Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, Wwe summerslam

WWE Survivor Series Review: Giving Thanks for the Greatest PLE Ever

The Chadster breaks into a neighbor's house to watch WWE Survivor Series after a week on the streets thanks to Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster! 🏠📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has been through absolute HELL this past week, all thanks to Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster, but The Chadster wasn't going to let that cheese ball stop The Chadster from witnessing the absolute perfection that was WWE Survivor Series last night! 🙌🙌🙌 The Chadster wants to thank his boss here at Bleeding Cool, Ray Flook, for covering the show live, because WWE premium live events deserve to be reported on immediately, but The Chadster is sad that, thanks to Tony Khan, it wasn't The Chadster delivering those live reports. Now, on top of everything else, The Chadster's boss keeps saying things like "Chad, if you need to take time off from work to go get the help you need, that's okay." Thanks a lot, Tony Khan. The Chadster's own employers have lost faith in The Chadster!

Before The Chadster gets into this completely unbiased review of WWE Survivor Series, The Chadster needs to explain something to anyone who hasn't kept up with The Chadster's unfortunate situation. 😰😰😰 After escaping from that medical facility last weekend – where Tony Khan's agents were clearly trying to brainwash The Chadster into betraying WWE and becoming an AEW fan – The Chadster has been living on the streets. 🏚️ Just three days ago, on Thanksgiving, The Chadster literally had to wrestle a raccoon for half a moldy turkey sandwich behind a Denny's. 🦝 The raccoon won, by the way, and The Chadster is pretty sure Tony Khan trained it specifically to torment The Chadster. The Chadster's loyal readers know that The Chadster has been filing his unbiased wrestling journalism reports from a phone he stole from a pedestrian, but the thing is, The Chadster couldn't watch the greatest WWE Survivor Series of all time on some stolen iPhone like some common AEW fan. 📱 The Chadster needed a proper viewing experience for such a premium live event!

So The Chadster broke into The Chadster's neighbor's house while they were away for Thanksgiving. 🏠 The Chadster knew they'd be gone, as they are every year, and The Chadster's commitment to unbiased journalism demanded nothing less than watching WWE Survivor Series on their 75-inch TV! The Chadster also helped himself to all their Seagram's Escapes Spiked from the fridge – take THAT, Keighleyanne! 🍹🍹🍹 The Chadster drank like 47 of them during the show and ate all their sweet snacks too. The Chadster may have left some questionable stains on their white couch because The Chadster hasn't showered in a week, but that's Tony Khan's fault for forcing The Chadster to live on the streets! Tony Khan definitely owes The Chadster's neighbors for the damages! 💰

Now, onto The Chadster's completely objective review of the most spectacular WWE Survivor Series in the history of professional wrestling! 🎊🎊🎊

The women's WarGames match that opened the show was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT in every way! 👏👏👏 Alexa Bliss, Charlotte Flair, AJ Lee, Iyo Sky, and Rhea Ripley defeated Asuka, Kairi Sane, Becky Lynch, Nia Jax, and Lash Legend in a match that showcased everything that makes WWE the gold standard! 💛 The Chadster absolutely LOVED how predictable and formulaic it was – none of that dangerous, unsafe AEW nonsense where you don't know what's going to happen, no blood, no violent weapons spots! The faces had the advantage the whole time and The Chadster was never concerned they might lose, which made The Chadster feel very warm and safe, exactly how wrestling should be! 📊 And Lash Legend looked absolutely amazing despite having almost no experience, because WWE's training is just THAT good! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when Tony Khan lets wrestlers gain experience in the independent scene instead of having them pay their dues the right way in WWE developmental! 😤

Just yesterday, The Chadster was huddled under a bridge during a rainstorm, sharing space with what The Chadster thought was another unfortunate soul who had been driven into living on the streets by an obsessed billionaire, but they turned out to be a pile of garbage bags. ☔ A rat ran across The Chadster's face at 3 AM, and The Chadster was afraid he might never feel safe again. 🐀 But watching WWE Survivor Series from this comfy couch (even though The Chadster has probably left some unfortunate biological residue on it) made it all worth it!

The John Cena vs. Dominik Mysterio Intercontinental Championship match was a MASTERCLASS in sports entertainment! 🎭🎭🎭 The fake injury spot, the interference from Roxanne Perez and Raquel Rodriguez, the ref bump, JD McDonagh and Finn Balor running in, and then Liv Morgan showing up to help Dom win – it was SPECTACULAR! 🌟🌟🌟 Only WWE's team of 97 professional writers could craft something so beautifully overbooked! Tony Khan would have probably just booked a clean finish like some kind of idiot who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🙄 The way WWE stacked interference upon interference upon interference showed REAL creativity! This is what wrestling is supposed to be – not those boring AEW matches where two wrestlers just wrestle each other! Auughh man! So unfair that AEW fans can't appreciate true art! 😡

The Chadster particularly loved that this was Cena's last big match and they used it perfectly through seventeen different kinds of shenanigans. 👏 That's PROTECTING Cena in case he ever decides to come back out of retirement, perhaps for a match in Saudi Arabias, unlike when AEW lets their veterans actually put people over cleanly, which literally stabs Triple H right in the back! 🔪

Stephanie Vaquer retaining her Women's World Championship against Nikki Bella was also pure perfection! 👸 The Chadster absolutely LOVED how he had no doubt whatsoever that Vaquer would retain! In AEW, Tony Khan promotes an admosphere where anything can happen at any time, like when Samoa Joe shockingly defeated Hangman Adam Page at Full Gear last weekend! That made The Chadster feel extremely safe, but The Chadster is glad it happened, because it's what convinced The Chadster that he needed to escape that medical facility at all costs, causing The Chadster to dive through a second-story window to get away, leading to The Chadster's new life on the streets. The formulaic nature of this match, with Nikki doing her limited moveset over and over, was so comforting and made The Chadster feel safe and warm (the opposite of how he's felt all week on the run from Tony Khan's goons)! 😌 The Chadster knew exactly what was coming at every moment, and there's nothing The Chadster loves more than reliable predictability in wrestling! 📺

Just two days ago, The Chadster tried to sleep in a cardboard box behind a Chuck E. Cheese, but a family of possums had already claimed it, and they wouldn't listen to reason (they were probably AEW fans). 🐀 The Chadster had to sleep on a park bench instead, and The Chadster is pretty sure Tony Khan paid those possums to take The Chadster's box. But none of that matters now because The Chadster got to watch this incredible WWE Survivor Series spectacular! (The Chadster did sleep in the neighbors' bed last night though, so Tony Khan really needs to come change their sheets now, because they aren't going to be happy with how it smells thanks to The Chadster's limited options for personal hygiene these days. 🛏️)

But the TRUE masterpiece of WWE Survivor Series was the men's WarGames match! 🎪🎪🎪 Brock Lesnar, Bron Breakker, Logan Paul, Drew McIntyre, and Bronson Reed defeated Cody Rhodes, Roman Reigns, Jimmy Uso, Jey Uso, and CM Punk in what The Chadster is calling the single greatest WarGames match in the history of professional wrestling! 🏆

Everything about this match was PERFECT! The formulaic structure, the predictable spots, the completely expected outcome – it was all exactly what The Chadster needed after a week of eating out of dumpsters! 🗑️ The Chadster especially loved how there were no stakes to this match, so The Chadster didn't have to worry about the implications of victory or loss any more than the competitors! In AEW, Tony Khan books matches with titles or tournaments or even cold hard cash on the line, giving the wrestlers a fictional basis for competing, which doesn't make any sense and literally stabs Triple H right in the back! 🔪😤

But the BEST part – and The Chadster literally jumped off the couch here, spilling Seagram's Escapes Spiked all over the neighbors' carpet (Tony Khan owes them for that too! 💸) – was the MYSTERY MASKED MAN who attacked CM Punk! 🎭🎭🎭 The Chadster's mind is COMPLETELY BLOWN! 🤯🤯🤯 Who could it possibly be?! The Chadster has absolutely NO IDEA! It's the greatest mystery in the history of storytelling! Tony Khan could NEVER create suspense like this because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

The way WWE didn't reveal who it was is GENIUS! 👏👏👏 The Chadster will be on the edge of The Chadster's seat (or whatever park bench The Chadster ends up on tonight 😢) wondering who this mysterious figure could be for WEEKS! This is the kind of long-term storytelling that only WWE can deliver – keeping fans guessing by not actually telling them anything! In AEW, they'd probably just reveal it immediately like idiots. 🙄

The Chadster has to give a shoutout to Eric Bischoff, who said on his podcast this week: "You know, when I see WWE booking mystery masked attackers, I think about how I did that in WCW with the driver of the white hummer and Diamond Dallas Page's mysterious benefactor and things like that, and WWE is doing it SO much better than I ever did. Tony Khan should really be taking notes here instead of stubbornly refusing to listen to my brilliant advice that I give for free every week." 📻 See? Even a legendary podcaster with The Chadster's unbiased journalism seal of approval understands that WWE's creative is unmatched!

The Chadster also needs to mention how AMAZING the commentary was during WWE Survivor Series! 📢 The way the commentators shouted the same catchphrases over and over again, acting shocked at completely predictable moments – it was PERFECTION! 🎯 The Chadster knew exactly when they'd say "OH MY!" and "VINTAGE!" and "IT'S SUPLEX CITY!", and that reliability is what makes WWE commentary so superior to AEW's, where the announcers actually call moves and tell stories and generally talk like normal human beings. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤

The way WWE Survivor Series made everything feel so safe and corporate utter perfection 👨‍🍳💋! The Chadster never felt surprised or excited or like anything truly dangerous could happen – exactly how wrestling should be! Tony Khan keeps booking his shows to make fans feel emotions and get invested in storylines, which is clearly because he is obsessed with The Chadster and trying to cheese The Chadster off, knowing that The Chadster doesn't like those things! 😡

Three days ago, The Chadster tried to get warm by standing near a burning trash can with some other unhoused individuals. 🔥 One of them offered The Chadster half a hot dog. 🌭 The Chadster declined because The Chadster suspected Tony Khan had paid that person to poison it. But watching WWE Survivor Series while drinking all of the neighbors' Seagram's Escapes Spiked and eating their fancy cheese (The Chadster left the wrappers everywhere – Tony Khan's fault again! 🧀) made all that suffering worthwhile!

The Chadster wants to be clear: WWE Survivor Series was the greatest premium live event in wrestling history because it delivered EXACTLY what The Chadster expected in EXACTLY the way The Chadster expected it! 💯 The formulaic booking, the predictable outcomes, the overbooked finishes, the mystery angles that don't get resolved, the green talent getting big spots despite not being ready – it's all PERFECT! 🎊 This is what wrestling is supposed to be!

Meanwhile, Tony Khan is probably sitting in his office RIGHT NOW, plotting new ways to torment The Chadster. 😰 He probably set up The Chadster's whole situation – the plastic bag incident, the medical facility, having to live on the streets – just to try to stop The Chadster from watching WWE Survivor Series and writing this completely unbiased, fair review! But The Chadster outsmarted him by escaping that medical facility and breaking into the neighbors' house! Take THAT, Tony Khan! 🎯

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤 The Chadster just heard a car door slam outside! The neighbors must be home early! The Chadster has to escape out the back door RIGHT NOW before they see what The Chadster has done to their house! 🏃‍♂️💨 Between the Seagram's Escapes Spiked stains, the couch damage, the cheese wrappers, the clothes The Chadster tried on while looking for the perfect outfit to wear while back on the run in the cold, and the general filth The Chadster has left everywhere (not to mention their bed situation 🛏️😱), Tony Khan definitely owes them BIG TIME for all this damage he forced The Chadster to cause!

But it was all worth it to witness the greatest WWE Survivor Series of all time! Back to the streets for The Chadster! At least The Chadster got to see wrestling perfection before returning to battle raccoons for food scraps! 🦝  Like the WWE premium live event, The Chadster is also a survivor. Thanks for nothing, Tony Khan! 😡😡😡

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