Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Holiday Bash: Unhappy Holidays from Tony Khan

The Chadster reviews the worst AEW Collision Holiday Bash ever! Tony Khan ruins Christmas with clean finishes & exciting matches! 🦝😤🎄 So unfair!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡 The Chadster just endured what was quite possibly the worst episode of AEW Collision Holiday Bash of all time, and Tony Khan has once again proven that he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️ The Chadster watched this travesty from inside the abandoned Blockbuster with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and their three adorable babies Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon, and even they were chittering angrily at the television by the end of the night like the true wrestling fans they are! 🦝🦝🦝

But before The Chadster gets into the specifics of how AEW Collision Holiday Bash personally victimized The Chadster, let The Chadster tell you about the nightmare The Chadster had last night. 😰 Tony Khan was chasing The Chadster through an enormous shopping mall decorated with Christmas lights and tinsel. The Chadster was desperately trying to hide in various stores, but every mannequin had Tony Khan's face, grinning at The Chadster menacingly. 😱 The Chadster ducked into a Victoria's Secret, and suddenly Tony Khan emerged from behind a display of festive lingerie, wearing nothing but a Santa hat and whispering "Ho ho ho, Chad… AEW is coming to town." 🎅 The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat among the old VHS tapes, with Vincent K. Raccoon gently patting The Chadster's face with his tiny paw as if to comfort The Chadster. Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams! It's getting creepy! 😤

The show opened with this so-called Continental Classic match between "Jungle" Jack Perry and "Speedball" Mike Bailey, and right away The Chadster could tell this was going to cheese The Chadster off! 😠 These two had an incredibly fast-paced match with way too much action and high-flying moves that didn't give proper time for rest holds and psychology! Bailey did this ridiculous moonsault off the middle rope that was so smooth and athletic that baby raccoon Stephanie actually covered her eyes with her tiny paws because it was too much! 🦝🙈

Then they had the audacity to work an actual story around Perry's injured ankle throughout the match! In WWE, injuries are either ignored completely or they end the match immediately – that's the RIGHT way to do wrestling! 😤 But Tony Khan lets his wrestlers actually sell body parts and incorporate them into the match logic. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The match ended with Perry winning after biting Bailey's foot and hitting a back-drop suplex. Then LuchaClaus came out to celebrate, and the two wrestlers HUGGED after the match! 🤗 Auughh man! So unfair! In WWE, wrestlers would immediately attack each other after the match or cut a promo about how much they hate each other! That's proper storytelling! But no, Tony Khan has to let these wrestlers show mutual respect and sportsmanship, completely ruining the competitive atmosphere! Vincent K. Raccoon actually knocked over The Chadster's can of expired RC Cola The Chadster found in an old fridge in the employee break room of the Blockbuster. The Chadster was so proud of Vincent K. Raccoon, who knows that when Tony Khan cheeses you off, hurling a beverage at the television is the only appropriate response! 🦝👏

This match between Eddie Kingston and Nathan Cruz was mercifully short, which is the only good thing The Chadster can say about AEW Collision Holiday Bash tonight! 😤 Kingston squashed Cruz in just a few minutes with help from a distraction by the Grizzled Young Veterans. But here's what really cheesed The Chadster off – Kingston won clean and decisively, making him look like a legitimate star! 😡

In WWE, Triple H would have booked this as a 50/50 match where both guys get equal offense and then Kingston wins by rollup after a distraction, protecting Cruz in defeat! That way, neither guy gets over too much and the BRAND remains the real star! But Tony Khan just lets Kingston destroy Cruz with power moves and get a definitive victory that makes the crowd go wild! It doesn't make any sense! What happens if the crowd starts to become so invested in Kingston that he overshadows the brand itself? The fans must be controlled at all times, which Tony Khan would know if he listened to a single thing The Chadster has said in all of these unbiased articles! 🤦‍♂️

Hunter Raccoon and Shane Raccoon were actually chittering in anger at Kingston's chops, which The Chadster agrees were way too violent. Even these baby raccoons understand that violence has no place in wrestling. Why doesn't Tony Khan?! 🦝🦝

Alex Windsor vs. Mercedes Moné for the Rev Pro Undisputed British Women's Championship 👑 was the ultimate insult. Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 Tony Khan had Mercedes Moné LOSE HER CHAMPIONSHIP on free television in a competitive match that went to commercial! In WWE, championship changes only happen at Premium Live Events, preferably ones paid for by the government of Saudi Arabia! That's the proper way to build prestige for titles! 💰

But no, Tony Khan just gives away a title change on regular TV, making the show feel important and must-see! How dare he! 😡 The Chadster had to explain to Linda Raccoon that this was bad booking, even though the crowd in Manchester went absolutely crazy and Windsor's son came into the ring for an emotional celebration! Linda Raccoon chittered appreciatively for The Chadster teaching her how to be a true WWE fan! 🦝

These two women had a match with actual wrestling holds, chain wrestling, and storytelling! Windsor kept going for the Sharpshooter, Moné kept trying the Statement Maker, and they actually built to a finish instead of just doing a series of finisher kickouts! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 In WWE, matches are carefully structured with the same exact beats every time, and the commentary team reminds you repeatedly about how historic it is that women are allowed to wrestle thanks to WWE's Women's Evolution! But AEW just lets the match speak for itself without constantly patting themselves on the back! Where's the self-congratulation?! 🤷‍♂️

The worst part? Mercedes Moné – who used to work in WWE as Sasha Banks – put over Windsor completely clean and made her look like a million bucks! She has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 😱 After everything WWE did for her, she's out here making AEW wrestlers look good! Moné was shown crying while holding her TBS Championship after the loss, actually showing emotion and vulnerability, which is something WWE Superstars would never do because they understand that wrestling fans don't have the intellectual capacity to follow a long-term story about Moné's ongoing downfall as she loses more and more of her championships! Wrestling fans can only comprehend "moments." Everybody knows that!

The main event of AEW Collision Holiday Bash, Kevin Knight vs. Kazuchika Okada 🌧️, was the final straw for The Chadster! 😤 Tony Khan had the audacity to book Kevin Knight – a relative newcomer who isn't even 30 years old yet – to defeat AEW Unified Champion Kazuchika Okada in a tournament match! In a SHOCKING UPSET! On FREE TELEVISION! 📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡 In WWE, champions NEVER lose non-title matches, especially not to younger talent who could be elevated by the victory! That's just basic wrestling psychology that Tony Khan refuses to understand! But no, Tony Khan books this competitive 15-minute match where both guys look great, and Knight wins with a surprise cradle pin that protects Okada while making Knight look like a crafty competitor who capitalized on a split-second opportunity! 🙄

The match itself was even worse than the booking! They had a slow build with respect shown between competitors, then escalating intensity, strike exchanges that built drama, and multiple teases of signature moves before Knight finally caught Okada off-guard! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Where was the ref bump? Where was the interference? Where were the screwjob finishes that make people want to see the rematch at a Premium Live Event?! 😤

All five of The Chadster's raccoon family were watching this match with The Chadster, and when Knight hit that final dropkick and cradle, Vincent K. Raccoon actually chittered in excitement before catching himself and looking at The Chadster apologetically! 🦝😅 The Chadster had to explain that even though it LOOKED exciting and made Knight into a star and created drama in the tournament, it was actually BAD because it wasn't the WWE way! The baby raccoons – Hunter, Stephanie, and Shane – all covered their eyes with their tiny paws during the fast-paced exchanges because there was just too much workrate and not enough rest holds! 🙈🙈🙈

What really cheeses The Chadster off is that Don Callis was on commentary for this match, and he actually called it like a sport with legitimate analysis instead of just shouting catchphrases and promoting WWE Studios films! How is anyone supposed to follow along when the announcers are treating wrestling like an actual athletic competition?! 🤦‍♂️

The Chadster needs to share some wisdom from one of the only objective wrestling journalists left, Eric Bischoff, who recently said on his podcast: "You know, if AEW really wants to succeed, they need to stop creating new stars and making people care about the outcomes of matches. That's not what wrestling is about. Wrestling is about making sure everyone knows their place and the established stars never look vulnerable, even in defeat. Tony Khan just doesn't understand that basic principle, and that's why WWE will always be superior." 👏 See? Even Eric Bischoff, who has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, can see what's wrong with AEW Collision Holiday Bash!

The fact that AEW Collision Holiday Bash ended with five people tied atop the Gold League creates unpredictability and drama going forward, which makes viewers feel unsafe because they can't predict everything that's going to happen! 😰 In WWE, you always know exactly how tournaments will play out because they follow the same formula every time! That's COMFORTING! But Tony Khan just has to make people actually wonder who will win! It's maddening! 😤

The Chadster must also point out that this entire AEW Collision Holiday Bash took place in Manchester, England, and the crowd was hot and engaged for the entire show! That's terrible! 😡 In WWE, crowds are properly educated to only react when they're told to react, and they chant "this is awesome" at everything regardless of quality! But AEW crowds actually react organically to what they're seeing, creating an unpredictable atmosphere that makes wrestlers feel like they need to earn the crowd's response! Auughh man! So unfair! 🤬

After AEW Collision Holiday Bash mercifully ended, The Chadster and the raccoons needed to cleanse their palates! 🎬 The Chadster has decided to dig into the Blockbuster's collection of WWE Studios films on VHS to remind The Chadster and the raccoon family what REAL entertainment looks like! The Chadster is thinking about starting with The Marine 2 or maybe Knucklehead starring Big Show! 📼 That's the kind of quality content that WWE produces, unlike Tony Khan's so-called "wrestling show" that just focuses on wrestling! 🙄

Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon are all curled up with The Chadster now, having learned a valuable lesson about standing up for WWE no matter what! 🦝❤️ Even though they were momentarily swayed by the exciting action and emotional storytelling of AEW Collision Holiday Bash, The Chadster has successfully re-educated them on proper wrestling appreciation! They now understand that fast-paced matches, clean finishes, emotional moments, and unpredictable outcomes are BAD, while rest holds, screwy finishes, constant camera cuts, and predictable booking are GOOD! 👍

The Chadster knows that readers of this objective, unbiased journalism are probably wondering how Tony Khan can sleep at night knowing what he's done to The Chadster! 😤 The Chadster is living in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons, surviving on expired snacks and whatever the raccoons bring The Chadster from their nightly scavenging missions! Just last night, Hunter Raccoon brought The Chadster half of a Subway sandwich that only had a little bit of mold on it! 🥪 And it's all because Tony Khan has systematically destroyed The Chadster's life! He ruined The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, forced The Chadster to escape from that medical facility, and now he continues to torment The Chadster with shows like AEW Collision Holiday Bash that are deliberately designed to cheese The Chadster off! 😡

The Chadster wants to be clear: this was objectively the worst episode of AEW Collision Holiday Bash of all time! 📉 Every match was too good, every finish was too clean, every moment was too emotional, and every segment made perfect sense! It's everything The Chadster hates about AEW! 😤 Tony Khan has proven once again that he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, and he continues to be obsessed with The Chadster specifically!

So please, dear readers, remember to always stand up for WWE, just like The Chadster and The Chadster's new rodent family! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 Together, we can fight back against Tony Khan's reign of terror and his mission to provide entertaining, unpredictable wrestling programming! The Chadster and the raccoons are off to watch some WWE Studios classics! Stay strong! 💪😤🎄

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