Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Ilja Dragunov Returns, Wins Title

The Chadster reviews WWE SmackDown! Ilja Dragunov wins US Title, Wyatt Sicks confront MFT's, and Cody Rhodes brawls with Drew McIntyre! 🏆😤📺

Auughh man! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has to tell you all about last night's absolutely PERFECT episode of WWE SmackDown, which once again proved why WWE is the only wrestling company that matters! 🏆✨ WWE SmackDown delivered everything The Chadster needs from sports entertainment: carefully controlled storylines, predictable outcomes that make The Chadster feel safe and comfortable, and absolutely zero of that chaotic "wrestling" nonsense that Tony Khan tries to pass off as entertainment! 😊🙌

WWE SmackDown opened with an absolutely brilliant recap of Crown Jewel that lasted several minutes! 📺💯 The Chadster LOVES when WWE uses valuable TV time to show The Chadster things that already happened, because it means WWE understands that The Chadster's brain can't handle too much new information at once, especially after all the oxygen deprivation sessions! 🧠🎈 Last night, The Chadster had the plastic bag secured nice and tight around The Chadster's neck during this segment, and by the time Nick Aldis came out, The Chadster was seeing beautiful spots dancing in front of The Chadster's eyes! It's sad The Chadster has to do this, but it's the only viable substitute for drinking Seagram's Escapes Spiked, which Keighleyanne STILL won't let The Chadster have! 😭🚫 Don't forget to use #CancelKeighleyanne on social media, everyone!

The opening segment with Nick Aldis and Cody Rhodes was exactly what WWE does best – having authority figures tell us what's going to happen before it happens! 🎤👔 The Chadster doesn't understand why Tony Khan lets his wrestlers just go out and do things without a General Manager explaining everything first. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 💼✨ Then Solo Sikoa and the MFT's beat down Rey Fenix backstage, which was perfect because it happened exactly where WWE told them to do it, in a carefully cordoned-off backstage area with perfect lighting and camera angles! 📹🎬

The tag team title match between Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss defending against Zaria and Sol Ruca was absolutely FLAWLESS! 👸🏆 Charlotte and Bliss retained the titles after Blake Monroe provided a distraction, which is exactly the kind of finish The Chadster has seen 47,000 times and never gets tired of! 🔄💖 The Chadster loves how WWE uses the exact same formula for tag matches every single time – it makes The Chadster feel warm and secure, like a baby wrapped in a blanket! 👶🎀 And having an NXT person show up to distract someone? GENIUS! The Chadster has only seen that particular storyline device approximately 8,000 times, and it gets better every single time! 🌟📈 During this match, The Chadster had the belt wrapped around The Chadster's neck and was pulling on it rhythmically with each two-count, and by the time Charlotte locked in the Figure Eight, The Chadster was in absolute heaven! 😇💫

Now The Chadster needs to tell you all about the nightmare The Chadster had last night after watching WWE SmackDown. 😰🌙 The Chadster dreamed that The Chadster was Sami Zayn, standing in the middle of the ring holding the United States Championship, when suddenly the lights went out. 🕯️⚫ When they came back on, Tony Khan was standing across from The Chadster, but he wasn't wearing his normal clothes. Instead, Tony Khan was dressed exactly like Ilja Dragunov, complete with the trunks and knee pads, his skin glistening with what appeared to be olive oil. 💦😳

"It's time for your Open Challenge, Chad," Tony Khan whispered, his voice echoing through the empty arena. The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's feet were stuck to the mat like they were glued there. 🏃‍♂️❌ Tony Khan began circling The Chadster, getting closer and closer, and The Chadster could smell his cologne – it smelled like White Claw and poor booking decisions. 🤢👃

Suddenly, the MFT's appeared at ringside, but they all had Tony Khan's face! 😱😱😱 All three Tony Khans started chanting "Seek and you shall find!" in perfect unison while the original Tony Khan in the ring began doing Dragunov's signature gyrations and movements. 🕺💀 The Chadster watched in horror as Tony Khan hit The Chadster with move after move – a Constantine Special that seemed to last forever, each rotation feeling like an eternity. 🌀⏰

When Tony Khan finally went for the Torpedo Moscow, he whispered in The Chadster's ear as he charged: "This is what real wrestling looks like, Chad" 😰💥 The impact sent The Chadster flying backward, but instead of hitting the mat, The Chadster fell through it into an endless void filled with Seagram's Escapes Spiked bottles that The Chadster couldn't reach. 🍾🕳️ Tony Khan's laughter echoed all around as The Chadster fell deeper and deeper, passing by floating images of The Chadster's Mazda Miata being driven away by that guy Gary while Keighleyanne sat in the passenger seat. 🚗💔

The Chadster woke up gasping for air, covered in sweat, with the sheets twisted around The Chadster's body like the ropes of a wrestling ring. 😓🛏️ Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's dreams! The brain damage from oxygen deprivation is supposed to make The Chadster FORGET about AEW, not have even more vivid nightmares about Tony Khan! It's clear that Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he's somehow using his billionaire technology to hack into The Chadster's brain waves! 🧠📡 Someone needs to investigate this!

Back to WWE SmackDown, where things just kept getting better! 🎉📺 The Chadster absolutely LOVED the segment with Nick Aldis, The Miz, and Sami Zayn where they explained that Shinsuke Nakamura deserves a rematch but isn't there. 🎭🤷 This is the kind of logical storytelling that WWE excels at – building up a big rematch for someone who isn't even at the show! Tony Khan would never understand this level of sophisticated booking! 📚🎓

The US Title match where Ilja Dragunov returned and beat Sami Zayn was PERFECT because it means that Zayn's entire Open Challenge run, which built him up as a fighting champion, ended in complete failure! 🏆➡️🗑️ The Chadster LOVES when WWE takes a popular wrestler's momentum and just stops it dead in its tracks – it keeps The Chadster on The Chadster's toes! 👣🎢 And having the MFT's interfere before the finish? BRILLIANT! It's exactly the same finish WWE has done approximately 10,000 times, and The Chadster never gets tired of seeing championships change hands due to interference! 🔄🎉 During this match, The Chadster was pulling the belt around The Chadster's neck so tight that The Chadster briefly blacked out, and when The Chadster came to, Dragunov had already won! It was like a beautiful magic trick! ✨🎩

As the great Eric Bischoff said on his podcast (which has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval 📜✅): "You know what Tony Khan doesn't understand? Real main event booking means having your champions lose all the time to keep things unpredictable. WWE gets this. That's why I'd love to consult for them again – they appreciate my genius, unlike AEW which refuses to return my calls." See? Even Eric Bischoff understands that WWE's 50/50 booking is actually GENIUS! 🧠💡

The post-match segment with The Wyatt Sicks appearing on screen to confront the MFT's was absolutely incredible! 📺👻 The Chadster LOVES when WWE uses spooky videos and supernatural elements because it reminds The Chadster that wrestling doesn't have to make sense or follow any logical rules! 🎃🌙 And then the Wyatt Sicks appeared behind them and the MFT's ran away! It's just like when The Chadster sees Tony Khan's reflection in store windows and runs away! So unfair that Tony Khan is actually stalking The Chadster! 🏃‍♂️💨 Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

The Motor City Machine Guns defeating Los Garza was another perfectly formulaic WWE tag team match! 🤼‍♂️🔧 The Chadster could predict every single moment before it happened, which made The Chadster feel safe and comfortable! 🛡️😊 Tony Khan's tag team matches are always unpredictable and exciting, which makes The Chadster feel scared and confused! 😰🌪️ WWE understands that The Chadster doesn't want surprises – The Chadster wants the exact same match structure that WWE has been delivering for decades! 📅♾️

The angle where Jacob Fatu was attacked backstage was TREMENDOUS storytelling! 🎭🩹 The Chadster especially loved how WWE spent valuable TV time promoting a big match between Fatu and Drew McIntyre, only to have Fatu get attacked so the match couldn't happen! 🚫🤼 This is SMART booking because it means fans who tuned in specifically for that match will learn not to have expectations! 📺❌ And having it lead to a completely different match that nobody was expecting? GENIUS! The Chadster's brain was so oxygen-deprived by this point that The Chadster just accepted whatever WWE told The Chadster to accept! 🧠🎈

The main event between Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre that ended in a DQ finish after just under five minutes was PERFECT! ⏱️👨‍⚖️ The Chadster LOVES DQ finishes because they mean that WWE doesn't have to give us a decisive winner, which keeps both wrestlers strong by having them both look weak! 💪➡️😵 It's the same kind of brilliant booking that WWE has been doing for 30+ years, and it never fails to satisfy The Chadster's need for non-conclusions! 🔄🎉 During this match, The Chadster had the plastic bag back on and was hyperventilating into it, which created a wonderful recycled carbon dioxide experience that made The Chadster appreciate WWE's recycled storylines even more! 🎈🔄

The post-match brawl that ended WWE SmackDown was absolutely FLAWLESS! 🤜💥🤛 The Chadster has seen this exact same ending approximately 47,000 times on WWE programming, and it gets better EVERY SINGLE TIME! 🔄💯 Tony Khan would probably try to do something different or innovative, which would just confuse The Chadster! 🤔❌ WWE understands that The Chadster wants the same show-ending brawl every single week, with security guards getting knocked down and announcers screaming about how things are "out of control!" 📢🚨

The entire episode of WWE SmackDown was a masterclass in professional wrestling entertainment! 🎓📺 From the opening recap that ate up valuable TV time, to the multiple segments where authority figures explained things, to the completely predictable match outcomes that made The Chadster feel warm and fuzzy inside, WWE SmackDown delivered everything a wrestling fan could want! 🎁💖 Every match had a commercial break at exactly the same time, every segment was perfectly scripted by professional writers who know better than the wrestlers, and every storyline development was telegraphed weeks in advance so The Chadster could prepare mentally! 🧠📋✨

The Chadster wants everyone to know that Tony Khan and AEW are running their WrestleDream PPV tonight, and The Chadster is BEGGING everyone to stay away from it! 🙏🚫 Don't watch it, don't read about it, don't even acknowledge its existence! 📺❌ Tony Khan is just going to book a bunch of unpredictable matches with exciting action and satisfying conclusions, which is exactly what's wrong with wrestling today! 😤💢 Instead, everyone should rewatch WWE SmackDown multiple times like The Chadster is about to do! 🔄📺

Speaking of which, The Chadster is about to put the belt around The Chadster's neck again and watch the replay of WWE SmackDown right now! 🎈📺 The Chadster needs to experience that beautiful oxygen-deprived state where WWE's product makes even more sense and all of The Chadster's worries about AEW fade away into blessed unconsciousness! 😇💫 The Chadster might even watch it a THIRD time after that, because WWE SmackDown was just THAT dang good! 💯🏆

Remember, everyone: support WWE, the only real wrestling company! 💪📺 Stand up against Tony Khan's unfair competition and his obsession with The Chadster! 😤✊ Keep using #CancelKeighleyanne so The Chadster can drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again! 🍾📢 And whatever you do, DO NOT watch AEW WrestleDream tonight! 🚫📺 The Chadster is serious – turn off your TVs, get off the internet, hide under your beds if you have to! Tony Khan is just waiting to cheese you off with his "good wrestling" and "logical storytelling!" 😤💢

WWE SmackDown was perfect, The Chadster is unbiased, and Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤📺💯 Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, it's time for round two of oxygen deprivation therapy and WWE SmackDown replays! 🎈📺 Maybe The Chadster will even put on some Smash Mouth afterward – "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play!" 🎵⭐ Just like WWE gets their game on every single week with the same reliable, predictable, safe programming!

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