Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Delivers Capitalist Tables, Shovels, and Home Invasions

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown! Home invasions, shovel attacks, and championship chaos. More violent than that peace summit buffet incident!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury yacht currently anchored in international waters (the CIA cannot extradite me if they cannot determine my jurisdiction!), and I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE SmackDown from the comfort of my gold-plated satellite television system!

WWE SmackDown delivered an evening of entertainment that was more chaotic than the time I tried to host a peace summit between rival factions in my country and accidentally seated sworn enemies next to each other at the buffet table. Let me tell you, comrades, nothing tests diplomatic relations quite like a fight over the last empanada!

The Show Opens With Tragedy and Table-Breaking Violence

WWE SmackDown began with a tribute to the legendary John Cena, whose career came to an end at Saturday Night's Main Event after a loss to Gunther. Comrades, even El Presidente shed a tear for The Greatest of All Time! I have not cried like that since I was forced to nationalize my own ice cream company (the needs of the people outweighed my personal love of rocky road).

But there was no time for extended mourning, as Damian Priest came to the ring to pay his respects before being interrupted by Zelina Vega and Aleister Black! The resulting brawl saw Priest driven through a table with a Meteora, which reminded me of the time Muammar Gaddafi and I got into an argument about whose palace had better interior decorating. He threw me through my own coffee table! I still won that argument, comrades, because my palace had seventeen more swimming pools than his.

The violence continued backstage when Black attacked Priest again, this time with a shovel! A shovel, comrades! This is the kind of workers' tool that should be used for agricultural production in service of the state, not for attacking fellow wrestlers! Though I must admit, it was effective. I once used a shovel to escape from a CIA black site by tunneling through three miles of underground sewers. True story!

The Women's Tag Team Division Heats Up

The Kabuki Warriors defended their honor (though not their titles) against Nia Jax and Lash Legend in non-title action on SmackDown, and comrades, what a match this was! Jax and Legend emerged victorious after Jax caught Kairi Sane with a chokeslam followed by the Annihilator. This was a dominant performance that has El Presidente very impressed!

This reminds me of when I formed an alliance with Raúl Castro to take on Hugo Chávez and Evo Morales in a doubles tennis tournament at my summer estate. Raúl and I were unstoppable! Though I suspect we won primarily because I had the referee on my payroll and Raúl's backhand was genuinely excellent. The point is, comrades, teamwork makes the dream work, especially when combined with strategic financial incentives for officials!

After the match, Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss ran in to attack Jax and Legend, which shows that the women's tag team division on WWE SmackDown is more crowded than my presidential palace during the annual "Please Don't Overthrow Me" gala I throw for the military generals!

Drew McIntyre's Home Becomes a Battlefield

Comrades, one of the most entertaining segments of SmackDown was video of earlier this week with Cody Rhodes invading Drew McIntyre's home! Nick Aldis traveled to McIntyre's residence with referees to negotiate terms for a future championship match, but Rhodes was already there, lurking like a patriotic specter!

As all my comrades know, El Presidente knows a little something about home invasions! The CIA has tried to breach my various residences more times than I can count. They once tunneled under my beach house, but the joke was on them—that property was just a decoy filled with mannequins and recorded laughter, a tactic I stole from the holiday classic Home Alone! I watched the whole operation on closed-circuit television while eating popcorn in my real bunker three miles away.

But Rhodes attacking McIntyre in his own home? This is psychological warfare of the highest order! It is like when I sent Fidel Castro a box of cigars for his birthday, except every single cigar was actually a high-quality chocolate replica. He was confused for weeks! "El Presidente, why do your cigars taste like Swiss cocoa?" Because psychological dominance, my friend! Because psychological dominance!

The segment on WWE SmackDown revealed that McIntyre will get his title shot if he apologizes to the referee he berated, but Rhodes cannot touch him or he'll be stripped of the championship. This is the kind of legal maneuvering I appreciate, comrades! It reminds me of the seventeen constitutional amendments I passed last month that coincidentally all reinforced my executive powers. Democracy in action!

Giulia Continues Her Dominance

Giulia made quick work of Alba Fyre on WWE SmackDown as she continues her pursuit of Chelsea Green and the Women's United States Championship. The match was decisive, with Giulia hitting her northern lights bomb for the victory, and comrades, this woman is unstoppable!

Watching Giulia demolish her opposition reminds me of my own rise to power in my glorious nation! I too swept aside all obstacles in my path, though I will admit my path involved slightly fewer suplexes and considerably more campaign promises I had no intention of keeping. But the spirit is the same—identify your target, eliminate all obstacles, and seize the gold! Or in my case, seize the gold AND the treasury AND the means of production!

An Unlikely Alliance Defeats a Legendary Team

United States Champion Ilja Dragunov and Carmelo Hayes formed a temporary alliance on SmackDown to take on the legendary DIY (Johnny Gargano and Tommaso Ciampa), and comrades, they were victorious! Hayes hit Nothing But Net on Ciampa after Dragunov delivered his devastating Torpedo Moscow to seal the win.

This was beautiful wrestling, comrades! Two rivals setting aside their differences to achieve a common goal! It is exactly like the time I joined forces with three like-minded leaders to form a trade alliance specifically designed to bypass American sanctions. We called ourselves "The Cooperative of Totally Legitimate Business Ventures." We mostly just traded recipes and complained about the United Nations, but we felt very unified doing it!

Hayes looked tremendous in victory on WWE SmackDown, and El Presidente predicts big things for this young man. Perhaps a United States Championship opportunity? After all, if a humble dictator like myself can seize power through a combination of charisma, strategic alliances, and a well-timed military coup, surely Hayes can earn a title shot through athletic excellence!

The Main Event Descends Into Wild Brawl

The WWE SmackDown main event saw the Wyatt Sicks (Joe Gacy and Dexter Lumis) defend their Tag Team Championships against members of Solo Sikoa's faction, the MFT's. However, comrades, as I predicted in my preview, this match descended into absolute chaos with everyone getting involved! The referee threw the match out, and a massive brawl ensued with all factions fighting!

This was more chaotic than my annual state dinner, where I invite all the political parties (both of them—I banned the third one for serving bad guacamole at their rally). By dessert, someone is always throwing dinner rolls, and by coffee, the secret police have to escort at least three senators to the exit. Democracy is messy, comrades!

Nikki Cross even got involved in the brawl, and Sikoa was saved from Sister Abigail to close WWE SmackDown. This feud is heating up perfectly, like a fine revolutionary stew! The Wyatt Sicks represent the will of the proletariat, while Sikoa represents the establishment trying to maintain power. As someone who violently overthrew the establishment to create my own establishment, I appreciate both perspectives!

El Presidente's Final Thoughts on WWE SmackDown

Comrades, this episode of WWE SmackDown had everything a dictator could want: home invasions, shovel attacks, championship implications, and enough brawling to satisfy even the most bloodthirsty audience! It was taped in advance so the wrestlers could enjoy their holiday break, which is surprisingly considerate. I give my government workers a holiday break too—they get a full four hours off on Christmas Day! I am told this makes me "one of the more generous dictators," though the bar is admittedly quite low.

The road to the Royal Rumble is heating up, and WWE SmackDown is building toward some explosive confrontations. Rhodes versus McIntyre will be spectacular, the women's singles and tag divisions are full of hungry competitors, and the men's tag team scene is more chaotic than my cabinet meetings after I've had too much rum!

I give this episode of WWE SmackDown four out of five seized means of production! It would have been five, but I must deduct points for not enough socialist ideology being promoted. Why does no one in WWE ever talk about wealth redistribution or workers owning the wrestling ring collectively? Missed opportunities, comrades!

Until next week's SmackDown, remember: the only thing better than watching professional wrestling is watching it while the CIA searches the wrong yacht for you three harbors over!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE SmackDown!

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