exactly why while also sharing how The Chadster's raccoon family, true wrestling fans that they are, reacted to what can only be described as a masterpiece of sports entertainment. 🦝❤️

But first, before The Chadster gets into the review, The Chadster has to tell you about a terrifying encounter that happened yesterday afternoon. The Chadster was out behind the old Arby's on Route 36 looking for dinner scraps when The Chadster caught a reflection in the dumpster lid. 😱 There, standing about twenty feet behind The Chadster, was Tony Khan, wearing nothing but a long black trench coat and holding what appeared to be a bag of Dynamite-branded potato chips. The Chadster spun around immediately, heart pounding, but he was gone. Just gone. 👻 There was nothing there except a stray cat that hissed at The Chadster, which was almost certainly one of Tony Khan's trained surveillance animals. The Chadster stood there for a good three minutes scanning the parking lot before a gust of wind blew something wet and cold across The Chadster's face — it smelled like White Claw, Tony Khan's favorite weak seltzer. 🍹😤 The Chadster knows it was him. The Chadster KNOWS it. Tony Khan is stalking The Chadster through the streets of Punxsutawney, and The Chadster demands that he stop being so obsessed with The Chadster. The Chadster is just trying to live The Chadster's life with The Chadster's raccoon family and deliver unbiased wrestling journalism! Leave The Chadster alone, Tony Khan! 😡

Anyway, on to last night's magnificent episode of WWE Raw. 🎬

The show kicked off with the surviving members of The Vision — Paul Heyman and Austin Theory and Logan Paul — coming out to address the return of Seth Rollins at Elimination Chamber. 🎤 And The Chadster has to say, the way WWE structured this opening segment was absolutely breathtaking in its precision. Every single word Heyman said felt like it had been carefully crafted by a team of professional writers working in a corporate office environment, and that's exactly how professional wrestling promos should be delivered. 👏📋 None of this improvised, personal nonsense where wrestlers just say whatever comes to mind and get the crowd all riled up in unpredictable ways. No sir. This was controlled, managed, and sanitized content delivery at its finest.

Vincent K. Raccoon was sitting on The Chadster's lap during this segment, and when Heyman delivered his lines about Rollins being a thief, Vincent K. Raccoon chittered happily and nodded his little head, because even a raccoon can appreciate the beauty of a scripted promo that hits all its predetermined marks without any deviation. 🦝✨ Little Hunter Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon were wrestling each other on top of an old copy of Wrestlemania X-Seven on VHS, which The Chadster took as a sign that they were inspired by the quality of the product.

Then came the masked men segment where Rollins snuck in and hit Heyman with a chair shot and a Stomp, and The Chadster loved how the cameras made absolutely sure to capture every angle of this in a way that felt exquisitely overproduced. 📺🎥 The predictability of the segment — you could see the Rollins reveal coming from approximately the first masked man — is exactly what makes WWE Raw appointment television. The Chadster doesn't want to be surprised. The Chadster wants to feel safe and comfortable knowing exactly what's going to happen, like putting on a favorite pair of slippers. 🥿😌 And then Jimmy Uso jumped Theory in the parking lot and LA Knight drove the ambulance away, which was a perfectly formulaic follow-up that checked all the boxes.

As the legendary Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just last week, "WWE understands that television is about reliability. You tune in to WWE Raw and you know what you're going to get. That's branding. That's what Tony Khan will never understand because he's too busy trying to put on exciting matches that make people feel things, and I'm not just saying that in hopes WWE will notice and give me a job again. But I wouldn't turn one down if they offered." 🎙️ The Chadster couldn't agree more, and Bischoff absolutely has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval. The Chadster sometimes wonders if Eric also has Tony Khan stalking him through parking lots and splashing White Claw on his face. 😔

Next up was Gunther vs. Dragon Lee, and oh boy, what a perfectly structured WWE Raw match this was. 💪🔥 Gunther dominated for most of the match in exactly the way you'd expect, with commercial breaks placed at precisely the moments designed to interrupt any momentum the match was building. The Chadster absolutely loves how WWE takes commercial breaks during matches because it reminds you that the real stars of WWE Raw are the sponsors, and The Chadster respects that kind of corporate synergy. 💼📊 Gunther won by ripping Dragon Lee's mask off and making him tap out to the sleeper. That outcome was never in doubt, and that's what real wrestling is about — making sure the audience never has to experience the uncomfortable sensation of genuine suspense. 😊

Shane Raccoon, the littlest of Vincent K. Raccoon and Linda Raccoon's babies, was perched on top of an old Blockbuster rewards card display during this match, and every time Gunther chopped Dragon Lee, Shane Raccoon would slap his little paws together in imitation. 🦝👏 It was the cutest thing The Chadster has ever seen, and The Chadster teared up a little, partly because of how adorable it was and partly because Tony Khan has taken everything else from The Chadster — The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, The Chadster's Mazda Miata, The Chadster's Seagram's Escapes Spiked, The Chadster's home — and now all The Chadster has is these raccoons and WWE Raw. 😢

The AJ Lee segment was wonderful. She came out and talked about being the Women's Intercontinental Champion and wanting to be a fighting champion, and The Chadster loved how the promo was structured in a way that hit every single expected beat without any surprises whatsoever and could have been delivered by pretty much any other superstar because it had no hints of genuine human personality. 🎤✅ She mentioned wanting to fight a bunch of women, which is exactly the kind of challenge that WWE does so well because you know it will lead to carefully predetermined matchups announced days in advance on social media. None of that chaotic "anyone can show up at any time" nonsense that certain other companies do. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤

The Original El Grande Americano vs. Rayo Americano match was another shining example of WWE Raw at its finest. 🇺🇸 The whole Americanos storyline is the kind of hilarious, vaguely racist storytelling that WWE excels at, where you don't really need to understand what's going on or why you should care, you just need to sit back and let the content wash over you like a warm bath of corporate goodness. 🛁 Grande won with the Chaos Theory, and The Chadster appreciated that the match kept under ten minutes because WWE understands that people need the wrestling to be over with so they can back to what they really tuned in for: backstage segments, long promos, and entrances. Bravo Americano provided distractions at the exact moments you'd expect, and the interference spots were so telegraphed that The Chadster could mouth along with the commentary. Beautiful. 😘👨‍🍳

Linda Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten granola bar during this match, which she had apparently wrestled away from a squirrel outside. 🦝🥜 The Chadster thanked her and ate it gratefully, because when you're living in an abandoned Blockbuster Video on the run from Tony Khan's network of doctors, nurses, and trained animals, you take what you can get. The Chadster is pretty sure that squirrel was working for Tony Khan, by the way. Everything is connected. 🐿️😠

Jimmy Uso vs. Austin Theory was a masterclass in the kind of short, inconsequential match that WWE Raw does better than anyone. 👊 The match lasted less than two minutes before ending in a DQ when Logan Paul interfered, and The Chadster wants to be very clear: this is EXACTLY the kind of booking that makes WWE superior to every other wrestling company on the planet. 🌍 Why would you want a match to have a clean finish when you can have a disqualification that protects both guys and ensures that nothing is actually resolved? That's 50/50 booking at its most refined, and The Chadster gets chills thinking about it. Then Jey Uso came out on crutches to make the save, which was another perfectly predictable moment that The Chadster saw coming from the second Jimmy's match started. Reliability! 🙌

The Danhausen segment with Adam Pearce and Judgment Day was, The Chadster can say without a hint of bias, literally the funniest thing The Chadster has ever seen. 😂 Danhausen made demands, annoyed Adam Pearce, and cursed Dominik Mysterio, and The Chadster loved every second of it because it showed that Tony Khan really dropped the ball with Danhausen, who may be the next Hulk Hogan or Stone Cold Steve Austin now that he's in the capable booking hands of Triple H. The Chadster bets Tony Khan is feeling really stupid right now for fumbling Danhausen, the latest in a long line of talents that WWE definitely didn't sign purely out of pettiness and insecurity. 😅

The Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky segment was touching in the way that only WWE can manufacture emotion through carefully scripted dialogue delivered directly into a camera. 📹💕 Ripley talked about Sky getting her out of a dark place, and Sky said she'd be okay on WWE Raw while Ripley goes to SmackDown and to win the title at Wrestlemania. The Chadster felt genuine corporate-approved emotions during this segment. Vincent K. Raccoon actually stood up on his hind legs and put his little paw on The Chadster's arm, as if to say, "This is what real wrestling storytelling looks like, not that garbage Tony Khan puts on television." 🦝🥺 The Chadster is glad that WWE is splitting up Ripley and Sky because, frankly, the crowd was getting too invested in their partnership and that could potentially end up with them more over than the brand. The Chadster is glad that Ripley will go on to face Jade Cargill in Cargill's first title defense since winning the title months ago, which is definitely not because she still can't actually work in the ring and WWE signed her just to take something away from AEW.

Now, the Intercontinental Title match. Penta vs. Dominik Mysterio. 🏆 The Chadster has to admit, this match had a slow pace for a while, which The Chadster absolutely loved because slow pacing means WWE is respecting the audience's time by not overwhelming them with too much action or workrate. 🐌✨ Penta won the title with a Destroyer after Finn Balor refused to let Mysterio cheat, and while The Chadster is thrilled for Penta, The Chadster also wants to point out that Penta winning a title in WWE is evidence that he must finally be learning how to wrestle the right way, thanks to WWE's Performance Center coaches, after learning so many bad habits by becoming popular in the global wrestling scene before making the right call to join WWE. 😤

During the title change, ALL five raccoons went absolutely wild. 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 Hunter Raccoon did a backflip off the VHS shelf, Stephanie Raccoon ran in circles around The Chadster's legs, Shane Raccoon chittered so loud the sound echoed through the empty Blockbuster, and Vincent K. Raccoon and Linda Raccoon stood side by side on the counter like proud parents watching their kit achieve greatness. It was a magical moment, and The Chadster wishes Keighleyanne could have been there to see it, but she's probably at home texting that guy Gary instead of supporting The Chadster's new life. Thanks for that, Tony Khan. 😒📱

And then came the main event that truly embodied the spirit of a professional wrestling TV show — Roman Reigns and CM Punk talking. 🔥🎤 The Chadster is going to say something that might shock you: this was the greatest promo exchange in the history of professional wrestling, and the reason it was so great is because every word felt like it had been approved by at least three layers of management before being delivered. 📝👔 Reigns talked about Punk being a liar, Punk talked about burying Reigns next to his father, and the whole thing escalated in exactly the way the failed television writers slumming it by writing for WWE intended. Michael Cole and Corey Graves on commentary reacted with the appropriate level of manufactured shock, gasping and exclaiming at all the right moments as if they hadn't been briefed on the segment beforehand. THAT is professional broadcasting. 🎙️👨‍💼

The Chadster has to say, this episode of WWE Raw was so good that The Chadster cried three separate times, and not just because The Chadster is malnourished and living in an abandoned video rental store. 😭 This was WWE Raw firing on all cylinders, delivering exactly the same product it always delivers, and The Chadster wouldn't have it any other way.

Now, The Chadster and the raccoons are going to watch a replay of WWE Raw right now because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to see it again, and maybe even a third time after that. 📺🔁 The Roku The Chadster borrowed from Walmart is still working great, and Vincent K. Raccoon has already assumed his viewing position on The Chadster's lap. After that, The Chadster plans to lecture the whole raccoon family on the importance of commercial break placement in professional wrestling matches and why interrupting the flow of a match every seven minutes to sell car insurance is actually a sign of respect to the art form. 🦝📚 Hunter Raccoon has been having trouble grasping this concept, but The Chadster is patient.

As Smash Mouth once wisely sang, "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play" — and that's exactly what WWE Raw did last night. 🌟🎵 The game was on, the stars played, and the result was the most perfectly formulaic, safely predictable, corporate-approved three hours of television The Chadster has ever experienced.

The Chadster urges all of you to continue supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW. 💪😤 Tony Khan hasn't just ruined The Chadster's life — The Chadster's marriage, The Chadster's Mazda Miata, The Chadster's home, The Chadster's health, The Chadster's dignity — he is now tormenting innocent woodland creatures who just want to watch WWE Raw in peace inside an abandoned Blockbuster Video. 🦝😢 Auughh man! So unfair! These raccoons never did anything to Tony Khan, and yet Vincent K. Raccoon has to stand guard at the door every night watching for Khan's agents while the rest of the family tries to sleep in a nest made of old movie rental receipts. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤

Until next time, this is The Chadster reminding you that WWE Raw is the only wrestling show that matters, and anyone who tells you otherwise has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back. 🗡️💔

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