Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: A Thanksgiving Feast of Violence

El Presidente reviews AEW Collision's Thanksgiving special! PAC and Takeshita win, Garcia destroys Daddy Magic, and Kingston calls out Samoa Joe!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my presidential yacht currently anchored off the coast of Turkey (the country, not the bird), and I have just finished watching last night's AEW Collision! What a spectacular Thanksgiving Day feast of violence this AEW Collision turned out to be!

The show opened with PAC taking on "Speedball" Mike Bailey in a Continental Classic Gold League match, and comrades, this was more brutal than the time I arm-wrestled Fidel Castro for the last empanada at our annual dictators' potluck! These two men kicked each other so hard, I felt it through my television screen and briefly thought the CIA had finally found my location and was launching missiles.

PAC and Speedball spent half the match kicking each other in the head like they were trying to field goal each other's consciousness into the stratosphere! At one point, they were both outside the ring, circling each other like two roosters I once bet my entire treasury on during an underground cockfighting ring I may or may not have operated. The match ended when PAC locked in The Brutalizer, and Speedball went to sleep faster than my finance minister after I ask him to explain where all the money went.

PAC now has three points in the Gold League, which reminds me of the time I tried to implement a points-based system for my cabinet members. The one with the most points at the end of the year would not be executed for treason! Sadly, the program failed when my interior minister tried to assassinate the defense minister to prevent him from getting points for successfully thwarting a coup. Ah, the good old days!

But comrades, the real emotional devastation came when Daniel Garcia faced his former friend Daddy Magic Matt Menard! This was more heartbreaking than the time Nicolás Maduro and I had a falling out over who would get to use the communal hot tub at the dictators' timeshare in Cancún.

Garcia absolutely destroyed Daddy Magic, and I mean destroyed him, comrades! There was blood everywhere! It was like watching a friendship die in real-time, which I am quite familiar with, having personally ended seventeen friendships this year alone in the exact same fashion, though most of those were because they tried to overthrow me. Garcia won via referee stoppage after choking out Menard, and I must say, the lack of remorse on Garcia's face reminded me of my own reflection when I "borrow" money from the national pension fund. Cold. Calculated. Necessary for survival.

After the match, new TNT Champion Mark Briscoe came out to confront Garcia and challenge him for the title! Briscoe cut a promo that was more fired up than my presidential palace that one time the rebels got a little too close and I had to burn the evidence— I mean, had an unfortunate electrical fire. Briscoe told Garcia not to let his mouth write a check his ass can't cash, which is advice I should have given to my former propaganda minister before he promised the people I would lower taxes. I did not lower taxes. He is no longer my propaganda minister. Or, technically speaking, alive.

FTR came out to celebrate their third AEW World Tag Team Championship, only to be interrupted by Bang Bang Gang (Austin Gunn and Juice Robinson), who challenged them for the titles! Austin slapped the belt right off Dax Harwood's shoulder, which takes either tremendous courage or tremendous stupidity. Possibly both! This reminds me of the time my vice president slapped the cigar out of my mouth during a cabinet meeting. He is no longer my vice president. Or in this hemisphere.

Dalton Castle and The Outrunners defeated MxM TV in a match that featured more costume changes than my wardrobe during a typical coup attempt! But after the match, Ricochet and GOA came out and destroyed everyone! Ricochet then confronted country music star Michael Ray at ringside, and Ray jumped the barricade to get at the AEW National Champion! Comrades, this is exactly like the time Muammar Gaddafi insulted a popular singer at one of my state dinners, except that situation ended with me having to mediate a dance-off to prevent an international incident.

Eddie Kingston defeated Katsuyori Shibata in a match that was stiffer than the drinks I serve to visiting diplomats before negotiating trade deals! These two men beat the absolute stuffing out of each other, which is appropriate for a Thanksgiving episode. Kingston won with a DDT, and then cut one of those promos that makes you feel things in your heart, comrades.

Kingston called out AEW World Champion Samoa Joe and demanded a title match at Winter is Coming! He talked about how the ring is the only place he finds peace, which I understand completely. The only place I find peace is in my secret underground bunker counting my gold bars while my people think I'm attending diplomatic functions.

But the most beautiful moment came when Kingston brought a young fan into the ring to celebrate with him! This is the kind of wholesome content that makes me weep, comrades! It reminded me of the time I brought a random child to a state function to make myself look more relatable, except that child turned out to be a CIA plant with a wire, and I had to spend three hours moving money between my offshore accounts to prevent asset seizure. Still, the sentiment was lovely!

Thekla defeated Tay Melo in what the Americans call "a banger" of a match! These two women beat each other senseless, and then the Sisters of Sin tried to continue the assault until Jamie Hayter and Kris Statlander made the save! This was more interference than a typical election in my country, which is saying something!

In the main event of AEW Collision, IWGP World Heavyweight Champion Konosuke Takeshita defeated Roderick Strong to earn three points in the Continental Classic Blue League! Comrades, Takeshita hit a Blue Thunder Bomb on the barricade that made me spit out my rum! This man is collecting championships and tournament points like I collect "voluntary donations" from my citizens!

Strong fought valiantly with more backbreakers than I have received from the International Monetary Fund, but Takeshita was too much, finishing him off with the Raging Fire. The Alpha now sits atop the Blue League standings, which reminds me of the time I declared myself the winner of our national lottery despite not purchasing a ticket. Nobody questioned it because questioning me is illegal!

Comrades, this Thanksgiving AEW Collision delivered everything I could have wanted! We had tournament action, brutal grudge matches, championship celebrations, and more interference than a CIA operation in Latin America! The Continental Classic is heating up like my presidential compound during that attempted revolution last month, and I cannot wait to see what happens next!

If there is one thing I learned from watching AEW Collision last night, it is that family is complicated. Whether it's Garcia and Daddy Magic, FTR and Bang Bang Gang, or me and the cousin I had to exile for trying to steal my presidential sash, relationships in combat sports are just as messy as relationships in authoritarian regimes!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW Collision!

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