Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: The Royal What Now? Triple Who?

El Presidente reviews AEW Collision's three title matches and compares it to WWE's Royal Rumble disaster. Spoiler: One was actually good, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker where I am celebrating the glorious revolution of professional wrestling that occurred last night on AEW Collision! While the capitalist propaganda machine known as WWE was still recovering from their disastrous Royal Rumble event in Saudi Arabia—where the crowd had all the enthusiasm of hostages at a mandatory re-education seminar—AEW Collision delivered exactly what the people demanded: quality wrestling!

And speaking of that Royal Rumble, comrades, let me tell you—I have attended livelier government functions where attendance was mandatory under threat of imprisonment! The fans were so bored they actually chanted for the disgraced Vince McMahon's return during Triple H's press conference. As someone who has personally staged many press conferences where the questions were pre-approved and the journalists were my cousins, even I found that embarrassing! But enough about WWE's problems. Let us talk about AEW Collision and its celebration of wrestling as an art form rather than a capitalist wealth extraction scheme!

The night opened with Darby Allin taking on Clark Connors, and comrades, this reminded me of the time I went three rounds with Fidel Castro in a boxing match behind the palace. Fidel kept hitting me when I wasn't looking, much like Connors ambushed Allin before the bell! The match was brutal—Connors was relentless, innovative with his attacks, using the guardrail and ring apron like I use the state-controlled media: as weapons!

Somehow, Allin persevered and won with a Scorpion Death Lock, proving once again that the small but determined can overcome the larger oppressor. This is a lesson I learned when fighting off that CIA-backed coup in 1987, though I had the advantage of tank support, which Allin did not.

But then, comrades, Gabe Kidd attacked Allin after the match! Kidd and Connors trapped Allin under the steel steps—a move I once used on a particularly annoying finance minister—and Kidd declared he would follow Allin around the world until he ends him. This is the kind of dedication I appreciate! Though I must say, when I follow people around the world, I usually send my secret police. Much more efficient.

The Rascalz—Dezmond Xavier and Zachary Wentz—made their in-ring debut on Collision against Action Andretti and Lio Rush of CRU, and what a debut it was! The high-flying action reminded me of my escape from that American embassy in 1992, though I did not have the benefit of a springboard. The Rascalz won with their "Hot Fire Flame" maneuver, which sounds like something I once ordered my generals to deploy against rebel forces, but with significantly more athleticism and less international condemnation.

I must confess, comrades, I have always appreciated tag team wrestling. It teaches the importance of cooperation and trusting your partners—valuable lessons I learned early in my career, before I had all my original partners… reassigned to agricultural positions in the countryside. The Rascalz showed excellent teamwork, and their celebration afterward in the parking lot demonstrated the proper revolutionary spirit!

Orange Cassidy and Toni Storm teamed up to defeat enhancement talent, which led to Wheeler Yuta and Marina Shafir attacking them. Storm grabbed scissors and challenged them to a HAIR MATCH at Grand Slam Australia! As someone who has maintained the same hairstyle for forty years—and executed my barber when he suggested a change—I understand the stakes involved in such a stipulation.

But the match that had El Presidente on the edge of his golden throne was the TNT Championship bout between Mark Briscoe and Tommaso Ciampa! Comrades, this was a war! These two competitors showed each other respect while simultaneously trying to destroy one another—much like my relationship with Muammar Gaddafi, may he rest in peace. We would shake hands at summits and then immediately plot against each other. Good times!

The match went nearly twenty minutes, with both men using tables, trading devastating moves, and showing the kind of resilience I usually only see in my Finance Minister when I ask him where all the money went. Ciampa ultimately won with his exposed knee strike, becoming only the second person to win an AEW championship in their debut match!

This is the kind of booking that respects the intelligence of the audience, comrades! Unlike certain WWE events in authoritarian regimes where the booking seems designed to bore people into submission—a tactic I know something about, but at least my mandatory state television broadcasts feature good wrestling! The storytelling on AEW Collision was coherent, the action was spectacular, and most importantly, it celebrated professional wrestling as an art form.

After the match, Kyle Fletcher appeared on the ramp, applauding Ciampa. As someone who has received many standing ovations—some voluntary!—I recognize when respect is genuine and when it conceals ulterior motives. Fletcher's applause seemed to fall into the latter category, much like when my generals compliment my new uniforms.

Kazuchika Okada successfully defended his AEW International Championship against Adam Priest, though with assistance from Rocky Romero. Comrades, I appreciate a champion who isn't above getting a little help from his friends. How do you think I've stayed in power this long? Certainly not just my charm and good looks!

The main event saw The Babes of Wrath—Harley Cameron and Willow Nightingale—defend their AEW Women's World Tag Team Championships against Sisters of Sin—Skye Blue and Julia Hart. The champions retained, but then Thekla, Penelope Ford, and Megan Bayne attacked, laying out both the tag champions and Kris Statlander!

This chaos reminded me of the time my cabinet meeting devolved into a food fight—except that was actually a CIA assassination attempt disguised as a food fight. The difference is that on Collision, this chaos serves a narrative purpose and builds to future confrontations. It is storytelling, comrades, not just random violence! Though I support both, when used appropriately.

The promo segments on AEW Collision were on par with the wrestling. Jon Moxley cut a promo addressing Konosuke Takeshita, acknowledging their mutual respect while demanding a rematch from the Continental Classic. This is the kind of respectful rivalry that builds compelling television, much like my ongoing feud with the CIA—except they refuse to acknowledge they respect me, even though they clearly do, given how much attention they pay me!

The show also featured Eddie Kingston and Ortiz challenging the Grizzled Young Veterans to an 8-Man Parking Lot Brawl next week, with The Rascalz joining Kingston's side. Parking lot brawls are some of my favorite stipulation matches, comrades—they remind me of the informal negotiations I sometimes conduct in undisclosed locations when diplomatic channels fail!

Comrades, while WWE was presenting their Royal Rumble with all the excitement and literal coercion of a mandatory political rally, AEW Collision reminded us why we love professional wrestling. Three championship matches, all delivering quality action. Coherent storytelling that builds to future events. Respect for the performers and the audience's intelligence. This is the revolution that Tony Khan promised, and unlike most revolutions, this one is actually delivering on its promises!

As I always say—and I say many things, all of them brilliant—professional wrestling is at its best when it celebrates the sport, honors its traditions, and gives the people what they want. AEW Collision did all three last night, making it a glorious victory for the proletariat of wrestling fans everywhere!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my other duties. These CIA agents won't interrogate themselves, and I have a meeting with my Minister of Propaganda to discuss why our state television ratings are down. Perhaps we should show more wrestling?

Until next time, comrades: ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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